Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween

In honor of the holiday, I present the weirdest stock footage GIF I've seen. By the 3rd time through it is hilarious.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Literary Highlights By Ron Swanson

I accidentally fired off this week's Ron Swanson pic yesterday (whoops). I didn't want a Tuesday to go by not not have Ron show up.  So consider this a bonus week!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 90

The Time Mookie Used to Prank Call Everyone In Town

The kids today have access to information and communication in ways I could never have dreamed of when I was a kid. 

  1. If you wanted to know who a particular actor was in a movie, we couldn’t Google that shit - we had to watch the movie and read the credits.
  2. If you had to write a huge paper on the Grand Canyon, we didn’t spend an hour on the Internet and have everything right in front of us – we spent a week in the library pouring over books and encyclopedias. 
  3. If you wanted to communicate with someone – there was no texting/emailing/tweeting - you either went to their house, called them on their land-line phone, or you wrote them a damned letter. 
Today, when you call someone – they INSTANTLY know who is calling. Caller ID is on everything, and if you are still using your 1990’s land-line phone -  you can still “star-69” someone to get the number of the person who called you.  

While people argue that these advancements in technology are a great thing, one thing is for certain:
They have ruined what used to be one of the best forms of entertainment ever:  Prank calls.

When I was a kid, due to the lack of “caller ID” or the “star-69” function technology - you could call ANYONE and they couldn’t do anything about it. Nada, zip, zero.  If you were a bored 12-year old in the 1980’s, this was AWESOME.

One year my parents got me my OWN PHONE for my bedroom.  Granted it wasn’t my own phone line, but still - I had a phone in my room where it didn’t take long for me to begin wreaking havoc on the community I lived in. Much to his dismay, I even recruited my life-long friend “Rick*” into helping me with various pranks. We used to just howl with laughter at the dumb shit we did, and spent (wasted) hours coming up with our shenanigans.

Because I liked to tinker with minor electronics, I even figured out a way to “bug” my own phone so that I could record the phone calls on my stereo sound system. Somewhere in my vast storage of crap at home, I think there is still a cassette tape that contains some of this damning evidence. Of course the NSA probably recorded stuff back then too, so it doesn’t matter whether I have this or destroy it. If they wanted me, they could have gotten me a long time ago.

While I’m sure we thought we were quite the little badasses, most of the prank calls we made were (more or less) harmless. Some of the highlights we can remember:

  • ·         - Opening the phonebook and just calling people and asking if they had any baseball cards they wanted to get rid of. (Rick was good at this one.  It was always old ladies who politely said they didn’t have any.)
  • ·          -Calling various people we knew from school, and impersonating someone while asking the person if they “wanted to go out with” the impersonated party. (This was sort of mean because we’d call gross people and try to line them up with other gross people)
  • ·         -Looking up funny last names in the phonebook and being obnoxious or leaving rude messages. (The last name of “Butts” is a no-brainer. They are just begging to get pranked. My other favorite was the last name “Whitehead.”  I’d ask for Mr. Blackhead, and when they said it was the “Whitehead” residence, I’d say “Oh I’m sorry, wrong zit.”)
  • ·         -We’d call certain businesses and ask them if they provide services that we knew they didn’t. (Our all-time fave call was to call up “Super Dog Grooming”* and ask if they neutered dogs. Hilarity depended on the person who answered.)
  • ·         -Annual phone calls to the Jehovah’s Witness church. (“Merry Christmas to you and yours!”)

We got even more retarded about it, and took the phone-calling fun out into public.  There was a pay-phone down on main street in front of one of the pharmacies - and I got the number. The typical plan would involve me riding my bike downtown and making sure I was in the vicinity of the phone at a certain time.  At the pre-determined time (we “synchronized” our watches) Rick would call the phone and I’d watch as people would walk by looking at the ringing phone – but no one would ever answer it.  Then I would unassumingly walk up, answer the phone and begin to have a conversation with the caller as people strangely looked on. Again – totally retarded but very funny.  This is also an example of things you can’t do – you can’t call payphones anymore either.

So kids, let me tell you.  You don’t know what you are missing out on by having all of this technology at your fingertips.  It is harder today to remain anonymous than it was to get popular 30 years ago. Today, everyone wants everyone to know who they are, and what they are doing via their Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/LinkedIn/Snapchat feeds. Because of the Internet and all of its various search tools - it is virtually impossible to have any sort of anonymity with anything we do.

