It Sounds Like NavyBoy Has Some Issues

Yes NavyBoy - You should definitely ditch them both.  Why? Because they are going to KILL you when they find out what you have done.

A jury of their peers will say it is justified too.  So yes.  You better run.

Times Are Hard

Even Winnie the Pooh is having a rough time these days.  Where's Christopher Robin when you need him?

Proper Lifting Technique

Make sure you always lift with your legs, and not your back.  Oh and make sure you follow this piece of advice..

Best Police Traffic Stop EVER

I'd love to know what they did, and why they are in bikinis after dark.  Then again...who cares.

Ron Is Adamant About Not Liking People

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 57

The Time Mookie Had Uncontrollable Laughter During A Work Seminar

As I just crossed the “10 Year” mark at my current employer yesterday, I thought it was appropriate to share this one. 

Not long after I started at my current company, my supervisor “Donna” (*) thought it would be a good idea for me to attend a particular training seminar.  The seminar’s focus was to provide tips, tricks, and tools on how to better “interview” someone over the telephone.  The boss lady thought this would be good for me because I often had to speak with family members of our policy holders, and try to get clarification on any issues that needed further explanation.  A lot of the policies I administered revolved around accidental coverage, so in order to rule out “exclusions and limitations” contained within the policy I had to investigate the hell out of the incident.  This involved me getting and reviewing the policy holder’s medical records, any applicable police accident reports, and autopsies from medical examiners.  It goes without saying I have seen and read about some pretty funky stuff.

When I think of lectures, this is what I picture.

Thankfully I was not alone on this training excursion.  Donna had also asked 3 other ladies in our department whom she thought might also benefit from the training to join the fun too.  The seminar was one-and-a-half hours away in Des Moines, which was nice because it got us out of the office for the whole day. 

Once we made it safely to Des Moines, we quickly found where our seminar was being held in the downtown area, parked, and walked to the venue.  The seminar was being hosted by another insurance company in the area, so to probably help defer the cost of the speaker (and probably make a few bucks), there were several insurance companies invited. The featured speaker was a noted big-shot with the state Department of Criminal Investigation (I think he’s the head of it now), and had a remarkable likeness to Garth Brooks for some reason.  There were less than 40 people present to see the speaker, and once he got started he seemed to enjoy not having to speak to a huge room full of people.  One thing I know from my Criminology/Law Enforcement college days is that most cops LOVE to tell police stories, and this guy was no different.  

You should have seen the penis on this dead guy!

Much to my amusement, a couple of his stories were ones I would NOT consider telling in such a professional setting.  While I wasn’t offended, I could tell there were a few people who were definitely uncomfortable.  What stories did he tell?  The questionable ones usually involved something of a sexual nature, but he totally took the cake with one that had something to do with some guy who had sex with a farm animal.  Apparently the animal physically kicked or rammed the guy (it wasn’t said if it happened before, during, or after the sex), which in turn the guy fell, hit his head and died.  Then of course the guy was found dead with his pants around his ankles, and the investigators had a field day.  At first they thought it was some sort of perverse homicide, but after they put all the pieces together, did some lab work (on him and the animals), they figured out what happened.  What this had to do with telephone interviewing I didn’t know,  but GD this guy was an awesome story teller.  You can’t beat hearing bestiality stories in a public setting instead of sitting in a cubicle.

Eventually we got down to business and the guy started giving us tips and tricks on how to talk to people.  He made it an interactive experience by bringing audience members up on stage one at a time to help with his demonstrations and methods.  I have to say it kept everyone interested because you had to be on your toes when he called you up.  When it was my turn, I somehow did a super job of asking the right questions, keeping him on subject, and getting the answers I needed (Don’t ask me how I did this because normally I’m horrible at asking the right questions).  I don’t remember why, but the guy had fun with me and everyone got a laugh at my expense (I’m used to this).  When I returned to my seat, I took a bit of ribbing from Donna about my time in front of the crowd as well.

