Monday, June 30, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 121

The Time Mookie Was Hit With A Bottle Rocket

In honor of both the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and my friend "Rick's*" birthday, I present to you this lovely tale of a fireworks outing that went awry at my expense.

One early evening on the back patio of Rick's parents' house, a group of us had just had a nice dinner on the grill and were enjoying a few adult beverages. As per usual, we were all making fun of one another, telling "your mom" jokes, and generally having a good laugh. It wasn't long until Rick decided to liven up the evening a bit more and broke out his stash of fireworks.

Bottle rockets, firecrackers, roman candles, and other miscellaneous items were launched off the patio into the back yard by all of us. All was going well until Rick decided to make things we called "chasers." A "chaser" is a bottle rocket that has had the stick removed. You set the rocket itself on the ground and light it there. The absence of the stick makes the rocket quite unstable and fairly erratic. Most of the time it just shot across the pavement in the direction it was pointed, and into the grass where it exploded a few seconds later. Occasionally it would change course mid-flight and take off in another direction, but nothing too hazardous. FYI: If you are the Mel Gibson-type, you may have heard these called something where you insert a certain racial slur in front of the word "chasers" - although we did NOT do this.

As each person took turns letting off random fireworks, the rest of us were sitting around the table watching and talking trash. For some reason, Rick continued his "chaser" activities even though he was seated at the table. He started off by just setting them on the ground below his chair and pointing them away from the table as he lit them. Apparently he got bored with this, because then he started lighting them and THROWING them out into the yard nearby from his chair. While most of them just sat in the grass while they fired and exploded, there were one or two actually got out of the grass and errantly took off out into the yard. Again nothing seemed to hazardous, and we even joked about one of the chasers coming back at the table.

Well, one did.

I watched Rick light the fuse of a chaser and then throw it out into the grass from his chair. The next thing I knew was that I had a chaser rocket coming RIGHT at me in my chair and I had no where to go. The chaser hit me in the stomach, and of course my natural reaction was to yell and jump out of the chair. I believe the words "OH SHIT!" were yelled by everyone around the table - especially myself. When the chaser hit me, it immediately burned a hole in my shirt and tried to continue its trajectory THROUGH me. When I jumped up, I immediately un-tucked my shirt and tried to get this thing out of it. Not only was it burning me, but I did not want this thing EXPLODING inside my shirt next to my skin. I stood there flagging my shirt like a madman for what seemed like forever, even though it was probably only 2 seconds. Finally the chaser fell out of my shirt, and just as it hit the ground - it exploded. Everyone sitting there had watched the whole thing, and I watched their eyes go from the just-exploded rocket on the ground up to my face that was surrounded by smoke that was still coming out of the neck, sleeves, and the newly-burned hole in the shirt.Then everyone LOST it and started laughing - including myself.

Due to me flagging my shirt like a hysterical girl (and probably screaming like one), the burns to my torso were thankfully fairly light and didn't amount to much short of a small blister. To his credit, Rick was quite apologetic about it and did feel bad that he pretty much set me on fire. However, like a good friend - he did his share of laughing after he figured out I was OK.

The dick still owes me a shirt though.

Rick - Happy Birthday.
Everyone else - Have a safe Fourth of July, and stay out of the way of those errant fireworks. Its all fun and games until you get a bottle rocket in your shirt.

Miss a previous episode? Click HERE to catch up!

Friday, June 27, 2014

Where Is Boots?

By the looks of it, Dora finally got sick of his shit.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 120

The Time Mookie Opened Up The Breathtaking and Inappropriate Mailbag

Even though my little corner of the internet is here is pretty sad and lonely compared to the "real" sites out there, every now and then I do get emails and messages from people who have stumbled onto my site. While most of messages are just from people who feel the need to spout off about something I've posted or written, there have been more than a few who have said they enjoy reading my site and find it rather entertaining. Then there have been a few who have went as far as to offer their "suggestions" on how to better my site for the internet community. Truth be told: some of these suggestions have been seriously considered - and on rare occasion - even used. The rest just make me want to reply back with an email that says "Eff-Off." If you don't like it - don't read it. It's that simple people. It's not rocket science over here.

Let's get to the mailbag.

Anonymous writes:
I look at your site every so often and notice you make a lot of jokes about religion. You probably shouldn't do that because I bet a lot of people might be offended by that.

