Thursday, September 27, 2012

Teachers Think They Are All That

Didn't you used to hate it when a teacher got up in your business for "interrupting?"  Love this.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Now That Is An Obituary!

I saw this screen capture online the other day....

So I decided to dig up the obit.  It did not disappoint:

Blanchard, Michael "Flathead"
1944 ~ 2012
A Celebration of the life of Michael "Flathead" Blanchard will be held on April 14th, 3 pm 8160 Rosemary St, Commerce City. Weary of reading obituaries noting someone's courageous battle with death, Mike wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors' orders and raising hell for more than six decades. He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died. 
Mike was born July 1944 in Colorado to Clyde and Ethel Blanchard. A community activist, he is noted for saving the Dr. Justina Ford house from demolition and defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a Republican delegate, life member of the NRA, founder and President of the Dead Cats MC. He loved music.
Mike was preceded in death by Clyde and Ethel Blanchard, survived by his beloved sons Mike and Chopper, former wife Jane Transue, brother Stephen Blanchard (Susan), Uncle Don and Aunt Cynthia Blanchard(his favorite); Uncle Dill and Aunt Dot, cousins and nephews, Baba Yaga can kiss his butt. So many of his childhood friends that weren't killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats. He asks that you stop by and re-tell the stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain Adult material we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.
Published in Denver Post on April 12, 2012

Rest in peace Flathead.  You sounded like an awesomely ornery S.O.B.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 35

The Time Mookie Applied To Be An Astronaut

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut.  I grew up during the end of the "Apollo" era, and was WAY engrossed in the Space Shuttle program when they fired that thing up.  As a kid, you have NO idea about what it actually takes to be an astronaut - you just know it would be way cool to be one.  The risks of the job aren't even on a kid's radar when it comes to wanting that job either.  All you really (and innocently) know about it is that you blast off in a rocket and when you get to space are weightless - This is clearly a bad ass way to make a living.

Sadly, that innocence was lost for many on January 28, 1986 when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded in a bright orange fireball 73 seconds after take off.  The disaster was witnessed by millions of people on live TV, including school children all over the country who were watching because school-teacher Christa McAullife was on board the Shuttle.  The disaster brought NASA to a screeching halt for 3 years, and truly showed people the real risks involved with manned space flight.

As I grew up and became aware of what one would need to do to be an astronaut (advanced education, possible military, and of course being reeeeally smart), I began to sort of let that dream fade away. I became resigned to the fact I was not a math/science whiz, nor did I want to spend YEARS doing tedious research to be a math/science whiz.  I eventually came to accept my limitations, and chose a different path in life.

Then one day, several years later..
I was reading a magazine article about how if you applied to NASA to be an astronaut, and if (when) you were rejected, they sent you a cool "rejection" letter that was worthy of framing.  I thought that seriously sounded cool.  Who do you know that has a framed letter from NASA on their wall?  Nobody right??

While I understood the odds of me being accepted to the astronaut ranks were completely zero, I hit the internet and downloaded the application packet off the NASA website.  It took me awhile to complete the application packet as it was understandably quite long, but I continued on with purpose.  I wanted my reject letter.  I'm not going to lie to you though, there was something way deep down inside me that told me "Wouldn't it be cool if they said yes?"  Because of that, I took the application seriously.  I created a special resume, and made sure all of my information was totally accurate. When it came to the spot where it said what actual astronaut "position" I was applying for, I had no idea.  There was a supplemental informational form in the packet that explained the positions.  There was no way I was going to qualify as a pilot or commander of any kind.  Then there was the "catch all" position - Mission Specialist.  Hell yes, I could do that.  What would I specialize in?  Whatever they needed me to, that's what.  I could run the big arm out of the payload bay if they let me.

Further on in the packet checklist, it suggested I provide "letters of recommendation" from any professors, notable scientists or influential people that could speak to my credentials.  Who do I know that is notable and influential in society?  Nobody.  No one.  Then I saw something on TV that was urging people to contact their congressman about some issue they were talking about.  That's when it hit me, and I decided to "go big" for this one.  What did I do?  I sent an email to Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley's office - asking if he would write me a "letter of recommendation" for the astronaut program.  Trust me, I was giggling when I did it due to the absurdity of it all.  But then again, we are talking about the U.S. Government here - anything is possible.

