Monday, September 29, 2014

Truth In Graffitti

Oh Look Honey!

Look at the nice officers arresting that man!. Aren't they cute?

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 130

The Time Mookie Had To De-Stink His Chair At Work

My cube at work is right next to one of the network printers that my department uses. I sit along the "edge" of the department, while there is a bigger and faster printer right in the middle of the department. Thankfully most people use the bigger printer, and I am not constantly bothered by people walking past me on the way to the printer.

One day the printer next to me decided to crap out, so they called in the Xerox repair guy to have a look at it. A few days later, this big guy with body odor that would offend a hog farmer showed up to have a look at it. As he milled around trying to decide what he was going to do, I thankfully had to leave for the day to pick up the kids at school. Upon leaving the building I found myself able to breathe through my nose again. Seriously....he smelled THAT bad.

For whatever reason, I worked from home the next day and messaged one of my neighbors at work to see if the smelly guy had fixed the printer. I was told that the guy proceeded to take the whole thing apart and TRIED to do whatever printer repair guys do to make it work again. I say "tried" because this guy effed up the whole thing and admitted himself that he broke it "even more than it was before." Great. To make a long story short here, this meant we could get a new printer but it would take a few weeks. In the meantime, we would have to use the other printer until the broken one by my desk was replaced. No big deal.

When I showed up to work the next day, I proceeded to my desk and noticed that the broken printer was still sitting there - but in an obvious state of disrepair. I sat down at my desk, and was suddenly overcome by a smell I could not ignore. It was the pure and unmistakable smell of body odor to the nth degree. Holy God. The only problem was that I did not know where it was coming from. I did the armpit check to myself, looked in my garbage can, and looked under my desk for the source of this foul odor. It was then that I turned around a put my nose to my chair and smelled it. HOLY SHIT.

I asked my neighbors if the Xerox guy had sat in my chair, to which they said yes. Good God almighty. I immediately went to the supply drawer and found any kind of disinfectant I could find. Luckily there were some Clorox bleach wipes in there, and I went back to my desk and wiped down EVERYTHING. The entire chair, my desk, the walls, and the frame of the cube leading to the printer. This sweaty monster had contaminated my entire work space. My neighbors became quite humored at my constant swearing and sounds of disgust as I de-fouled everything.

When I had finished de-stinking the place, I thought that I would be able to sit back down and start working. But guess what? During the time I had sat down and through the entire cleaning of my cube, the offending smell had infiltrated my nose. No matter where I went - I could STILL SMELL IT.  I ended up in the bathroom washing my hands vigorously and made sure I cleaned out my nose by blowing it five or ten times and wiping it out with tissues. Finally...when I returned to my desk, all I could smell was the sweet odor of Clorox lemon-scented antibacterial wipes.  Ahh relief.

This relief was only short-lived though, because I KNEW this guy might be back when they replaced the printer. For the next two weeks, I lived in fear because I didn't want this guy near my desk again. Finally the day of reckoning arrived - and much to my delight - the Xerox person that day was not Mr. Body Odor. The person on duty that day turned out to be a nice (and clean looking) lady with a fresh new printer sitting on a rolling cart. She hooked it up, made sure it worked and departed with the broken down old one.  Ahh nasal offense avoided.

Every so often though, I can still smell that guy. I don't know where the offending smell is coming from, but it's here.....somewhere....lingering.

I hate that guy.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Friday, September 26, 2014

You're Welcome

Nearly 2 million people in the United States have the sexually transmitted disease (STD) chlamydia, according to new estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Smart Magazine Sales Tactic

Lap Dances Just Got Healthier

Monday, September 22, 2014

Sorority Sisterhood or Sorority Vagina?

I'm going with vagina.

Confession Bear And The Spider

Diagnosis: Ghetto Booty

I would think some gals would be okay with this. I would like to see this doctor's credentials though. Where does one go to school to diagnose this condition??

This Dog Is Way Cooler Than Your Dog

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 129

The Time Mookie Heard Someone Talking On The Phone In The Bathroom

I'm not normally one to write stories about legitimate "bathroom humor," but this one deserves the attention I am giving it because it was HILARIOUS.

I entered the bathroom at work one day to take care of some personal matters, and found that two of the three stalls were occupied. The open stall happened to be a handicap-accessible stall, but given the fact that my personal business was somewhat urgent - I entered the stall and began to do my thing. It was then that I heard it:  The guy in Stall #1 started talking.

At first I wondered if it was someone at the urinals talking, but I didn't see anyone when I came in. The person kept talking - in a foreign Asian-sounding language no less - and the talking would stop and start again as though the person was in a conversation. I became certain that the guy was talking on a cell phone.

I'm a guy who is a firm believer in "multi-tasking," but you DO NOT talk to someone on the phone while you are taking a dump in an office bathroom. You just don't. What you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but to do this at work is a COMPLETELY different situation. It is uncomfortable for the others in the bathroom, and it can't be pleasant for the person on the other end of the phone to know what the caller (and any other bathroom visitor) is doing. Plus this is a 3 toilet, 3 urinal, and 3 sink bathroom with steel stall dividers and tiled floors and walls. There is nothing to absorb any of the sounds, and things tend to "echo" if you catch my drift. There is no way to disguise where you are when bodily sounds are made and toilets are flushing. You just can't.

