Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas From Breathtaking and Inappropriate

Here's to hoping your holiday festivities are as festive as you want them to be.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Top Ten Christmas Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

Top Ten Christmas Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. The Naughty List

 9. Santa Claus is coming tonight

 8. Roasted chestnuts

 7. Open my package 

 6. The Little Drummer Boy is the best song ever

 5. Milk and cookies for Santa

 4. Ho Ho Ho

 3. Stocking stuffer

 2. Sugar Plums

 1. Yule log

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Top Ten Ways To Tell-Off Aunt Karen At Christmas

10. No one wants to hear about your bible study, Aunt Karen.

 9. Yes, in fact I DO NEED this third plate of cheese and sausage, Aunt Karen.

 8. You're cats are stupid, Aunt Karen.

 7. So what if I drank the rest of the beer Karen? I saw you eat the whole bowl of ham loaf.

 6. You didn't grow apart Aunt Karen, Uncle Steve left you because of your severe halitosis.

 5. The Little Drummer Boy is a song from hell, Aunt Karen. You should go there.

 4. Nice job clogging the toilet again, Aunt Karen.

 3. Everyone has had enough of you showing us your hammertoe, Aunt Karen.

 2. Thanks for the $10 gift card to Sears I'll never be able to use, Aunt Karen.

 1. Nobody cares, Aunt Karen. Nobody cares.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear At The Family Christmas Gathering

10. My goodness your ass has sure has gotten big.

 9. We're out of booze.

 8. Do you really NEED that third plate of cheese and sausage?

 7. We donated money on your behalf to the 2020 Trump re-election campaign.

 6. I'm going to pray for you.

 5. The Little Drummer Boy

 4. Sorry folks. Toilet's clogged.

 3. I guess everyone is spending the night! They just closed all the roads due to snow.

 2. I hope you don't ruin Christmas like you always do.

 1. Get your coats! We're going to church!

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You

10. Every Christmas morning you find an "upper-decker" in your toilet.

 9. He steals a bulb from the lights on the tree so the entire string doesn't work.

 8. He dumps the milk and crumbles the cookies you left for him all over the rug.

 7. He leaves you messages saying he has naked pictures of your mom.

 6. Somehow he does donuts in the front yard with the sleigh.

 5. You can't prove it, but you know he HAS TO BE the one that keeps signing you up to be a Pampered Chef sales consultant.

 4. Sets the CD player to play The Little Drummer Boy at full-blast when turned on.

 3. He covers your trees with old lady underwear.

 2. Drinks all your beer and leaves the empties under the tree.

 1. That's not a lump of coal in your stocking.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Top Ten Horrid Things About Christmas

10. There isn't

 9. Anything

 8. Horrid

 7. About Christmas

 6. At All

 5. That's just

 4. Someone

 3. Talking

 2. Nonsense