As the seminar moved on and I knew that I wouldn’t have to go up front again, I got a little bored.  I would watch/listen intermittently, and doodle on my notepad while person after person went up front to demonstrate some situation.  Eventually, the subject turned to "getting someone to listen to you when its apparent they don’t want to or they aren’t interested."  Since this is right up my alley, I figured I’d listen.  He basically said that one key in getting someone to listen to you, is to start with something that most people are interested in….themselves.  He brought this girl up on stage to demonstrate the situation, and said that the key is getting that person to believe that you think they are special.

He sits this girl down in a chair, and pulls up a chair himself right in front of her so that their knees are almost touching.  He looks at her with a smile, and says:

“Hey you know what?  You’re a winner.”

I don’t know why, but I LOST it and started laughing hysterically out loud.  It was not apparent to me what angle he was getting at here, especially since he didn’t know her - and this for some reason was WAY funny to me.  Who walks up to someone and calls them a “winner?”  Donna looked at me with this “what the hell are you laughing at” look, which worried me because Donna can be a badass when she wants to be.  I tried to stifle my laughter because it was on the edge of disruptive but I couldn’t help it.  I said through giggles “He called her a winner.  Who does that?”   To her credit, Donna started laughing.  However she was laughing AT ME because it amused her that I thought this comment was funny.  This in turn also got one or two others in our group laughing.  We eventually settled down though and finished out the seminar without disruption.  However the drive home, and the days that followed involved everyone making fun of me for laughing out loud during the seminar.

In the end, the seminar was a bit of a disappointment because none of us really learned anything (except that animals may attack you if you try to have sex with them).  However we will always remember it because of our outbursts of laughter.

To this day, one of us who were at the seminar will intermittently walk up to another’s cube and say “Hey, you’re a winner.”  It gets me every time.

(*) Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Miss a previous episode???  Click HERE to catch up!

ALSO!  March is coming up here shortly, which means that a lot of people will be headed out for a week on SPRING BREAK.  To celebrate, every Monday Morning Story With Mookie  in March will revolve around my favorite Spring Break location:  LAS VEGAS.  Stay tuned!

Third-Shift Laugh

This was a good laugh considering it is 3 AM..

Sage Advice From Father To Son

Sometimes You Have To Pay A Professional

When you want a job done right, don't waste your time.  Hire a professional.  They get shit done.

The Best Line In Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory

Ron Swanson Loves Meat And Does Not Share

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 56

The Time Mookie and Megan Got A Never-Ending

Playboy Subscription For Free

February is a memorable time of year for me.  No it's not because of Valentine's Day, President's Day, or even Black History Month.  February is memorable for the reason that follows in today's story.

When "Megan (*)" and I moved back to Iowa from Colorado Springs, we did the normal things a person does when they move: close accounts with the utilities, and leave a forwarding address with the post office.  As we had gotten married in the previous year, Megan set up forwards for our mail with our "married" names, as well as one for her maiden last name.  Again, standard protocol.

Fast-forward two months.

As Megan and I got home from work one day, we made a routine stop at the mailbox to see what sort of nonsense was waiting for us.  It was the usual random stack of crap, so we took it up to the apartment and figured we'd look at it once we got settled.  When Megan was going through the mail later, she came to a rectangle shaped item that was wrapped in black plastic.  She looked at the addressee's name, and it definitely wasn't one of us.  She said "Can you take this back down to the mailbox so the postman gets it. It isn't ours."

So I picked up the peculiar package and started walking it back downstairs.  As I was going down the stairs, I noticed the plastic that the item was enclosed in was clear at the ends.  From this I could easily tell that the item was a magazine.  Since I am curious by nature, I wanted to see what the magazine was without opening the plastic.  Very carefully I slid the plastic down a bit so that the clear part moved down onto the the cover and hopefully would reveal the title.  I was able to see the top part of the magazine title, but could not entirely make it out.  What I could tell was that it was a seven-lettered title made up of CAPITAL LETTERS.  I thought for a second about where I had seen something like that before.  OHHHHHHHH!!!  I pulled the plastic down again with a bit more force than before, and I was easily able to make out the title.  PLAYBOY. Hell. Yes.