As I was sitting there thinking to myself that I couldn't believe that guy was doing that, the guy next to me in Stall #2 must have decided that he didn't care much for the guy on the phone either (or he just couldn't hold it any longer) because he FARTED. LOUDLY.

I mean he just seriously UNLOADED. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud because it was just awesome. Once the sound had dissipated, I could still hear the guy talking on the phone. I was thinking "OH MY GAWD HE'S STILL TALKING. How did that not shame him into hanging up immediately?" The guy in Stall #2  then fired a second shot. BBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNTTTT.

While it was not as epic as the first, it was still impressive nevertheless. It also made me wonder what the hell he had eaten to produce that kind of outburst. This time you could tell the guy in Stall #2 was doing it on purpose though, because there was definite effort involved. Amazingly the guy in Stall #1 seemed to continue his conversation. Just then someone else came into the bathroom and proceeded to the urinals. As that person was taking care of their business, I could still hear the Asian guy on the phone. The guy at the urinals must have not cared for the "cell phone talking crapper guy" either, because THAT guy let a fart go himself. BUUURRRNNNNT.

While yes this entire display was kind of gross, I do have to say that it was totally excused due to its location and the fact that it was sweet epic justice.

It wasn't long after that I heard the guy in Stall #1 stop talking. I then heard him finish up, wash his hands and expediously leave the bathroom. I followed shortly thereafter while the true hero of our story, the guy in Stall #2 remained behind to finish his gastro-intestinal business. It was incredibly hard not to go back to my desk and share this entertaining story, but I held it in. I opted to keep my gross bathroom stories to myself - Till now anyway.

I hope the guy in Stall #1 learned a valuable lesson that day, and will never talk on the phone in a bathroom stall again. Let this be a lesson to you too my dear readers of Mookie's Monday Morning Story. However if you choose to do otherwise, I hope the guy in Stall #2 is there to shut you down with complete reckless abandon.

Have a good Monday everyone.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the library and catch up.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Workaholics Gang Knows How To Bong A Beer

Nobody Would Say No To That

Cocaine and Waffles

Congratulations Charlie Brown

It must have really been something to get Lucy to praise you like that.

Slow News Day At Channel 4

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 128

The Time Mookie Met The Rock Group: FireHouse

If you are not immediately familiar with the group "FireHouse," I question your priorities as a person.

FireHouse is responsible for some of the greatest songs to come out of the 1990's, namely the song "Don't Treat Me Bad." If you do not like this song, I will fight you. My friend "Rick*" still swears to this day that he "discovered" FireHouse. I should mention that he only "discovered" them within our gang of friends and not to the mass population, but that is neither here nor there and is not important right now to the story.

Several years ago, FireHouse was on the road with the "Rock Never Stops" summer tour and I was WAY excited to see them. They were set to perform with Quiet Riot, RATT, and one of my uber-favorites - Cinderella at the local arena, so I checked with the gang and see who wanted to go. In an odd twist, the only person I could get to go due to various reasons was Rick's wife "Pam.*" This was cool by me, so we went.

FireHouse opened the show and they ROCKED. They did all the hits: "Shake and Tumble," "All She Wrote," "Reach For The Sky," "Love Is A Dangerous Thing," a medley of their power ballads: "Love of a Lifetime," "When I Look Into Your Eyes," "I Live My Life For You," and then brought down the house with "Don't Treat Me Bad."

As they were getting ready to leave the stage, they said how they would be in the back of the arena for the next 30 min or so signing autographs and doing a meet and greet.  Awesome. Pam and I decided to grab another beer, hit the restroom, and then go meet frickin' FireHouse. As I was standing in line for beer and waiting for Pam, members of FireHouse came out from behind the stage area and began walking right PAST ME me en route to their dressing room. I gave them the "head nod" greeting and said "great show" as they walked by. They all smiled and said "thanks" as they continued by. AWESOME.

Pam re-joined me and we ventured back into the crowd to await Quiet Riot's appearance. We decided we'd wait a bit for the line to meet FireHouse to die down before we went over. In the meantime Kevin DuBrow (rest in peace) and Quiet Riot had taken the stage, and began running through their 3 popular songs. It was then we decided to head over to meet FireHouse and get their autograph. The only thing we had available to sign were our ticket stubs, which they graciously signed. They were super polite and each member shook our hands and thanked us for coming before signing an autograph for us. I've been to a zillion concerts and never had a band do any of this, so this was exciting.
Signatures L-R: Bill Leverty, Michael Foster,
C.J. Snare, Allen McKenzie

Needless to say, even though I loved their stuff before this event - they definitely moved up several notches on my list of favorite bands after this.

As luck would have it, a few years later FireHouse decided to visit my area again and I made sure I would be in attendance. Along for the ride with me this time was my brother-in-law "Brian*," and we had a good time. FireHouse was headlining this show, so they broke out all the aforementioned hits PLUS more. Brian and I were not far from the stage, so we had an excellent view of the entire show. It should go without saying that they closed with "Don't Treat Me Bad" and brought down the house.

As they did before, at the end of the show they announced that if you wanted to meet the band they would be signing autographs next to the stage. Brian didn't really seem interested in meeting the group and probably thought I was a little girl, but I wanted to meet them again. So I did.

Again, they were super classy guys and made sure to talk to everybody and signed anything that was put in front of them. It was clear these guys enjoy what they do for a living and appreciate everyone for letting them do it.

If FireHouse should come to your area, I very much recommend that you go check them out. I might even see you there.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to catch up!!