Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Ahh It Is The End of the Month!

January is coming to an end, and for me that is a good thing.  It is one of my most hectic months at work, and of course it is in Winter, so I naturally hate it.  I'll let Charlie from TV's "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" sum up my thoughts in the matter...

Amen brother.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Ron Swanson on Award Shows

Tis the Season for the award shows.  I hope your favorites are winning.  I could give a crap.  The same goes for Ron.

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 1

The Time Mookie Unknowingly Made Fun of a Handicapped Person

This story sadly has two parts:

Part I
I was at work and was walking up a large stairway that went from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor from our cafeteria.  As I was walking up I noticed a woman walking up the stairs in front of me holding a tray with her lunch on it.  At the landing at top of the stairs is a set of glass doors that one would need to pull open to get through.  The woman arrived at the top of the stairs ahead of me and turned to her left, looked at me and smiled and said:

"I was hoping there would be someone around to help me open the door."  

Me being the nice guy I am, I was more than happy to help out.  I said "sure" and hiked up the last stairs to open the door for her.  As I reached the door and began to open it, I jokingly said:

"What's the matter, can't you one arm it?"  

She let out a half-hearted laugh and proceeded to walk past me through the doorway.  That was when I noticed her right side:


OMG!  How could I have done such a thing?  I couldn't say anything as I was struck with fear/embarassment, and quickly went the opposite way she did.

In my defense:  The truth of the matter was that I was in no physical position going up the stairs to notice she was lacking her right arm.  She was walking up the stairs directly in front of me.  Her clothing had a "right arm" to it, but I did not have the proper viewing angle to notice it was hanging loosely at her side with no apendage under it.  Good lord I felt horrible.  I had just made fun of a one-armed woman right to her face.  She probably thought I was quite the insensitive jackass.  Looking back now I wish I would have apologized.  I'm sorry one-armed lady.  I'm pretty much a d-bag.

But GD it....it was funny after the fact. 

And then:

Part II
Two-months later, I'm walking into work from the far reaches of the parking lot.  As I'm walking, I witness a car hauling ass into the immediate lot and whip into a handicap spot up near the building.  I see this person reach up and put their handicap sign up on the rearview mirror, and then proceed to exit the car with little or no physical trouble whatsoever.  I IMMEDIATELY think to myself, "Handicapped my ass."  Then she turned and walked free of the car to reveal herself.

GAWWWDDD DAMMMMMIITTT!!!  Once again.......it was the one-armed woman

I continued walking into the building, but stayed a safe distance behind.  I don't know if she recognized me, but she definitely did not hold the door for me.  You know, because she was holding a purse.  And the whole one-arm thing.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The Home Depot

The Home Depot has everything you need this weekend....

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A New Feature Coming To Breathtaking and Inappropriate!!!

Starting Monday January 30th, 2012, I will be doing a weekly feature called:

Monday Morning Stories with Mookie

Essentially, it is what I started this blog for to begin with.  Each Monday I will publish a detailed story of a particular event that has happened in my life.  At least 98% of these stories will be fun, and possibly hilarious.  The other 2% I have to reserve for any general life-event commentary that may come along. 

I am posting these stories and putting them in text really for my own benefit, but I may as well share them to amuse others.  My memory has recorded some of the most mundane and stupid details in my life, and I'd hate to let them slip away as I get older.  Plus my wife is probably sick of me telling them to her.  I may as well tell someone else.

I have to admit that most of my stories are probably pretty tame compared to the stuff you see on the news.  Then again, there will be more than a few where my own mother will probably call me up and proceed to "proper name" me (call me by my first and middle names) due to her shock.

The stories will span subjects that include: drunken stupidity, general college hi-jinx, stupid husband moments, "wow these are not my kids" moments, and then just general "Oh my God Mookie you are an idiot" events.  I have to admit that there probably will not be anything close to stories written by Tucker Max where he drunkenly banged some random chick and then threw up on her.  I was never that savvy. 

The stories I detail will be 100% true in nature.  However, I must mention that the names and locations of said individuals and events may be changed to protect the guilty/innocent/accused/involved unless they have already given me permission to use it.  I'd hate for someone to lose their jobs or reputations because a story got out where I identified them as "The South Side Mayonnaise Bandit." 

If you like the stories, please feel free to share the blog link with your family, friends and co-workers.

Someone Just Tried To Blow Up The World

Something like this should NEVER happen.  Ever.  KISS on your car?  Sure, go for it.  Kiss rules.  Nickelback?  They have a few good songs, however music critics HATE them.  That "Photograph" song essentially ruined them for me.  KISS and Nickelback together with the statement "Rock and Roll will never die?"  Dude, that is like saying you love George W. Bush and Barak Obama.  You ruined a nice paint job of KISS on your 1994 Chevy Cavalier by adding Chad Kroeger and his Nickelback cronies. 

