Thursday, July 30, 2015

Top Ten Thursday!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. Pulled Pork Sandwiches

 9 . Double-Hung Windows

 8.  Jamaican Jerk Chicken

 7.  Tongue In Groove Flooring

 6.  Jackstand

 5.  Ballcock

 4.  Head cheese

 3.  Pussy Willows

 2.  Double-Breasted Suit

 1.  Pipe Fitter

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Top Ten Thursday!

It's time to start a new theme on Breathtaking and Inappropriate, and I'm calling it Top Ten Thursday.  It will be similar to what David Letterman used to do, but probably less funny because I'm not as GD funny or clever as Letterman.  Here we go.

I had to travel last week for work so I was inspired to whip up this one:

Top Ten Things I Guarantee You Will See During A Trip To The Airport

10.  Exhausted foreign children being dragged through the terminal and being pestered in their native tongue by their parents.

 9.  One overly-friendly TSA Agent that is quickly followed by one who is a complete jerk-wad.  The rest are expressionless monotone drones who you can tell hate their lives - and you too.

 8.  Some poor guy working at the currency exchange kiosk, but no one ever is seen exchanging currency.  Ever.

 7.  The "duty-free" shop that has tons of booze and one lone Asian person looking around.

 6.  Mr. Super-Important Business-Man walking really fast while pulling his roller suitcase and talking on a cell phone about deadlines.  Odds are high you are sitting next to him on the plane.

 5.  A book and magazine store every 3rd store front just in case you neglected to pick up the current issue of Hustler at the last Newport Newsstand 20 feet back.

 4.  When you want a legit meal near your gate but the only thing near you without a 10 minute walk is a god-damned Auntie Annie's pretzel shop.

 3.  A monitor showing a video of that city's crooked-looking mayor welcoming you to the airport.

 2.  A team of student-athletes playing grab-ass and congesting an entire gate area while waiting for their flight.

 1.  50 people who need to charge their iPhone and two outlets.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

To All Those Religious Phonies Out There

Oscar Doesn't Mess Around

Arthur Ashe Looks Angry

Is it me, or does this statue of tennis legend Arthur Ashe look like he playing "keep away" with these kids' books or possibly ready to give them a beat down?  I thought so.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Malcolm Is Wise Beyond His Years

My Favorite Dinosaurs

Deer Dance Party

How To Live With Getting A Mini Van

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 148

The Time Mookie Asked About A Drug Test

Ladies and Gentlemen,  I am (finally) back with a Monday Morning Story.  Yeah I know it has been awhile since I have done one or even really posted anything to the website, but I've been busy..... so sue me.  Plus I just haven't felt like writing much here lately due to the incessant need of having to write A LOT of stuff at work.  Like a lot of stuff:  letters, complaint responses, and endless emails to your Mom.  So I'm sure you can understand my lack of enthusiasm when the weekend rolls around and I don't feel like sitting in front of a screen and rattling out a story.  Speaking of work, that brings us to today's story.  You might think it's a short one, but it's the best I can do today. Bite me.

Many years ago when I was offered a job at the fine company I work at now, I had spent the prior two-months being unemployed and woefully depressed as I had been laid off by the jerk-wads at the mighty MCI Worldcom. The job offer was huge personal morale booster, and showed me that I could still snow someone into believing I was capable of bigger things (I'm still doing this today - fake it till you make it).

I had two interviews with the hiring manager, and felt that I was a great candidate.  I still remember leaving the first interview and thinking I had nailed it like I never had before.  I had THE right answers to everything and I could tell that the person interviewing me was impressed.  Late one afternoon a few weeks later, I finally got a call from an H.R. rep with the company.  "Hi, this is So-And-So with Blah Blah Blah.  We would like to offer you the position of Blah Blah Blah."  Oh hell yes.  She gave me the pertinent details like how much they were offering to pay me, when it started, and where I would report to.  I didn't want to seem TOO eager about it, but yet inside I was screaming.  I knew I should run it by my wife before I accepted it because there were several things to consider at that point (childcare, transportation, etc).  So I told Ms. H.R. Lady that I needed to talk to my wife, and would get back with her shortly.  I promptly called my wife who gave me a solid "hell yes" to the job offer, so I called the H.R. lady back to accept their offer.  She again gave me a run-down of the time and place I needed to be there, and asked if I had any other questions.  It was then that I asked a few questions to make sure I had everything locked up and didn't have any surprises when I showed up for my first day.  My last question was one that in hindsight could have caused them to rescind the whole thing.  "So, do I have to do a drug test or anything before I start?"

There was a short pause on the call, and finally the H.R. lady cautiously said "Um, no. You don't."  I quickly understood her apprehensive tone and tried to cover my tracks as best I could by saying something like "Oh OK. I know when I have applied at other companies in the past, they have always required something like that.  I was unsure if I'd have to make an appointment for that before I started."  She seemed OK with my response and then said that was not something they required.  When we cordially concluded,  I hung up the phone and instead of being totally thrilled - I felt very nervous at the fact this lady was probably seriously wondering if she had just extended a job offer to druggie.

In the end though it all worked out, and I haven't even been subjected to a random drug test either.  Many years later during a discussion with the manager who hired me, I told her this very story and joked that I'm surprised they didn't rescind their offer.  She laughed and laughed, and told me that when the H.R. lady called to tell her I had accepted the position, she did mention the fact I had asked about a drug test.  Thankfully my manager had the foresight to not be scared off by this, and I have been gainfully employed ever since.

So remember kids:  It's good to ask questions.  Just don't ask ones that make you look like you need a clean urine sample.

Miss a previous episode? Click HERE to check out the library and see what you missed.