Yeah, you're right. I'll stop. Pffbbfbfbfbfbfbfbfbfbfbfb. NOT.  I poke fun at religion because I think it's funny, and not because I have any ill-will towards a person who follows any particular faith. I honestly respect a person's religious views and think they can believe whatever they want to believe. That is that person's business. However...that doesn't mean I have to believe in what you believe in though, and that's OKAY. It's called acceptance and tolerance, people. I don't care if you make fun of me because you think I'm going to hell, or that you think my life has no direction because I don't "follow" Jesus. Just know that I'm going to tease you right back about someone/something you can't even prove exists, and that organized religion has a track record of having some of the most corrupt and hypocritical representatives EVER created. So if you feel offended by my posts that poke fun at religion, I'm sorry that you feel offended. Just know that I'm offended because you have no sense of humor. Ain't nobody got time for 'dat.

Anonymous writes:
You have a lot of funny pictures on your site. Where do you get them? Can I use them?

Thank you, and yes you can use most of them because the odds are good I "borrowed" them myself. The only exception are those tagged with "Mookie5150," as those are actual pictures I took and they are mine. I get most of my pictures from all across the internet, but I imagine most of them probably originated on Reddit at one time or another - which everyone who has ever been to that site knows - is a re-post haven.

Brittany O'Shea writes:
(In response to the post and picture to the right titled "Does This Mean What I Think It Does?" )
It means Bad Gina.....her name is Gina!

Really? You had to comment on this to tell me this? I pretty much guessed that was what her name was, Brittany. However the license plate has the word "gina" on it, which is the latter part of the word "vagina." Hence the joke I was getting at was that the owner of this car has a "bad vagina." I'm sorry if this was lost on you. The bigger question here should be why Gina felt the need to get a vanity plate that said she was "Bad Gina?" Is she really that bad? I mean she drives a fairly nice Buick, so she can't be that bad can she? I'm sticking with the bad vagina joke because that just makes more sense to me, but then again I'm wrong in the head.

Anonymous writes:
I  enjoy reading your blog, but sometimes your posts are hard to read due to the colors and fonts you use. You should reconsider using these as it would make your blog more easy to read. Thanks.

This is actually one of the few emails where I listened to what someone said, and made some changes. If you ever read this drivel when I started a few years back, you will remember that I used a black background and that the text was in white or colored font. Apparently this didn't go over well with some people, so I made the change to standard white background with black text. Although I do still like to use colored text when I am highlighting a conversation or something. I agree that it probably looks better now and is easier to read, so that's something.

I will end today's mailbag with probably one of the more creepier comments I've gotten while doing this blog. This was in response to the post titled "Historic Cleavage" that contained the picture to the right:

David writes:
Does anyone know who this woman is? I am totally in love and would fly anywhere to meet her

Wow David. Desperate much? While I can understand how someone could be smitten with a nice young lady such as the one pictured, but going as far as to solicit the internet for the young lady's whereabouts so that you may fly off to somewhere to meet her??? Wow. My advice to you is to let this nice lady remain anonymous, and go seek out a nice lady into your community that tickles your fancy. If all else fails, you can always pay a hooker $100 to dress up like colonial bar maid and yell out "The British are coming!" during an evening of cheap motel sex. That should suffice shouldn't it? It has to be better than a restraining order.

Well that wraps up today's Breathtaking and Inappropriate Mailbag. I have no doubt that there will be another mailbag in the near future, and I hope that the next one will feature people who are less creepy and sad as this one. But then again, "creepy and sad" pretty much describes a good portion of the internet - so you know - expect more of the same.

Take care all.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the library.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Criminals Of The Century

You will never figure out their identities with costumes like those.

Attempted Parenting

You might as well uncover their eyes since you'll be up there in a few minutes....

The Worst Thing From Your Childhood

That's why all of my Legos have teeth marks on them.

That Robber Knows How To Make Headlines

Always Time For Cake

Gustav! I have cake! Take a break from your coup de tat and have a piece!

You Will Never Be This Cool

You will never equal the coolness of the A-Team van pulling the General Lee. That's just GD EPIC.

Have You Tweeted Jesus?

Nope. He never tweets me back.

I Share My Maturity With Butthead

Monday, June 16, 2014

Ron Swanson Does Not Drink Clear Alcohol

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 119

The Time Mookie's Dad Went Into Sharkey's Bar To Find Him

In honor of Father's Day yesterday, I thought I'd share this one as it's one of my favorites.

Right at the beginning of my senior year of college, I had an unfortunate incident where my car was totalled (It is a long story full of mishaps - which I'm sure will be a Monday Morning story down the road). This of course caused an inconvenience to my parents because I was on their insurance, and they didn't really have the money to buy me another one. Thankfully the insurance company was stupid and offered up a settlement that was more than they should have (again...this will be detailed in a future story).