In my day, we could be anonymous – and we liked it.  I kind of miss that.

(*) Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the 

Ron Swanson Has A Will

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Monday, October 21, 2013

Best Wedding Ever

Camera/Dress trickery or nudity?  Shhh....don't tell me....just let me be...

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 89

The Time Mookie And Gang Had A Hole-In-One Party For Russ

One day I was at home minding my own business when I received a phone call from a very excitable group of my friends ("Rick,"* "Russ,"* and "Junior"*):
"MOOKIE!  We're having a party tonight!  Russ got a hole-in-one playing golf today!"

Needless to say, they had me at the word "party." The plans quickly fell into place and were as follows:
Location:  Casa de Russ.  His Mom was out of town at her boyfriend's ("Jerr-ino"*), so that was easy enough.
Food:  Brats on the grill, chips, and of course - beer.
Entertainment:  Come what may....

The only hurdle to our impromptu event was actually getting some beer. We were all underage at the time, so we quickly put together a list of possible "candidates" we could approach for help. Failure here was not an option because it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a proper hole-in-one party without beer. You just can't do it.

I don't recall how it came to be, but Rick asked his older sister "Karen"* if she would buy us beer.  It was a somewhat risky move - we had never used her as a source before, and if for some reason she was pissed at Rick, she could easily say "no" and tell Rick's parents about it. However, she surprisingly offered to help out. In return for her graciousness and contribution to our delinquency - we invited her to join us as well.

In quick order - Russ, Rick and Karen went to the grocery store, picked up a mess of bratwurst, buns, chips, and a couple cases of Milwaukee's Best Light (I must note here that Russ - bitterly - ended up paying for the entire grocery purchase - beer and everything. To this day he still brings up the fact he had to fund the entire party for HIS hole-in-one.)

We all converged on Russ' house at the pre-determined time and let the party begin.  The sound system was cranked, the grill was cooking, and the beer - my God the beer tasted lovely.  Russ of course was in a good mood after his golfing feat, and seemed to be having a good time hosting the BBQ with his pals.  After 3 or 4 beers though, he started talking trash and said something about "getting up on the roof" and continuing the party there.  We all laughed and didn't think anything of it, but we should have known better.....

As the sun went down we kept the music cranked (probably much to the neighborhood's dismay), the beer continued to flow, and laughs were had by all. This is of course until we realized that Russ was no where to be found.  "WHERE THE EFF IS RUSS?"

It was then that we noticed a 6-ft ladder out on the deck next to the eaves of the house. Oh shit.

We drank on the roof WAY
before Homer Simpson did.
Sure enough, sitting up on the peak of the roof in the dark - grinning like a jackass - was Russ.  So we did what any rational people would do in that situation:  we joined him.  We all grabbed handfuls of beer out of the fridge and made our way up the ladder and onto the roof of the house.  It wasn't a terribly steep roof, but probably wasn't the smartest move for a bunch of people who were knee-deep in cheap beer to be up there - in the dark no less.  Not to be outdone by her younger party-goers, Karen even got up on the roof with us too.  More beer was drank, photos were taken (yes...there are photos...but I can't show them due to confidentiality agreements), and finally we all decided we "should" probably get down before we fell down.  Somehow we all made it back down without falling - or even spilling our beers, so that is saying something.

A little while after we were inside, there was knock on the door. As we weren't expecting anyone else, the first thing we thought of was that it was the cops. Russ answered the door and pleasantly found several ladies from his class at school wanting to join the party.They all had been at the house of a mutual friend about a block away, and saw/heard the party rocking at Russ's place. With the house now flowing with people, everyone stood around and talked/laughed with each other until it became apparent that a few of the new party guests and Russ were absent (again). "WHERE THE EFF IS RUSS?"

Sure enough, Russ decided to invite several of his new party guests up onto the roof and let them enjoy the ambiance of sitting on shingles while drinking cheap beer.  After 10-15 minutes though, we were finally were able to coax them all the roof and back into the house. Again - thankfully no one fell (or spilled their beer).

As it neared midnight, the party began to wind down and the guests started to depart. By this time, Russ's face was bright red (a common thing when Russ drank) and he was slowly going down hill. It wasn't long before he was laying on his side on the floor, and more or less passed out while the rest of us sat there drinking our beers. When the rest of us decided to depart, we tried to stir Russ to get him off the floor but he was less-than-coherent - so we left him there - lights on and everything. The only thing we did was to make sure he was laying on his side so in case he threw up in his sleep he didn't drown in his own vomit and die (we were thoughtful that way).