To Chuck's credit, he actually sent me a letter about a week later saying he would LOVE to write me a letter of recommendation and support someone from his great state of Iowa.  Then he dropped the hammer on me.  He wanted me to send him my credentials, and proof that I actually was qualified to be in-line for this gig before he'd speak on my behalf..  C'MON CHUCK!  Help a brother out here!  Needless to say I didn't send anything to Chuck, as it would have been a waste of his and my time.  However I bet be would have laughed had I sent him my meager resume.  That of course was not going to stop me from sending it to NASA though.

Once I decided I had everything I needed, I crossed the T's and dotted the I's, and mailed off my fully completed astronaut application to NASA.  Me. Mookie.  Application to NASA.  That's just funny.

A few weeks went by, and then one day I got a postcard in the mail from NASA that more-or-less read:

"Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your recent application to NASA and the Astronaut Program.  We are reviewing your application and are in the process of making selections for the program at this time.  We will be contacting  you soon regarding our review."

BOO. YAH.  I was excited.  I couldn't believe they were actually LOOKING at my application!  It was a joke, but OK, whatever.  I was very curious as to when I would hear from them, but luckily I didn't have wait long.

A week later I went to the mailbox and found a fat yellow envelope addressed to me, and had NASA insignias all over it.  HOLY SHIT WHAT DID THEY JUST SEND ME??????  I excitedly opened the packet and pulled out a pile of papers that looked somewhat familiar.  On top of this pile was the following letter:

In case you can't read this photocopy (the nice looking original with color embossed letterhead stationary is tucked away for safe keeping), it says:
"Thank you for your application for the Astronaut Candidate Program.
We can't consider you for the program at this time.  Our review of your application indicates you don't have a degree in a qualifying field.  The program requires a degree in engineering, physical or biological science, or mathematics.  In addition, the degree must be followed by 3 years of related professional experience.
We are returning your application, but hope you will reapply once you have obtained the requirements.
Teresa Gomez"

That's right, I failed SO badly that they returned the entire packet I sent them BACK TO ME.  It was so bad, it wasn't even good enough to land in the trash bin at NASA.  "Get that thing out of here"they must have said.  I laughed hardest at the line that says "we hope you reapply once you have obtained the requirements."  As if to say, "We aren't holding our breath, but you can re-apply when you are qualified."

Even though my sole goal out of this entire process was to get the cool reject letter from NASA, I have to admit there was a small part of me that was disappointed.  That dream I've had since I was a child about flying to the stars would remain to be only that - just a dream.

And while I have failed or been rejected from many things in my life, I will always be proud to say that I was officially (and soundly) rejected from NASA.

Not everyone can say that.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Classic Spongebob

Spongebob and Patrick come up with some good ones sometimes.  Here's a classic...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

New Shows!!

Parks and Recreation is new tonight!  To get you in the mood, here is a bonus Ron Swanson moment for the week.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

It's Picture Time!

Your kids will be getting their pictures taken at school here pretty soon.  Consider this an FYI.  Do not let your kids wear stuff with words on them.  This could happen....

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Ron Is BACK This Week!!

New Episodes of "Parks And Recreation" start this Thursday, September 20th!  Make sure you tune in to see what nuggets of knowledge Ron will spew this season.

You should already know...Ron is ready...

Monday, September 17, 2012

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 34

The Time Mookie and Friends Stole A Lot Of 
Political Signs And Put Them All In One Yard

(Editor's Note:  As the "political season" is upon us, I thought I should share this gem because it's highly appropriate.  This is easily one of my all-time-favorite stories.  Please note that what occurs in the story is a much bigger crime these days, so don't copycat the activities that lie within.)

A year after we graduated high school, "Rick"(*) and I thought we should do the "alumni thing" and go back to our high school for their Homecoming football game.  We met up with our other good friends "Russ"(*) and "Junior"(*) - who actually were still seniors in high school, and headed out for the game.

The game itself was unmemorable (we predictably lost), except for a nice moment where Rick and I exchanged a joke where we made fun of the fact our school routinely had a horrible football team.  We somehow found ourselves along the sidelines after the game, and I proceeded to walk out on the field about 5 yards and told Rick to join me.

I asked "Can you feel it?"  To which Rick replied "Feel what?"
"The magic." I said.  Rick looked at me with confusion and flatly said "No."
"I KNOW!" I said. "No one feels any magic on this field.  That is why we suck."

Rick liked that for some reason.

After the game, Rick, Russ, Junior and I hopped in my trusty Ford EXP and headed out on the town.  We ended up at Hardee's as usual, and socialized with everyone that had also came back for the game.  Eventually we soon found ourselves bored with the status quo of the evening.  As history had always shown, when we became bored - we turned to deviant behavior.  Tonight was going to be no different.