I looked at the addressee again and noticed Megan was correct - it was not addressed to us.  HOWEVER the address it was FORWARDED from was the same as one we had in Colorado - minus the apartment number.  The person it was addressed to was a gentleman named "Kenneth."  We did not share the same last name, but the first four letters of his last name matched that of Megan's maiden name.  So that somewhat explained why we got it.  I told myself that the mailman was NOT getting this item and quickly turned around and headed back up the stairs.

I entered the apartment and exclaimed something to Megan along the lines of "HOLY SHIT.  This is a Playboy.  We are not returning this."  And do you know what?  To Megan's credit, she didn't make me.  All she said was "Hold on.  I get to look at it first."  Seriously...my wife is awesome.

Ahhh Miss Cindy

So when we got settled we sat down and perused the magazine together.  Much like the joke goes, we did enjoy it for "the articles," but we also critiqued the various pictorials and centerfold.  "Those are fake. Fake.  Airbrushed.  Who poses like that?  Ooh she's pretty."  After we finished our review of our free sample, we had a good laugh about it and figured it was a one-time thing.

Fast-forward another month, and you can guess what happened again.  That's right:  Another free Playboy....and it continued coming every month.  We wondered what sort of glitch happened here, and if Kenneth was getting snubbed on his subscription, or if they were simply mailing two.  I didn't care, because you know....free porn.

Then when Megan and I bought a house in a different town, obviously I was curious if our free nudity would follow us to our new address.  Again we set up forwards for our mail with our married names as well as Megan's maiden name, and I hoped this would do the trick.  Sure enough, our gravy train of Playboy followed us to our new home.  It was awesome.

I'm sure you are wondering what we did with all of these magazines.  We usually gave them away to a few people, or they would end up in the recycle bin.  I know...terrible right?

Then...this was horrible...there was a two-month stretch where we didn't get the magazine.  Megan and I were both crushed because it was the end of a very funny situation.  Plus we really did enjoy reading the articles.  Honestly, the Playboy Advisor and the normal celebrity interview were good reads.  In a weird coincidence, the Publishers Clearing House thing was going on around this time and Megan saw that their offer for Playboy was way cheap.  So she signed us up.  A month later, the Playboy returned to the mailbox and all was well with the world.

The "Tiffany" issue was an
anticipated one at our house

Well...except for the fact the addressee was not one of us.  It was for our old friend "Kenneth!"  Ohh noo.  Sure enough, when the Publishers Clearing House subscription kicked in we were receiving TWO of the same black plastic-wrapped magazine every month - one addressed to us, and one to Kenneth.  This continued for a whole year until the subscription in our name ran out.  The only benefit to this was that we had more porn to share with family and friends.

The subscription that continued to come in Kenneth's name always had whatever year was coming up next, and the month of February printed on the address label.  We figured out that this was when the end date of the subscription, and every year when February came around we wondered if that would be the end of our subscription.  For several years I was always overjoyed to see the March issue of Playboy show up, and how the subscription end date on the mailing address moved up another year.

Then finally one March, after approximately 10 to 12 years (that's right 10+ years of free porn), the end of an era finally arrived and the issues stopped coming.  A wise person once said that "all good things must come to an end."  I have to say that our decade of having free boobs delivered monthly to our mailbox was definitely a nice thing while it lasted, but when it ended I have to admit I didn't really care.  The novelty of free porn had certainly worn off, and it was no secret that I had become pretty disappointed in the magazine towards there end.  The interviews were lame, and the girls they showed were nothing spectacular.  Seriously, the idea of seeing Pam Anderson and Jenny McCarthy pose nude lost it's luster after their 2nd or 3rd pictorial.  It was like they did a new photo shoot every time they got a new boob job, which is just sad.


So while I am not missing the free subscription anymore, I do smile when I think back on that period in time, and think about the anticipation of wondering whether the subscription was going to be renewed or not when February came rolling around.

