Monday, April 22, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 65

The Time Mookie Saw "Thomas And Friends - Live"

As most parents know, the moment you have a child is effectively when your basic wants/needs in life become a secondary thing  (They may even fall further down the list depending on your situation).  Sleep?  You wish.  Going to the bathroom?  Well, you probably can but don't expect to do it alone.  You should probably plan on the little boogers barging in without warning, especially if they didn't let you get 2 feet from their side to begin with.  Sex?  Good luck with that.  Its like they subconsciously "know" something is going to happen in Mom and Dad's bedroom, and they need to do something to mess that shit up.  "Wow I must not have done enough today to extinguish Mom and Dad's mood and libido.  I better go throw up on the dog."

Then of course you can forget about listening to the music you want to listen to while riding in your car.  Van Halen?  Kiss?  Yeah right.  Its going to be some crap-ass CD of eight-year-olds singing "The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round."  And you KNOW they will need to hear it all again as soon as it's over.  After about the third time, you are ready to swerve into oncoming traffic just to end the misery of it all.  "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THE WIPERS GO 'SWISH-SWISH-SWISH!!! AHHHHHH!"  The really sad part is that after awhile, you get to the point where you actually have a "favorite" song when listening to this crap.  Its hard to look at yourself in the mirror for a few days after you admit this fact.

The same goes for TV.  You never get to watch your shows because they are watching an endless loop of painful cartoons and character videos like Dora, Diego, Thomas, Clifford, Teletubbies, Care Bears, and that bald whiny-bitch Caillou.  While these shows supposedly serve to teach your kids good manners and how to care about one another, they also serve to take YOUR MONEY.

They do this by creating 101 different products with the characters on them so the kids will HAVE to have them.  All of these videos, toothbrushes, clothing, and endless amount of toys will fill your home and empty your wallet before you even know it.  Then if you really are glutton for punishment, there are the LIVE-ACTION shows your kids will want you to take them to.

You know what I'm talking about.  Things like Sesame Street Live, Dora the Explorer Live, The Wiggles, and all that other kind of shtick.  My wife and I are guilty of taking our own kids to see this crap.  While we do so in the name of trying to be good parents and bringing joy and happiness to the kid's life, it has been at the sake of our sanity and self-respect.  Having said that, I admit that not all of them have been terrible (much like the terrible kid-songs you like more than the others).  HOWEVER.  There was one that was SO BAD, and SO TERRIBLE that it was torture.  That show was "Thomas and Friends - Live."

When we went to see this shit-storm of a performance, we already had several live-action kid shows under our belts so we sort of knew how these things worked.  Here is a sample of what we have seen:

Care Bears Live - Tolerable but stupid.

Dora the Explorer Live - It wasn't bad, but it was painful watching an adult dressed as Dora doing the loud "Dora-talk," and asking all of her patronizing questions.  I couldn't help but picture her drunk after the show, still in her costume, and talking like Dora to other cast members: "Do you know what I'll do for $50?"

ElastiGirl's other superpower:
Dat Ass
Sesame Street Live - You can't beat Cookie Monster live.

Disney on Ice - The show we saw featured "The Incredibles," so I had high hopes. Sadly it was just "okay," but I do have to say that "ElastiGirl" sure can fill out a pair of tights though.  Daaamn.

The Doodlebops - This one was "okay" as far as kid shows go, but I remember sitting in approximately the same spot in the same venue where I saw Kiss.  I had gone from seeing fire-spitting demons and topless female fans to 3 weirdos dressed in bright colors and face paint.  It was sad how far I had fallen.

When my wife told me about the "Thomas" show, I begrudging said I would go.  My son was a huge Thomas the Tank Engine fan so I knew he would enjoy it.  I just hoped his enjoyment would be enough to make the show worthwhile and enjoyable for myself.  As it turned out, nothing could have made this show worthwhile.

We arrived at the venue and quickly found our way through all the other families  to our seats.  My wife had scored us some primo seats to this gig - we were like fourth-row on the floor right in front of the stage.  These were the kind of seats you would kill for if you were seeing your favorite musical artist or band.  As we are sitting there waiting for the show to start, I remember having an overwhelming sense of dread of what was going to happen, but wasn't totally sure why.  Finally the show started, and immediately you could tell it was just a pile of SHIT.  I can't even tell you what it was.  Seriously.  All I know is I looked over at my wife less than a minute after it started and we both exchanged looks of horror and confusion.

The main character of course was Thomas the Tank Engine, but HOW do you make a TRAIN entertaining in a live-action setting?  The answer:  You don't.  The problem here is that Thomas and his other train buddies were PROPS.  They were essentially half-assed looking trains that interacted with the crowd and the actors on-stage with a voice-over track.  The trains would occasionally move - as they were pushed around the stage by hidden people - but that was all they did.  The actors that were on stage were horrible.  In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised by this because really - what kind of actors would sign up for this crap?  Not good ones, that's for sure.
"Settle down everyone!  This is going TO SUCK!"

The show was divided into two-parts and had an intermission between the two.  We wanted to leave at the intermission but knew our son would not want to miss the rest of the show.  Somehow, he was entertained but I don't know why.

When we took our seats for the 2nd part, I had a minor hope for some reason that maybe the 2nd part wouldn't be as bad as the first.  I shouldn't have to tell you that it was just as horrible and painful.  Truthfully, I can't tell you anything about the show at all.  I don't remember it except for the fact it was horrible, stupid, and a goddamn waste of money.  Perhaps my subconscious has blocked it out for my own sanity - I don't know.

What I do know is this:  DO NOT GO SEE THIS SHOW. No matter how much your kids beg.  No matter how much your spouse may tell you how good of an idea it is.  Avoid this show at all costs.  Please listen to me.  This show is STILL OUT THERE.  It will harm you.

I've suffered so you don't have to.

You're welcome.

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