It was a big political election year, and the town was full of signs for every city, state, and federal candidate on the ballot in November.  I don't recall who's bright idea it was, but we decided we needed to remove as many political signs out of people's yards as we could.  What were we going to do with them?  Eh...we'd figure that out later.

We again piled into the EXP and headed out on our stealthy sign stealing mission.  I should note that my car was a two-seat car - no backseat -  with a fairly large hatchback.  Russ and Junior had the pleasure of sitting in the hatch.

We stalked out our prey up by driving up and down the darkened streets of our town, looking for places where we were least likely to get caught.  When the coast appeared clear, Rick or I would jump out and yank a sign or two out of a yard, throw it in the hatch, and depart as quickly as possible.  As a cautionary measure, I would leave my lights off so my car was not as identifiable, and no lights shown on my license plates.  When there was a yard with multiple signs, we would all jump out and swiftly clear the yard of its political ads.  After getting a few "pulls" under our belts, we were like a finely-tuned sniper team.  In. Out. Boom.

Not everything went off without a hitch though, and there were a few hiccups along the way.  At one house, Rick got out and went for a nicely built "wood" sign.  This baby had 1X2 inch wood legs that unfortunately were driven into the ground pretty good.  He yanked, and got nothing.  He pulled again and the thing didn't budge.  Not wanting to give up on this prize of a sign, he gave it one more big pull - but with a slight twist.  "CRRAAACKK!!"  His twisting motion broke the legs off the sign, and the next thing we hear is Rick going "SHIT!"  He comes flying to the car with a broken sign in in his hand, and in a "yelling whisper" going  "GO GO GO GO."  We got the hell out of there and Rick said he swore that wood cracking sounded like a gun going off.  Once we realized we were safely away we laughed and laughed at the ordeal Rick had just created.

Yards like this were a gold mine.  We stripped them bare.
After a good 20 minutes of driving around and getting brave with our endeavor, we drove through a particular neighborhood that had TONS of signs.  We quickly drew up a game plan where we'd park the car at Russ' house (which was very near by), paired up (Russ and Rick / Junior and Mookie), and hit the area on foot.  We cleared yard after yard of political signs.  Occasionally, we'd leave one...because we didn't want to be totally greedy. After the fact it was rather funny.  There were 3 yards in particular right next to each other that had approximately 5 signs in each yard.  We took them all except one random sign.

Finally we rounded the block and we all met up together again, each of us holding a boat-load of signs. We decided we "had enough" signs, but weren't sure what to do with them.  Then we remembered that we were near a particular house, and someone said:  "Let's put them in Joe's yard."

"Joe Steele"(*) happened to be the step-dad of one of our old high school classmates.  Joe was a chronically cranky person - at least that was our opinion of him.  One particular story we heard about him was that he was "goddamning" someone about their car, or making "Jesus Christ" exasperations in regards to his wife "Julie"(*) or his step-son "Eric"(*).  In our private circles, we would impersonate Joe, and of course just embellish the shit out of the impersonation based on these hearsay stories.

-Jesus Christ Eric!  Do you wanna tell your friends not to park their f**king cars in front of my house?
-I don't know where the f**k Eric is.
-Julie!  Bitch!  Jesus Christ.  Make me a f**king sandwich and bring me some Canadian Club!
-What do you think this is?  A f**king barrage?

Again, most of these comments were embellished for our entertainment, but not by much.

We made our way back to my car, got the rest of the signs, and walked up the street towards Joe's house.  The entire way there we were hoping no one would see us, but yet made no real effort to hide our activities during the walk over there.  We get to Joe's house, and there isn't a light on in the place.  As it is about 1AM, there is nary a light on in the neighborhood as well.  So we went to work.

We began randomly putting signs into the yard and quickly covered the entire front lawn..  We had a LOT of signs.  We put them in the bushes, against the house, all over the yard, and even put a couple up on the front steps.  It was just an overall ballsy display of non-damaging vandalism.  When we finished we were dying with laughter.  I remember laughing so hard I could hardly breathe.  We had to then walk the 4 or 5 blocks back to Russ' house, and the entire way I was literally crying with laughter.  This was of course in-between our impersonations of what the dialogue between Joe and Julie would be when they saw all the signs the next morning:

-Jesus f**king Christ Julie!  What the f**k?  Who f**king did this?
-Where's Eric?  He's not home.  Who the f**k did this?  Jesus Christ!
-Who the f**k is going to clean up this shit?