While I have thought about sending Kenneth a "thank you" of some sort over the years, I didn't know how to best go about it.  But since I have this blog, I suppose this will have to do.

Kenneth - Thank you for the endless subscription to Playboy you unknowingly sent to my home for many years.  Please know it was not only enjoyed by those in my household, but was passed on and shared with many others as well.  Having said that, I am also going to say that I hope our paths never cross again, because God knows what other perverse things you are into.  Why do I say this?  Because towards the end of the Playboy subscription I received correspondence addressed to you from the "Adam and Eve" website, and it said the Playboy subscription was a gift from "them to you" for being such a "good customer" of theirs.

Wow.
(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent


Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to get caught up!!!

That Escalated Quickly

Apparently Steve does NOT like to be bothered while he is making copies.

Graffiti Outdone By Graffiti

I just love it when someone take something profound and just makes it perverse.

Good Weekend Advice

Listen to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  They know what they are talking about.

Way To Go Jimmy

Not only are you stupid, you look like a girl.  Go home Jimmy.

Did You Know?

This blew my mind.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This one is for you guys who are running a little late on picking up something for your "special" person  on Valentine's Day.  I suggest this.  It will be a day both of you will never forget.

1.  Put a hole in a box.
2.  Put your junk in the box.
3.  Make her open the box.

And that's the way you do it.

Over My Dead Body

The only reasonable explanation I can think of to explain this picture has to be a conversation like the following before the guy died........

Family:  Dad, we want to take a family picture with you in it.

Old guy:  I'm not getting my picture taken with you!

Family:  Please???

Old guy:  NO!  Over my dead body is the only way you will get me to take a family picture!!

There you go.

Ron Swanson Really Hates Salad

Cleavage

Its no secret that I think Katy Perry has one of the best racks on the planet.  To give evidence to my argument, I would like to submit into evidence a "Exhibit A" - picture of Miss Perry at the 2013 Grammy Awards.

And just so you don't think I'm a total pig, let me include Exhibit B.  A picture of Portia de Rossi, Ellen Degeneres, and Miss Perry at the same Grammy Awards.  If anyone knows a quality rack, you know its gotta be  Ellen.

I rest my case.

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 55

The Time Mookie Worked For A Pepsi Distributor For A Day

As I have mentioned in previous episodes of “Monday Morning Stories With Mookie,” I had a number of different jobs while I lived in Colorado Springs.  I worked for Wal-Mart virtually the entire time I was out there, but I was always trying to find something better and one where I could actually pay the bills with.  One day while perusing the classifieds, I noticed a “Merchandiser” position with the local Pepsi distributor in town.  I had seen these guys in Wal-Mart from time to time, filling up the aisles with their various products and then moving on to a different store.  Well, I definitely like soda, and I figured it had to pay more than Wal-Mart, so I figured I’d apply and see what happened.

A few days later, they called my apartment on a Sunday to see if I could come in that day to interview.  On a Sunday.  As I briefly mentioned in Episode 52 of “Monday Morning Stories With Mookie,” my wife took the call as I was hiking up Pikes Peak at the time.  When I called her on my cell phone to relay my estimated time at the top, she told me about a guy from Pepsi calling and wanting to do an interview that day.  So I had her give me the guy’s contact information, and I called the guy from ¾ of the way up Pikes Peak to set up an interview for the next day.  If anything, it showed I was eager.  I mean I called him back while I was climbing a G.D. mountain for Christ’s sake.

The next day I went to the Pepsi place and met with “Tom,”(*) my alleged supervisor.  Right off the bat I could tell Tom liked me, but there was definitely something about him that had my B.S. Detector going off.  Surprisingly, he offered me the job and said my previous retail experience would serve me well.  He asked me how much my hourly wage was at Wal-Mart, and when I told him what it was he offered me .25 an hour more than what Wal-Mart paid. Woo, a whole quarter.  He asked me to come back in a few days so I could fill out the employment paperwork and all that jazz, and then I would start on the next Monday at 6AM.  While I wasn’t thrilled with the early morning roll-call, I still left there feeling pretty good about picking up a new job.  In the meantime I arranged it so I would still work the evening shift at Wal-Mart, that way I still had that to fall back on if this didn’t work out.

