Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 21

The Time Mookie Just About Smacked A Guy At The Airport

I'm sorry sir, but it appears you have all of your necessary
paperwork in order.  That means I'm going to have to
pat you down and generally harass you.  It's the law.

I had to travel to Baltimore for work last week, and I was slightly looking forward to getting out of the office for a change of pace.  The obvious downside to this was that I had to go to the airport - and deal with PEOPLE.   I don’t know why, but people in airports can be real a-holes.  I'm not talking about the security/TSA/airline a-holes.  Those people are paid to be a-holes.  I'm talking about regular passenger people a-holes.  Unfortunately this trip to Baltimore further served my belief in my "a-holes in airports - theory."  The really sad part was that I was in the airport itself all of 3 minutes before it happened.

I needed to check my bag, so the very first thing I did when I got inside the airport was to head to the United Airlines counter and got in line for the self-help kiosk.  I was patiently waiting in line behind a group of ladies who were all together and seemingly having fun.  One of the ladies goes: “Oh, we are all together and just finished. You can go ahead.”  I said “thanks,” and reached to get my suitcase.  In the 1.1 seconds it took me to do that, out of NO WHERE blows “Mr. Self-Important” and he totally cuts RIGHT in front of me.  He steps AROUND me (and the others in line behind me) and proceeds to start using the kiosk.  I’m sure the look on my face was priceless.  I went, “Um.  Excuse me.”  I quickly look at the lady who told me she and her friends were done, and she looks at me with the same disgustedly puzzled look.  “Mr. Self-Important” turns around, looks at me with a look that tells me “yeah, I know what I did,” and continues his business.

Out loud, I go “Really?!  You are actually doing this??”

He heard me, but ignored my comment and continued his boarding pass/baggage check activities. The lady standing next to me goes “Wow.”  Man, I SO wanted to grab this preppy-ass dickwad by the collar, and remove him from his unearned place in line.  But to my credit (and sometimes discredit), I am not the guy to make a scene or kick ass.  I'm more of the "George Costanza guy" who thinks of what I SHOULD HAVE done 15-20 minutes afterwards.  "Oh yeah, well the Jerk Store called.  They're running out of you!"

I think I was just more shocked than anything at the sheer level of asshole I was staring at.  While I was still trying to mentally process what had just happened, I noticed I could see the kiosk screen and read what the guy's name is!  What was it?  You are damn right I'm going to tell you...His name was:

 “John Stillwell.” 

I have no idea who "John Stillwell" is, or what he does.  Frankly, I don't care.  I just want you to know that John Stillwell f'd with the wrong guy on a Monday morning, and he was a complete dick.  John.  Stillwell.

Then do you know what happened?  Thirty seconds went by, and Karma decided to step into the situation.  The lady working the United desk goes, “There is an open kiosk over there in the “Premier” area.  You can use that one, there is no one in line there.”  “Thank you” I tell her, and I rolled on over to the Premier kiosk.

I quickly conducted my business, and began to notice that Karma has went the extra mile in this instance too.  How so?  It seems the kiosk that John Stillwell thought he was overly entitled to - is not working correctly.  The printer that is supposed to provide him with his precious boarding pass is not working.  WELL.  John Stillwell of course is irritated by this.  Me?  I smiiiille as I walk by with my boarding pass and tagged bag, and make my way over to security.

As I was waiting in line for security, I began to wonder if I would be lucky enough to be seated next to Mr. Stillwell on the flight.  Thankfully I was spared the experience, and did not have to endure his presence.  As I got on the plane, I did notice that he - of course - was in Row 1 of the plane.  Karma was still going strong though, because he was seated next to a large gentleman that I'm sure probably encroached on his personal space.  I felt bad for the guy.  The big guy...not John Stillwell.

John Stillwell can suck it.