We all went back to Russ' house and laughed some more, and then decided to call it a night.  I remember just being exhausted and my stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

Rick had asked me if I could help him move a couch he had a acquired up to his dorm at college early the next morning, and I said sure.  So I set my alarm for 6AM, and crashed.

I awoke the next morning - still grinning about the prior night's activity - and got ready to head out and go over to Rick's house.  As I left my house, I decided I needed to see Joe's house again.  You the daylight...and see what it looked like.  As I turned the corner that went by Joe's house I was left in total shock:  Every sign was GONE.  There was no trace of any sign that we had put in Joe's yard less than 6 hours ago.  This of course caused more laughter, and when told Rick of what I had seen he couldn't believe it.  We determined that Joe and Julie must have come home after we had completed our mission in the middle of the night, and removed the signs.  We aren't sure what they did with all those signs, but I'm sure Joe wasn't happy about it.

One thing I know for sure is that a good laugh like that doesn't come around very often.  While it was unfortunate that our entertainment was at someone else's expense, I can sleep at night about it because Joe was probably so drunk when he got home that night he doesn't even remember it.

Good times.

(*) - Named changed to protect the mostly guilty and not-so-innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  
Click HERE to see the "Monday Morning Stories With Mookie" catalog.

Friday, September 14, 2012


I hope everyone has a great weekend.  Whatever you do, stay away from Ms. Stanley!

She's a fun hater.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Happy Birthday To My Oldest Son!!

My oldest son turns a mighty "10" years old today.  He's quite a kid, and I am very proud of him.  Here's a pic of  him running through an inflatable obstacle course.  Hopefully he can hurdle the obstacles in life as easily as he tore through this thing.

Happy Birthday Buddy.

Ron Is Not A Rabbit

Monday, September 10, 2012

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 33

The Time Mookie Thought He Was Going To Meet The Bassist From The Band "Toto"

Back when "Megan (*)" and I lived in Colorado Springs, we both worked 2nd shift at our respective jobs - she at MCI, while I slaved away at Wal-Mart.  One night Megan came home and told me that her department was going to have a "picnic" at her work on a particular Sunday afternoon.  The immediate family of the employees were invited, and it was to be a nice potluck social gathering.

As her and I didn't have any real friends or family in the area (in other words...anything else better to do), we thought we'd go and be social.

The festivities were going to be held out behind the building where there was a nice picnic area and a HUGE lawn where people could play games.  As the event drew nearer, Megan reported that they had gotten a band to play at picnic. I inquired as to who the group would be, figuring it was some employee's high school kid and their friends.  She said: "I forget the name, but they said the bassist used to play for the band 'Toto."

My reply was "TOTO??  Like '(I Bless The Rains Down in) Africa' and 'Rosanna' - Toto?"

She says, "I don't know, I guess."


I should mention I have no idea who the bassist for Toto is.  I didn't even bother to look it up.  It doesn't matter though because I will be able to tell people I met the bassist from Toto!  Yes I am retarded.

From then on, when the topic of the picnic came up, we affectionately started referring to the guy as "Toto Guy," and we were going to to the "Toto Guy Picnic."  This went on for like two weeks.  Finally one day Megan came home from work and had some news to share with me.

R:  Hey, remember how I said that the bassist from "Toto" was going to be at our picnic?
M:  Yeah!
R:  Well I found out today he's not the bassist for Toto.
M: Huh?
R:  Yeah apparently he was the bassist in some band that OPENED for Toto one time.

WELL WHO GIVES A FLYING RATS ASS ABOUT THAT??  I'm sure there have been a billion no-name bands that opened for Toto!  Needless to say I am bummed at this news.

The day of the event arrives, and its safe to say my enthusiasm is now lacking due to the disappointment over the Toto Guy.  Everything is fine at the picnic, and everyone is being social and eating from the lovely potluck everyone contributed to.  Over in the corner I see a little 3 piece band setting up - a drummer, a guitarist, and a bassist - The Guy Who Opened One Time For The Real Toto Guy.  They eventually start playing, but it was this "easy listening" type of music that just sort played in the background to the picnic.  All I could think of was "You play this crap?  No wonder you only opened for  Toto once."

In the end, I honestly think I was more bummed than anything that we had to stop using the nickname "TOTO GUY."  Because honestly....who remembers the bassist in Toto anyway??

FYI:  I looked it up on Wikipedia.  David Hungate was bassist until 1982, and then Mike Porcaro took over.  A guy named Nathan East is the bass man now.  You're welcome.