A few days later I went back to Pepsi, met with Tom, and went to HR to fill out the necessary paperwork.  Once that was done, he again told me I would be starting the coming Monday and he’d see me then.  Good enough.

Monday morning I rolled out nice and early and made it to the Pepsi place about ten to six.  I went into the building and quickly found Tom.  He was talking to various people about something, and he was being quite an arrogant dick to them about it.  That’s when I realized THAT was what I was sensing about the guy the day I met him.  “Oh.  He’s an asshole.”

He saw me standing there and asked me to come with him further into the building.  He showed me where to clock in, and gave me a laundry list of things I need to do when I clock in and out.  That’s all well and good, but I had no idea what half the crap he just said meant.  He used 4 or 5 different acronyms and terms I had never heard, and when I asked what they were he looked at me like I was retarded.  Then he thought it was a good idea to show me how to order more soda for the stores while I was out on my route.  He pulled out this electronic keypad with a scanner on it, and proceeded to show me that I would scan the product, and then enter how much the store needed.  It was simple enough, except he neglected to show me how to log into it, or how to change stores.  When I asked, he sighed and said “I’ll show you that later.”  He then showed me “the chart” that showed what routes each merchandiser was scheduled for, and the addresses of the 5 or 6 stores on that route.  My name was next to a particular route, but I noticed the keys for the truck they were going to let me drive were missing.  Tom said “Oh, someone else must have grabbed the wrong set.  You can take the truck that’s left there.”  He said he would go with me to the first few stores and show me what I needed to do,  and that I should follow him in his truck.  This was good because I had no idea where I was going.  The stores on this route were ones I’d never heard of and in parts of town I had never been in.  Tom goes, “I probably should have asked you this the other day, but you can drive a stick can’t you?”  I told him I could, and that my current car was a stick so it shouldn’t be a problem.  I asked him what I would be driving, and he said they were Isuzu Pup pickups.  I figured I could handle it.

We went outside to the lot where the vehicles were, and I saw my little Isuzu Pup pickup with a Pepsi logo on the side, and a number on the tailgate that matched the one on my key chain.  When I got in, I quickly found out why someone else left this truck and took a different one - this one was a piece of SHIT.  I put my foot on the clutch to start it, and I could not press it down.  What the hell?  Finally, I pressed my body against the seat and essentially stood on the pedal to make it go down.  I started the truck and it rumbled to life like only a piece of crap vehicle can.  I put it in 1^st gear and tried to ease out this bear trap of a clutch without stalling it, and failed miserably. CHUG CHUG CHUG STOP.  So I stood on it again, started it back up and give it another try.  CHUG CHUG CHUG.  I got on the gas (squawked the tires) and took off.  Every shift required me to stand on the clutch, thus making me rise out of my seat like I had ants in my pants.  People in traffic were probably like “what is up with this weirdo?”  I caught up to Tom in traffic, and he led me to this lame neighborhood grocery store.  We went inside and headed to the backroom where there was a huge pallet of various Pepsi products waiting to be moved to the floor.  Tom said to take it to the floor and start filling the aisle where it was needed.  I jacked it up and carted it out to the soda aisle, and did as Tom told me.  I moved the load of cases, 12-packs, 6-packs of cans, 6-packs of bottles, and 2-liters from the pallet to the shelves briskly and neatly.  

Make sure that logo is facing forward.