The next day Russ tried to give us hell for "ditching" him and leaving him on the floor. He said:
"I woke up in the middle of the night and all you f*ckers were gone."
We explained to him that we tried to wake him up a few times but the only responses we got from his drunk ass were grunts and moans. In "classic Russ" fashion, he just smiled and said "Really? I don't remember any of that."

To this day - whenever I go by that house -  I always remember that one night - sitting up on that roof and drinking beer with the boys. It was a classic good time.

* - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Click  - HERE - to catch up!!

Friday, October 18, 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!

As I have mentioned - October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Ladies:  Check yourself.  Get your regular mammograms. It might just save your life.
Men: Tell the ladies to check themselves and schedule their regular mammogram appointments.

Given the look on this guy's face, I'm pretty sure he's going to tell her she needs to do a breast exam.

Yes I'm being a perv, but I'm serious....get yourself checked out.


In what amounts to a comment of "Its about time!" the rock bank KISS was finally nominated for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame today.  Will they get in?  Its hard to say, but at least they got nominated after rocking the world for 35+ years and have been generally snubbed every year.  While they are admittedly not the greatest musicians ever, there is no denying the fact that when KISS comes to your town to put on a show - You are going to get one hell of a show.

What I will be most curious to see (if they are selected to join the Hall that is...) is if all the original members will play together one more time.  THAT would be awesome.

What is Mookie Listening To?

Whether I'm sitting at work or in the car, there is a good chance I have some music going.  Odds are also good it is louder than it should be, especially if I have my ear buds in at work.  I often find something I haven't listened to in awhile and just think it is awesome for a week or so.  Then after a week I get tired of it and don't listen to it again for a long time.  Then the cycle repeats itself naturally.

So today,
 "What is Mookie Listening To?"

Well let me tell you!

Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band:  "Ultimate Hits - Rock and Roll Never Forgets."  Holy crap this CD is excellent.  I've always liked Bob Seger's music, but I usually don't think about it as a "whole" too much.  This 2-disc piece of awesomeness is great.  I can't even list all the songs because there are so many good ones on here.  The primary hits (Old Time Rock and Roll, Turn the Page, Night Moves, Katmandu, Mainstreet, Like a Rock, We've Got Tonight, and Against the Wind) are here, as well as a few other nuggets you may have forgotten Seger did (Shakedown, Her Strut, and Hollywood Nights).

I had the song "Shakedown" on repeat all the way to work one day.  Its awesome.  The song "We've Got Tonight" makes me wish I could play the piano and sing (I can't do either).

Why Should You Listen To It?  It is just a nice selection of "feel good" music and I would argue that you could probably remember a point in time in your life when you heard these songs.  It's just good classic music.

Classic Michael Scott

The new fall TV season is already upon us, and I still miss Michael Scott on "The Office."

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Seems Like A Solid Answer To Me

I'm guessing Trebek doesn't think so.

Now That Was A Caffeine Rush

If I would have taken Adderall too - I would have broken the sound barrier.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

Ladies - No matter how big or small they are...check your breasts and make sure you keep yourself healthy.
That way us guys can keep checking them out!
(Yes I'm being a perv, but seriously...check yourself out.)

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 88

The Time Mookie Got His Hair Colored In A Bathroom At Work

This one goes back several years when my wife and I both worked for the same employer. One particular evening, my wife decided she was going to put “highlights” in her hair.  When she finished administering the mix to her own head, she asked if I wanted highlights because she had "plenty left over." Initially I said no, but after she asked me a few more times - I finally said yes.

I sat there calmly as my wife painted the cold and smelly mixture onto my hair with some sort of special applicator that created the highlights effect. Finally, after the mixture was added to my head and we waited the appropriate amount of time, it was time to rinse and dry my hair.
Rinse, rinse, rinse.  Dry, dry, dry.  Then I looked in the mirror.
This is what I pictured when I looked at my hair.

My wife stifled a laugh as I looked and quickly noticed I did NOT have highlights. I had blotches. They were all over my head, and made me look like a god-damned giraffe.  She tried to reassure me by saying it didn't "look that bad," and somewhat commiserated with me because hers also didn't turn out well either. I laughed a bit, and somewhat convinced myself it wasn't "that horrible" and we went to bed.