Miss a previous Episode of Monday Morning Stories with Mookie?  Go HERE.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

All In A Day's Work

Boss:  Bill, I need you and Frank to go up on the antenna of the Empire State Building and get the bird nest out of that open pipe up there.

Bill:  We're on it!

Wednesday, September 05, 2012


I'm sorry, but this is awesome.  Look at the amount of "air" that person got!

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Happy Birthday Megan!

The Staff  here at Breathtaking and Inappropriate would like to take a minute and wish "Megan (*)" a very happy birthday!  Megan is our resident advice/self-help/fashionista columnist.  She also has a dynamite rack.

To celebrate, some of the staff decided to dress up as a super heroes (see photo below).  Unfortunately we had to send a few people home because their "super powers" involved taking their pants off.

Happy Birthday Megan!

Yes She Does.

There are compliments, and then there are Ron Swanson Compliments.

Monday, September 03, 2012

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 32

Tuesday (Tomorrow) is my wife's birthday, so I thought I'd share this gem....

The Time Mookie Watched Megan Eat Real Food

This could have been one of us on a Saturday Morning
I met my wife "Megan (*)" back when we used to work at Wal-Mart during our sophomore year of college.  There was a large group of us college-aged kids who were normally stuck closing down the store every night.  While the work pretty much blew, we made up for it with regular "get-togethers" that usually formed right after work around 11-11:30PM.  A normal night would consist of us partying all night, getting less than two-hours of sleep, and then having to go to class at 8AM the next morning.  If it was the weekend, you could guaran-f'n-tee the Wal-Mart management made sure we were scheduled at 7 or 8 AM just to see us roll in hung over and looking like death.  Looking back at it, I don't know how we did it, but man....we were good at it.

At first Megan and I just started hanging out via a small group of people.  After a little while though, we started hanging out together when we weren't working, in class, or busy being intoxicated in some apartment on the NE side.  As you now know, all that "being together" eventually and naturally turned into something else wonderful all together....and it has been "us" together ever since.

There is one moment that still stands out in my mind to this day, that told me early on that she was going to be a "keeper."  What did she do?  She ate a hamburger.

One day, her and I decided to stop off at Hardee's and have a quick bite to eat.  It was the Hardee's that used to reside on Edgwood Road NW (yes...this was that memorable).  We went in and went to the counter to order our food.  Megan ordered first, and I was shocked as to what she ordered:

Quarter Pound Bacon Cheeseburger
Large Fries
Large Drink

Why was I shocked?  Because I know that a quarter pound hamburger is not a small sandwich by any means.  Any girl I had ever gone out with prior to this had NEVER ate something like this.  It was always a simple lame patty hamburger, some chicken crap,  or God forbid - a salad.  In the event someone did order something "good," they would never finish it or say they "weren't that hungry."  Until this very moment, I had never realized how disappointing it was to me that my past girlfriends ate sub-standard food.


Here we are, this chick here has ordered what was - in my mind - the most glorious burger Hardee's had on the menu (at that time) - a quarter pound BACON cheeseburger.  Properly made - this burger was a dream.

We sat down to eat, and I have to tell you....I watched her eat this sandwich.    Ladies and gentleman I must tell my mind it was nothing short of magical.  This beautiful girl...this REAL WOMAN was sitting right in front of me was eating REAL food.  My God this was awesome.

Kate Upton's re-creation of my memory of
Megan eating a Hardee's hamburger

While we ate (I had the same thing) and conversed, I couldn't believe how impressed I was by this whole event taking place.  It was just strange.  Obviously I didn't tell her of my thoughts, because...well...that would be scary.  Not that I thought it was "erotic" or anything, but I do have to admit that it was pretty damn sexy.

Then do you know what she did?  You won't believe it...she finished the hamburger.  SHE ATE ALL of it!  It was epic.

Sadly, the time came for us to depart and head back out into the world do God-knows-what.  But I do know that I was forever changed as a human being while sitting in that Hardee's that day.  Forever.  Changed.  I'm getting teary just thinking about it.
Now of course you are thinking to yourself, "Mookie, you are being silly."  To which I say yes, for humor's sake I am being a little bit silly.  But not much though.
This event really did strike a nerve with me for some reason, and it was one of those things in our relationship I will always remember.

This was honestly a strange and wonderful event in my relationship with my wife Megan.  Her and I have shared many other wonderful (and equally weird) stories in our lives together, and I look forward to the many weird and wonderful things that may lie in store for us.

Happy Birthday Megan
Love Mookie