I hope your collection of KISS cassettes is ruined in a suspicious fire.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

You Bet Your Balls It's Neil Diamond's 71st Birthday!!

Neil Diamond.  Is there a more suave m-f'er out there?  No.  There is not.  This guy could sing the Yellow Pages live in concert and the ladies would still scream and throw their underwear.

Short Bus Stoppin' For Lunch

Short Bus kids LOVE some Chinese food.

Monday, January 23, 2012


I'd pull over and take a pic too.

Honey Badger Don't Care

My sister sent me this, and it is just f'n funny.  By the 3rd viewing I was crying.
Warning: There be some language.
Click below to see it:

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sexist Joke Time!!!

While I don't subscribe to the whole "Men Are Better Than Women" thinking, you have to admit the jokes are freaking funny.  Take it away Don Draper!


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Poe Update

News reports are saying the Poe Toaster did not show again this year.  The die-hard fans are declaring the tradition dead. 


Happy 203rd Edgar Allan Poe!

Famed poet and writer Edgar Allan Poe turns 203 today. 

Born in 1809, he is responsible for the great works such as "The Raven," "The Tell-Tale Heart," "The Bells," "The Pit and the Pendulum," and "The Masque of the Red Death."

I  had the opportunity to visit Poe's grave, and the cemetery where he is buried in Baltimore, MD in 2011.  Easily one of the cooler sites I have visted.  The legend and lore of it all helps up the "coolness" factor.

Perhaps the "Poe Toaster" will have made a "re-appearance" this year, as he has not been seen since 2009.  I can't wait to see if he does.  For 60 years he would sneak into the graveyard in the early hours and leave 3 roses, and a partial bottle of congnac.  He would then disappear into the night, his identity known to no one. 

Here's some pics I took.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ron Swanson Ice Cream

Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson has to be one of the best TV characters ever.  He deserves this.

That Lady Loves Her Some McNuggets!


Police say woman offered sexual favors for chicken McNuggets

Published January 16, 2012
| FoxNews.com

A Los Angeles woman was arrested last week for offering sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, according to Burbank police.

Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles allegedly opened customers’ car doors while they were in the drive-thru of a Burbank McDonald's. 

A witness reported Baseer's activity to police and she was arrested on suspicion of prostitution. 


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Happy Birthday!

It's my oldest sister's birthday. She is entering her mid-thirties, which is pretty wild when I think about it.  We shouldn't be that old.  She makes/decorates cakes.   If I could bake, this is what I would make for her.

I'm not tremendously talented with baked goods.
Happy birthday M.S.A-D.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Hey! It's a Book About Your Mom!!

Look at those eyes.  You just know she loves a good muffin.


Oh! I know I know I know!


It could be.  The best part is, this is "Palace 1."  There must be another.....

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Need More Cowbell!!!

Whoops.  Looks like you CAN have too much cowbell. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

We Have A Weather Update.....

Sounds like your Mom on a Friday night....

Woooo Its Friday The 13th!!!!!

Look out kids!  It's Friday The 13th!  Jason Voorhies is going to come out of the closet with his chainsaws and knives and shit.  You better run.  Ok, odds are good he's not.  However, if you've seen Toy Story and are creeped out by talking toys....you've probably had this nightmare

Have a good weekend!!! 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Better Check Out The Weather!

As we are set here in my locale to (supposedly) get the first accumulated snowfall of the winter, I thought I'd check with my weather man and see what the story is.  I like the forecast.

Friday, January 06, 2012

It's the Weekend! Time For A Snack Bitches!

This chick knows how to live.  She rides the bus.  She is obviously current on today's fashion trends. AND... She obviously has great taste in mayonaise. 

I love mayonaise while riding the bus.  It takes me back to that time when......well..never.  I have never done this.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year

Well well. It's 2012.  Whoop-de-freakin-doo.  Did you make your New Year's Resolutions yet?  Yeah, me neither.  Why do people set themselves up for failure like that?  Seriously.  That has to be one of the unstudied causes of depression in this country.

If I did though, I'd make the usual ones: Get in shape.  Lose weight.  Be nicer to people.  Drink more.  You know...the standards.

Well, whatever your deal is, I hope you can follow through with it.  I hate failures.

On behalf of the entire staff here at Breathtaking and Inappropriate, I wish you a Happy New Year.  Please enjoy our holiday staff picture.