I woke up the next morning to get ready for work and found my wife blow drying her hair in the bathroom with a slight grin on her face. When I looked at her - I quickly noticed all of her hair was all the same shade of brown - and not full of odd highlights. "YOU RE-DYED YOUR HAIR!"

She said she had an extra box of brown hair dye in the cupboard, so she fixed it quick before she got ready.  She told me we could pick up a box of my hair color that day, and fix mine when we got home. That was great and everything...except I still had to go to work. Again, I attempted to convince myself it wasn't that bad and went to work.

Regardless of what I was trying to tell myself, I knew people would ask questions about my funny looking hair - so I made the most direct and quietest arrival to my desk. Once I got settled, I received a phone call from my soon-to-be-new manager.  I had just accepted a new position in the group and would be working a whole new team of people I didn't really know. She said she was having a team meeting that morning at 10, and wondered if I would like to join them and meet the group. "Yeah. Sure."  Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I did NOT want my first impression on my new group to be that of the giraffe-haired d-bag, so I had to do something - now.  I called my wife at her desk and I tell her of the current predicament. The conversation went something similar to as follows:
Wife: Hi.
Me: Hey.
Wife: What's up?
Me: Um, I was just invited to my soon-to-be-new team's team meeting at 10.
Wife: Ohh no. 
Me: Yeah.
Wife:  Ok, I can fix it. I will walk down to the drug store and get some hair dye and be right back. Meet me at the bathrooms in the basement in 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes later, we discreetly slipped into the ladies bathroom in the basement of the building, and she went to work returning my hair to its regular (or as regular as you can get with a box of dye) color. We knew that bathroom was not a heavy traffic destination, so we didn't feel too bad about occupying it for 20-30 minutes while we restored my hair to its regular luster.

Color, color, color. Rinse, rinse, rinse. Dry, dry, dry.  Result: Not too bad.  At least I didn't look like a giraffe-ophile.  The next step: A husband and wife discreetly trying to leave the ladies bathroom without being seen. Result:  FAILURE.  My wife quickly exited first, and said it was all clear. Just as soon as I started to exit the bathroom, a girl I vaguely know - and sits on my floor upstairs - comes walking around the corner. She gives us an odd embarrassed look, and continues on her way. My wife and I look at each other and laugh, knowing that this girl probably thought we were banging in the basement bathroom at work. While this is funny - it is the last thing I need people talking about at my work.

In an attempt to squelch this story from the get-go, I found the girl as soon as I could and explained to her what happened. She acted very weird and embarrassed about the whole thing at first, but eventually she did laugh (even somewhat relieved) and thought the whole thing was rather funny.

After all of that - as you can imagine, I told my wife that was the "last time" she ever dyed my hair.
It goes without saying though - it wasn't the last time.  What can I say...I'm a pushover.

At least I never looked like a giraffe again though.
And in hindsight - We totally should have had sex in that bathroom.

Miss a previous episode?
Click HERE to catch up!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Things Have Escalated In "Elmo's World"

Mr. Noodle better watch out or I'll bet he gets an ass-beating the next time he screws up.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Family That Prays Together..

Will Also Shoot Your Ass If You Get Near Their Porch.

What. The. Hell.
Apparently these folks take their Bible Scripture and Second Amendment - Constitutional interpretations pretty seriously.  However in my Bible readings back in Sunday School.....I don't ever recall reading about the Disciples "packing heat."  Must be that new King James version I've been hearing about.....

A "Must-Read" For All Soon-To-Be-Parents

The Best School Mascot Naming EVER

Def Leppard!!!!
I bet they play "Pour Some Sugar On Me" at every half-time performance.

Monday, October 07, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 87

The Time Mookie Worked Third Shift Stocking Shelves (Part III)

Yes happy readers, its time once again for me to share some fine tales from my third shift shelf stocking gig at a local retail store.  In case you missed the first two episodes, they can be found HERE and HERE.

Ok let's get to it.  We are going to start with the "Carnie Kid."
Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know.
Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

I was working one night with "Kyle (*)" stocking the shampoo aisle when the topic of one of our very odd co-employees came up.  His name was "Nate (*)."  Nate was a nice enough guy, but there was something about him I just couldn't put my finger on.  He talked really fast, and did a "twitch" thing with his head like you do if you think there is a bug swarming you.  There was no bug - well at least I never saw any.  Anyway, we were discussing Nate because he had recently dyed his hair black, and shaved it all up on the sides and the back.  It was just the most f'd up hairdo ever.  Then Kyle goes: "Well you know Nate is a "carnie" don't you?"  I stopped stocking the item I was shelving, and said "Nuh Uh. Seriously?" I thought for a moment, and asked aloud "I wonder how someone goes about getting into that line of work?"  Kyle's reply was "I promise you will have the answer by the end of the night."  Oh God.
The guys you entrust to put your kids safely on their
rickety rides.