Tom comes walking down the aisle about then and in an annoyed tone starts going “No no no no NO.”  I have no idea what I did wrong, until he tells me that I have to make sure that each and every can/bottle/case has the Pepsi logo facing forward.  Just to be clear, I ask “So if there is a 6 pack of soda on the shelf, all 6 cans/bottles need turned so the logo is facing out?”  He laughs as though I just asked a stupid question, and says “Yes!”  He then proceeded to tell me about the endless research and focus groups about the topic, and how people are more likely to buy a Pepsi product if the logos are neatly facing out.  I understand this to an extent I guess, but most people are usually dedicated to a particular brand anyway (Coke/Pepsi), and if they aren’t they will probably buy whatever is on sale. I decide I’m not going to argue the fact with him, and we continue on.  While I was taking the remainder of the pallet back to the warehouse of the store, Tom apparently did the ordering thing with the scanner/keyboard gizmo.  When I bring it up so he can teach me how it works, he goes “Oh yeah I should have shown you that.  I just did it.  You should have reminded me.”

We headed out of the store and made our way to the next one - which was also in an area I’d never been in.  It was stop-and-go traffic the entire way there of course, so my left leg is starting to feel the strain of standing on the clutch every time I had to shift.  The next store was more of the same – pull out the pallets, make sure everything was stocked and looking pretty.  Just as we are about to finish up, Tom gets a call and says another store is out of a particular product, and they have a huge display sitting empty.  He curses and says he has to go take care of the situation.  He says I need to continue my route, and he will catch up with me later.  After I finished putting everything away, I realized Tom took my scanner/keyboard to order soda when he left.  This really didn’t matter because I still didn’t know how to use it anyway, and I had no way to get a hold of Tom to ask about it.  So I said screw it and head to the next store on the route.

I continued on the rest of my route that day without any word or instruction from Tom, and had no idea if I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing because every store was different.  Finally at the last store, I saw Tom working in front of a big display of Pepsi cases.  Apparently this is the store that had the issue from before, and he has been driving back and forth between the distributor and this store to fill the display with soda.  This has not helped his demeanor any either, and he is now in full "a-hole mode."  When we are finally done, he mentions in passing that he is going to be out on a week’s vacation starting tomorrow.  Oh super.  "Are you going to show me how to use the scanner?  Anything else I should know?”  He says he will show me that when we get back to the distributor.  Awesome.  So we get back in our trucks and head back.

By the time we get back, my leg has had it from standing on that clutch all day.  I gladly get out and hope I don’t have to drive this piece of crap tomorrow.  We go into the office and Tom says he will be back in a minute.  I stand there for probably 10-15 minutes, and Tom never came back.  There was nary a person around of course because it’s like 5:30PM, but I went looking for someone.  Finally I found someone and asked if he’s seen Tom.  “Yeah.  He just left.”  SOB.  Screw this shit.  I decided that this sort of crap wasn’t worth an extra quarter an hour, clocked out and told myself I was NOT coming back.

To add insult to injury, because I had been driving that piece of crap truck all day, it greatly prevented me from driving a regular car with ease.  I got in and immediately put the clutch to the floor.  I could not get my leg to ease into the clutch, thus it was a rough drive home.

The next day I had a voicemail at home from someone at Pepsi.  They called about 5:30PM, asking me to call in because they heard I missed a store on my route that day.   Yeah.  I missed them all pal.  I never called them back, and I didn’t hear from them again.

I know it was a dick move to up and bail on them like that, but you don't treat someone new the way I was treated.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE

This Is How I Feel On Monday Mornings

Community Is Back Tonight!!

Gotta give it up for the return of "Community!"  Easily one of the best shows on TV, and I'm afraid NBC is going to screw it away this year.  Check it out.  Chang is watching you to make sure you watch it!

No Words

I can't even come up with a  joke for this one.  Pretty much just left with a "Whaaat?"

Your Mom's Favorite Arcade Game

Let's see...Angry Bird knock-off....dogs...bears...what's tha....ooohhhhh!! WHERE'S MY PURSE?

A Swarm Of ..WHAT?

I'm pretty sure I need to tape this one.

Ron Swanson Is In Charge of The Picnic

And there will be no vegetables.  Stupid Jerry is being stupid.

WANTED!!

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 54

The Time Mookie Sort Of Caused A Cubicle Fire At Work

This one happened back when I was working at MCI-Worldcom.  One particular day, I was sitting at my desk and doing my best to analyze the business in front of me. Because...you know... that was my job.... as a Business Analyst.  In reality, most days it just amounted to me surfing the web and trading emails with friends.