Fast-forward to a few weeks later where one of my favorite events was going to take place: "Beer Flood." The event is/was held once a semester at a local bar named "Sharkey's." The bar opened at 6AM, and for $3.75 you got an official 1-liter "Beer Flood" plastic mug that came filled with your favorite domestic tap beer. Refills were a $1.50 or $1.75. Anyone who was a hardcore "Beer Flood" fan went down to the bar at 6AM to make sure they got their mug, and commenced drinking. I learned from the earlier Beer Flood events that this was a smart move because the bar was apt to run out of mugs part way through the afternoon. The first Flood I went to - if it were not for someone who didn't want their mug - I wouldn't have gotten one.

Most people drank until their first classes in the morning, went to class semi-hammered, and then came back for the rest of the day. On this particular day, I had a class at 9AM and 10AM. It goes without saying that I went to my classes and was back at Sharkey's by 11:05. I was there ALL DAY - skipping lunch and dinner -  and just had a blast. You could talk, shoot pool, and just hang out. As the evening progressed, they fired up the dance floor, and had drinking games ("boat racing") that involved group participation.

Finally after an extensive day of drinking, I headed back to the dorms around 9PM. The first thing I encountered back at the dorm was my neighbor "Cooper*" and his girlfriend "Cindy*." They were getting ready to go rollerblading and asked me to join them. I was like "Are you serious? I'm hammered."

Once I got into my room, being the good boyfriend I was - I thought I'd phone "Megan*" and let her know I was home. She was at work, so I called her desk and tried to tell her how much fun I had that day. All she could understand was "MMHPHH PHFHYFFH PNFHFHF DDDGHJDJH Beer." Partly humored and partly annoyed - she eventually stopped me, laughed and said I should call back tomorrow when she could understand me. "UGH. FIIINE"  We cordially concluded the call and I sat there wondering what to do next.

Just as I was pondering what pizza place to phone rang. I figured it was Megan calling back because she really did want to hear of my day, but much to my surprise it wasn't her. It was MY DAD.

I quickly tried to sound as sober as I could for some reason, but I'm sure it didn't help. The conversation went pretty much like this (you can slur my sentences for effect):
M: Hello?
D: Hey you're home. We were just there looking for you.
M: Here at school? You were? Yeah I wasn't home. I was ummm...out.
D: Yeah I know. Your neighbors said you were down at Sharkey's.
M: Yeah I was. 
D: They said that if I found you that you wouldn't be in very good condition.
M: Well they were right about that. What's going on?
D: I have some insurance papers I need you to sign, so your Mom and I drove down there and I went into the bar to see if I could find you.
M: Wait. You went into Sharkey's looking for me?
D: Yep.
M: No you didn't. Nuh uh. Stop messing with me.
D: No really I did. I walked past the bouncer and came in looking for you.
M: No you didn't. Then what did you do?
D: Yeah, I went in the door and past the pool tables, around the bar and you come to a stairway that goes down to the dance floor or up to another bar and more pool tables.
D: See? I didn't see you, but ran into some kid I thought was your old roommate. He gave me a high-five and offered me a beer.
M: I can't believe you were in there.
D: I was in there maybe five minutes.
M: Well, I had to have been there because I just got home. Man I'm glad you didn't find me.

I sat there stunned on my couch for a few minutes after I got off the phone because I couldn't believe my Dad was there. Then it just made me laugh.

When I told everyone that my Dad had gone into Sharkey's, they loved it. Everyone loves my Dad anyway (affectionately referred to as "The Captain" or more simply "Cap'n"), but in their minds for some reason - this event hiked his awesomeness to another level.

To this day I don't know what I would have done if he would have found me that night. The look on my face would have been shock/horror/confusion/disbelief. I can further imagine the "proud" look on my Mom's face if Dad had led her drunken son out of the bar and out to the car to sign the insurance papers.

That would have been a Kodak moment if there ever was one.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

(*) - names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the library.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Happy Father's Day

Just know you will never be as cool as this Dad.

Bros Before Hoes

Michael Scott passes down the gospel.

Friday, June 13, 2014

That Must Have Been One Hell Of A Tornado

Arthur's Dad With A Quality Burn

Jesus That Was Some Good Chicken

Tracy Morgan Is A Pleasure

I'm going start using this.
Get well Tracy!

Unintended Good Advice


Wise Words From Michael Scott

Everyone Loves An Honest Person

I don't think he's lying either.

GroupOn Finally Has Something I Need!

What Flavor of Vitamins?

I'll Use The Next Alley


Required Friday The 13th posting...