About a half-hour later, Kyle spies Nate up the aisle and goes "Nate come here!  I want to ask you something."  I look at Nate like "Ohh nooo."  Nate shows up and Kyle starts making chit-chat at him, and then lets it out: "You have worked for carnivals haven't you?"  To which Nate is all "Me? Oh yeah I do it every so often when I'm looking for work."  With the straightest face ever, Kyle asks "How do you go about getting a job with a carnival?"  Nate doesn't blink, and goes into an explanation of knowing "a guy who knows a guy" who knows when certain carnivals come to town that they need help.  That was as much of an answer as I needed.  Poor Kyle got "let go" from our third shift gig not too long ago due to his lack of punctuality. I'm sorry to say you might see him at your nearest carnival.

Our next tale is about a fun game we played on the truck one night as we unloaded it.  Given the topic matter, I can't believe I didn't come up with it.  One of the Team Leaders "Sam (*)" was pushing the boxes down the line while me and another guy were grabbing the boxes and putting them on the line. The line (a track of rollers) then runs down into the store's receiving area where the boxes are put on pallets according to the markings on the boxes.  One of the boxes was leaking something and Sam said something to the fact that it was "oozing."  The other guy throwing boxes with me goes "I've got a game we can play!  Let's play "Things Said On The Truck That Sound Like Things That Could Be Said At Sam's Mom's House."  I'm not going to say what was said.....oh hell who am I kidding...of course I will!  It was things like:

Man this box is big.
This box is leaking.
Man that smells.
Why would you put something that heavy on top?
Wow this is slippery.
How did they get that in here?
It's hot in here tonight.
What's a guy have to do to get some water up in here?
Someone needs to sweep this out.

It got a lot worse - and funnier - but I'll let your imagination create your own jokes. I do have to say that poor Sam took the game like a sport and didn't even get mad. He even cracked a few jokes as well.

Then of course we have "Sally (*)".  Ms. Sally had worked for this company for so long, she couldn't even get a raise anymore. She was at the top end of the pay scale for her position, and they wouldn't move her up. Sally in my opinion is clinically retarded, but I could be wrong. One day, Sally up and decides she is going to "retire." She was very much of the retirement age, but the whole idea behind it is that she wanted to get her hands on her 401k.  Everyone joked that she would gamble it all away and have to come back to work again since she frequented the casinos a lot.  Well sure enough, she came back 4 months later.  No word if she gambled it all away or if she needed it for something else.  I'm surprised they hired her back to be honest with you.

It wouldn't be a quality "third shift" story if I didn't mention old "Larry" again. Larry is the guy that is 100% deaf, and unintentionally does his part to make me look like a jackass due to his hearing impairment.  I thought I would be able to make it to the next third shift update without having a situation with Larry, but since I've worked several overnight shifts during the week, sure enough our paths crossed and idiocy ensued.  One night I was pulling a pallet of dog food and kitty litter that weighed no less than 1000 pounds towards the receiving area, and just as I am getting ready to round the corner into the receiving area - here comes Larry.  He's got his head down (pulling his own pallet) and in no way sees OR CAN HEAR ME.  If I don't do something, he and I are going to crash into one another as he is taking up the whole damn aisle.  If I do something, odds are good I'm going to dump pet food everywhere. I opt for Larry's safety and immediately put everything I have into the pallet jack to stop its forward momentum and somehow turn a corner at the last minute.  In doing so, predictably - one entire side of my pallet goes rolling to the floor as I swung the corner. Bags of dog/cat food are everywhere, but thankfully none of them broke open. So now I'm standing there looking like a jackass with my capsized pallet of pet food.  I look up in time to see stupid Larry walk past - totally oblivious to the chaos his deaf ass has helped contribute to.  I just shook my head in disbelief and began re-stacking the fallen 30-40 lb bags of pet food. Just as I'm about finishing up, Larry happened to come back past me on his way to receiving again.  He looked at me and made a face that said something like "nice going dummy."

God damn you Larry.  I should have hit you.

(*)  - Names changed to protect the guilty and the innocent

Miss a previous episode?  Click here to catch up!!