Monday, September 22, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 129

The Time Mookie Heard Someone Talking On The Phone In The Bathroom

I'm not normally one to write stories about legitimate "bathroom humor," but this one deserves the attention I am giving it because it was HILARIOUS.

I entered the bathroom at work one day to take care of some personal matters, and found that two of the three stalls were occupied. The open stall happened to be a handicap-accessible stall, but given the fact that my personal business was somewhat urgent - I entered the stall and began to do my thing. It was then that I heard it:  The guy in Stall #1 started talking.

At first I wondered if it was someone at the urinals talking, but I didn't see anyone when I came in. The person kept talking - in a foreign Asian-sounding language no less - and the talking would stop and start again as though the person was in a conversation. I became certain that the guy was talking on a cell phone.

I'm a guy who is a firm believer in "multi-tasking," but you DO NOT talk to someone on the phone while you are taking a dump in an office bathroom. You just don't. What you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but to do this at work is a COMPLETELY different situation. It is uncomfortable for the others in the bathroom, and it can't be pleasant for the person on the other end of the phone to know what the caller (and any other bathroom visitor) is doing. Plus this is a 3 toilet, 3 urinal, and 3 sink bathroom with steel stall dividers and tiled floors and walls. There is nothing to absorb any of the sounds, and things tend to "echo" if you catch my drift. There is no way to disguise where you are when bodily sounds are made and toilets are flushing. You just can't.

As I was sitting there thinking to myself that I couldn't believe that guy was doing that, the guy next to me in Stall #2 must have decided that he didn't care much for the guy on the phone either (or he just couldn't hold it any longer) because he FARTED. LOUDLY.

I mean he just seriously UNLOADED. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud because it was just awesome. Once the sound had dissipated, I could still hear the guy talking on the phone. I was thinking "OH MY GAWD HE'S STILL TALKING. How did that not shame him into hanging up immediately?" The guy in Stall #2  then fired a second shot. BBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNTTTT.

While it was not as epic as the first, it was still impressive nevertheless. It also made me wonder what the hell he had eaten to produce that kind of outburst. This time you could tell the guy in Stall #2 was doing it on purpose though, because there was definite effort involved. Amazingly the guy in Stall #1 seemed to continue his conversation. Just then someone else came into the bathroom and proceeded to the urinals. As that person was taking care of their business, I could still hear the Asian guy on the phone. The guy at the urinals must have not cared for the "cell phone talking crapper guy" either, because THAT guy let a fart go himself. BUUURRRNNNNT.

While yes this entire display was kind of gross, I do have to say that it was totally excused due to its location and the fact that it was sweet epic justice.

It wasn't long after that I heard the guy in Stall #1 stop talking. I then heard him finish up, wash his hands and expediously leave the bathroom. I followed shortly thereafter while the true hero of our story, the guy in Stall #2 remained behind to finish his gastro-intestinal business. It was incredibly hard not to go back to my desk and share this entertaining story, but I held it in. I opted to keep my gross bathroom stories to myself - Till now anyway.

I hope the guy in Stall #1 learned a valuable lesson that day, and will never talk on the phone in a bathroom stall again. Let this be a lesson to you too my dear readers of Mookie's Monday Morning Story. However if you choose to do otherwise, I hope the guy in Stall #2 is there to shut you down with complete reckless abandon.

Have a good Monday everyone.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the library and catch up.

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