Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 26

The Time Mookie Told "Your Mom" Jokes And Almost Got Hit

Anyone that knows me knows I love "YOUR MOM" jokes.  Love them, love them, love them.  When all else fails, it is my "go-to" comment for almost any occasion.  I think they are funny.  Inappropriate?  Oh totally.  There is no appropriateness about my comments regarding a person's Mom.  Immature?  Again, yeah totally.  Due to this, over the years I have eased up on my comments in most social circles and now will only do them with close friends who know I'm just messing with them.  Another issue with me telling "your mom" jokes these days is that since I am getting older, the chances of me making a "your mom" joke to someone who's Mom may have died are getting higher.  So I have to be more careful, which is bad for my sense of humor, but good for society I guess.  So never let it be said I'm not sacrificing something for the good of humanity.

Most of my "Your Mom" jokes consist of one solid theme:  Your mom is a whore.  97% of the time, I'm sure the target's Mom is in NO way anywhere close to a whore.  Not at all.  That's what makes it funny.  People have been known to throw the jokes back at me, making fun of my Mom and saying not-so-nice things. They aren't true, so they don't upset me.  However some people are very defensive about their mothers, which I get to an extent.  Odds are good your Mom raised you, took care of you, and that whole thing.  You love your Mom.  I get that.  So when I call their Mom a whore, I can sort of see why some people could get upset.  But its a joke people.  Hell, half the time my Mom jokes don't even make sense.

My problem though, is that when someone feels the need to "defend their mother," that is usually when things get out of hand.  Why?  Because these people KEEP setting me up for another joke!  If they would just keep their damn mouth shut, I wouldn't have anything to keep making fun of.  I just can't help myself when they do this.  Which brings me to the story.

One night, I was out with "the boys" in Cedar Falls.  It was my supposed "bachelor party," and it entailed  hitting every bar there like we used to in our college days.  The night was tame by any standard, and just served to get me good and drunk at my friends' request.  I willingly obliged.

We started out at the hotel my friend "Rick*" worked at, and proceeded to The Hill and all the college bars I used to frequent.  Beers, shots, and laughs were had by all.  It was a fun time.  Finally at some point of the night, we poured ourselves out of Sharky's and onto the sidewalk/street out front.  While standing there waiting for the rest of our party to follow us out, we stood around watching people and reminisced about the riots I often wanted to start after the bars let out.  All of a sudden a young man - let's call him "Randy*"- appeared to me and wanted to ask me a question:

"Are you "Lainie's*" brother?" ( Lainie is my sister.)  "Yeah." I replied back.  I recognized him as someone from my hometown, and may have been in one of my sisters' graduating class.  He then proceeded to say something else (I don't remember what), to which I replied "So's your Mom."

Here we go.

Randy is about 6 inches shorter than me, however he was in good shape - but nothing to be overly concerned about.  He is sporting a baseball hat that is pulled down to his eyes, and the bill is curved so sharply it is like looking into a tunnel when I talk to him.  He looks like your typical frat-boy douche wannabe.

He turns to face me with the bill of his hat about poking me in the chin and says  "What did you say?  Nobody talks about my Mom."

I say very matter-of-factly with my smart ass smile:  "Bud, EVERYONE talks about YOUR Mom."

This of course gets a good laugh from the on-lookers (two of Randy's friends are there, while there is like 8 of mine), and Randy is not about to lose face in front of his boys.  So he somehow gets closer in my face to try and intimidate me.  I am not intimidated.

Randy:  "You leave her alone."
Mookie:  "That's not what she said last night."

Randy:  "You better be quiet about my Mom!"
Mookie: "Why?  Your Mom can't be quiet.  You should have heard her last night."

My friend Rick steps into the picture, and tries to defuse the situation as he thinks Randy may step up the situation with violence.  While he is laughing, he says "Now guys, let's break it up. Come on."  Randy is still quite up in my grill, and I am just casually standing there smiling.

Randy says "You better tell him to shut up about my Mom!"  Rick looks at me and already knows I am coming back with a "mom" comment and tries to stop me.  "Mooookie."

"Bud, no one can shut up about your Mom!"

Finally Randy backs off a bit, and Rick tells him "Bud, he likes 'your mom' jokes.  You're drunk and he's messing with you.  Its nothing personal.  Just keep walking."  Randy finally backs away and starts walking up the street with his buddies, but continues looking back in a menacing manner.  I can't let him go without one more comment, so I say: "Tell your Mom hi for me."

He looked like he wanted to come back and swing at me, but he didn't and continued on into the night.  Rick turns to me and goes "Gawddammit Mookie."  To which I smile and say: "What?"

Rick:  "You need to shut your mouth."
Mookie:  "That's not what I told your Mom last night."

Ohh good times.  I am lucky that Randy didn't take a swing at me, but because I had like 8 people with me he probably thought better of that.  So Randy, I'm sorry if you were offended by my "your mom" comments all those years ago.  I hope you can forgive me.  You should know your Mom forgave me.  She forgave the hell out of me.  Boom.

* - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.