Monday, December 29, 2014

Internet Ad You'd Like To See

Gives New Meaning To The Term "Rape Van"

Best News Story Of The Day

That staff of geniuses at Huffpost really dug deep for this journalistic piece of gold....
This news clip has all the elements for a good story: romance, violence and laughter. Stay classy Pennsylvania.

Teasing Over Vaginal Flatulence On School Bus Leads To Groin Attack

A 13-year-old male high school student was teasing an 18-year-old girl about her vaginal flatulence before being struck in his testicles, police said.
The Jan. 17 incident, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun, occurred on a school bus that was traveling in Sugarcreek Township. The small Pennsylvania community is located about 50 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.
“The accused expelled wind from the vulva during coitus while at the back of the bus,” state police trooper Brad Jordan wrote in his report.
“The victim began to laugh and chuckled at the accused for her actions,” the trooper continued. “The accused approached the victim and elbowed him in the testicles.”
The girl was ultimately cited for harassment. No word yet on whether school officials plan to discipline the girl for allegedly having sex in the school bus.
According to The Smoking Gun, Jordan’s first report was released to the media, much to the chagrin of his superiors. Their dismay allegedly prompted him to release a second one, which refrained from detailing the boys chiding of his classmate over her alleged bodily functions.

Monday Mornings

Thursday, December 25, 2014

This Is Every Dog On Christmas

Yes this is a re-post, but it's one of my favorites.

Merry Christmas From Breathtaking and Inappropriate

On this festive day, remember that the Three Wise Men brought the Baby Jesus some gifts...

Monday, December 22, 2014

Fun With Stock Photos

It's For Your Gums

Yep. Sure it is.

The Perfect Jewelry For That Special Someone

Darth Vader Has No Time For The Elf On The Shelf

That Should Be Enough Vodka

In the spirit of everyone having holiday parties at their work, I am sharing this golden Michael Scott moment.

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie

I don't have much to share today, but I didn't want to leave you empty handed on this Monday before Christmas either.  Therefore, I give you Nick Offerman telling his version of "Twas The Night Before Christmas" that he recently shared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 137

The Time Mookie Watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

Once again it’s Christmas time, and that naturally means we are subjected to an onslaught of horrible Christmas-themed programming on your TV.  Did I just say horrible? Yes. I. Did.  There are MAYBE three or four shows that can even be considered enjoyable, while the rest of the lot are just God-awful and terrible.  The really sad part is that the shows that were created in the last 5 years are the ones that totally suck.  You would think something newer would be better…..yeah not so much.  Have you seen that “Elf on the Shelf” one?  Lawdy.

Of all the Christmas-themed TV programming we are subjected to this time of year, my hands-down favorite is “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure why I like this show or the Peanuts in general.  If you sit down and really watch any of the Charlie Brown/Peanuts holiday specials, you can’t help but notice how NASTY all of these kids are.  They are pure assholes to one another, and they are always ESPECIALLY harsh towards Charlie Brown.  During the 25 minute Christmas special, ole Chuck is called “stupid,” “hopeless,” “dumb,” “blockhead,” and is even “boo-ed” by his own dog Snoopy.  Other than being a bit socially awkward and bald, I don’t see why he is such a target for their vitriol.  It goes without saying that their years of abuse have taken a toll on the boy and he has the self-esteem of a gnat.  In fact you could argue he's become somewhat of a little bitch, but who wouldn't be in a case like his?  

I think that's why I like this show though, because for as much shit as he takes: Charlie Brown never gives up. No matter what anyone says about him or what he's doing in any of these Peanuts specials, he is still trying.  He's still trying to kick that football, he's still trying to pitch his baseball team to victory, and he's still trying to get that little red haired girl to like him.  On this particular day though, all this poor kid is trying to do is be positive and spread a little Christmas spirit in his seemingly commercialized community. Unfortunately for him all anyone can do is pick out everything he does wrong and tell him so.  Thankfully his friend Linus is there to lend him a sympathetic ear and some advice when he needs it, which you have to admit is probably the only thing that keeps Charlie Brown from going all Columbine on these kids.  

Without fail, almost all Christmas shows have the three following elements:
  • A character or group of characters who are selfish.
  • After being selfish, they are guilt-tripped into learning the true meaning of Christmas; and
  • They make up for the selfish wrongs they have committed, and everyone is happy.

The Charlie Brown Special nails every one of these elements.  With the exception of Charlie Brown, Linus, and maybe Pigpen.... every other kid in this show is a selfish little douche bag.  They are looking out for themselves and themselves only.  When Charlie Brown is trying to direct them while practicing for the Christmas play, they all up and decide to do whatever it is they want to do. 
- Schroeder sits all pretentious at his kindergarten piano and continually plays anything but Christmas music while everyone around him dances. 
- Lucy is a major bitch and continually assumes control over the play's various tasks, and begins ordering ole Chuck around. Eventually she convinces Chuck to leave the rehearsal and go out and get a Christmas tree for the play.  Naturally, he totally f*cks up and gets something no one likes - especially Lucy.

After numerous attempts at trying to rein in the chaos, and then getting ripped over his choice of tree he totally loses it.  He finally comes to his wit's end and instead of murdering everyone, Charlie SCREAMS out:  "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" That's when his pal F'n Linus takes center stage, demands a god damned spotlight and recites the following passage from the Book of  Luke, Chapter 2, Verses 8 through 14:
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their
flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown
round about them. And they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for
behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day
in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall
find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, goodwill toward men.”

After finishing his speech, he swaggers up to Charlie Brown carrying his blanket and shit and says in front of everyone:  "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Chuck leaves utterly distraught at what all the kids have emotionally done to him and his play. In the end, the kids all finally wise up, go find Charlie Brown's Christmas tree they made fun of and decorate it (of course by saying "decorate it," I mean waving their arms in unison over the tree till it is miraculously decorated).  When Charlie finds them all standing around his pretty tree, they all wish him "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown!  Of course the show ends and everything is right with the world again.

But like I said before, Charlie Brown is about as down-and-out as a kid can get, but that bald-headed bastard keeps coming back and sticking to his guns to get stuff done.  You have to admire that kind of tenacity, because it is a rare thing in this world.  Then again, those kids might be right and he really is a blockhead.  I choose to think he's got it going on though.

He has it figured out so much that I truly believe that one day that little red-haired-girl he has admired from afar will finally see C.B. for who he is - and she will flash her cans at him.  God willing Charlie Brown….she will.  And they will be spectacular.