Feeling bored, I reached over to my radio and turned it on so I could hear some music that might motivate me to do something (Phfffff).  I hit the switch, and nothing happened.  I checked the volume, messed with the station knob, and then checked to make sure it was plugged in.  I still got nothing here.

I checked my little desk fan that I had plugged into the same wall as the radio, and it didn't work.  Well F.  I asked the boss lady what I should do, and she said I could open a ticket with Facilities and they would come and take a look at it.  I went online and opened the ticket.  Since it was not a "priority," it probably wouldn't get looked at until the next day.  Super.  So I spent the rest of the day with no music, which is pure hell when you really want music and can't have it.  The only thing that got me through the rest of my mundane day was the fact I was taking the next day off.  Instead of analyzing business, I would be out on the golf course by myself and generally screwing off.  Finally 4:30 came around and I gladly left the office.

The next day was great because I was not at work. Yay.  But since it was the middle of the week, I had to go back to work the next day after my golf outing.  I only hoped I'd have my radio back.

The next day I rolled into the office, feeling refreshed from my day off and looking forward to seeing what lied ahead in my email.  I rounded the corner of my aisle where my cube was, and quickly stopped when I noticed the cubicle right before mine.  It was a vacant cube normally, but it was quite evident something had happened.  The entire back wall, corner, and wall that butted up to my cube was SCORCHED.  The fabric that normally lined the cube walls was burned/melted, and the desktop was definitely charred. What. The. F?  I looked at the ceiling, and the tiles above the cube were black with soot and smoke damage.  I was almost afraid to proceeded on to my desk (the next cube) because I was not sure what I would find when I got there.  Much to my surprise...I found my desk absolutely empty and void of anything.

My computer was gone.  My desk was cleared.  All of my personal effects were gone.  The only thing left was my name plate, and a pink piece of paper sitting on the desk where my keyboard should have been.  "Where is all my shit?" I said to myself.  I finally walked down to my boss' desk, and I said "Um, what's going on?"  She turned around with a very serious look, and said "Did you see your pink slip?"  But then I noticed she was having a hard time keeping a straight face and then just totally lost it laughing.

She told me there had been an "incident" the previous day when I was gone, and my stuff got moved across the room to a different cube afterward.  When I asked what happened, she said the Facilities guys showed and were tinkering with the cubicle wiring that ran through the row of cubes (per my ticket).  Just when they were about finished up, the wiring that ran through vacant cube to my cubicle caught fire.  Within seconds, there was a full blown fire going and the floor was inundated with smoke.  Thankfully someone grabbed the fire extinguisher and put it out before anyone was hurt.  They did call in the fire department as a precaution to make sure everything was fine, but they didn't have to vacate the building.  Everyone was especially surprised/shocked that the sprinkler system didn't get set off.

I...I. I'll set fire....

So my co-workers quickly started making jokes about how suspicious it looked that I was conveniently gone that day, and how the fire was related to the "problem" in my cube.  Jokes about me being the character "Milton" from the movie "Office Space" quickly surfaced, and everyone had a good laugh at my expense.  I was just pissed that all of this entertainment happened while I was gone the previous day.

In the end, I don't know that it was determined if the Facility guys did something that caused the fire, or if the wiring itself was just junk and that caused it by itself.  Its sort of scary to imagine what might have happened if I hadn't wanted to listen to the radio that day.  That thing might have sparked up on another day without warning and burned the building down.


What I DO KNOW is that I wish I would have been there, because seeing a fire in the desk next to mine would have been TOTALLY awesome.

In case you were wondering, I did not have anything to do with it, and no one seriously accused me of such.  Why is this?  Because everyone knows that if you are going to start a fire, you sure as hell wouldn't do it in vacant cube.  It's too suspicious and makes no sense.  Why would you waste a good fire on a vacant cube when there are always plenty of people who probably deserved to get their cubes burned down?

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