Monday, May 18, 2015

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 147

The Time Mookie Had A Run-In With Some Geese

Ladies and gentlemen. There are some things in this world that you should never ever ever mess with. One of those things are geese.  Do not…..I repeat…..DO NOT mess with geese.  They are greasy mean-ass waterfowl and they don’t mess around.  If I may, I am going to borrow a quote from Dr. Cox on “Scrubs” because it describes what geese are better than I can even begin to try:  They are “Bastards.  Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.”  How do I know this you ask?  Let’s just say I have been on the receiving end of their attitude recently and quite honestly I don’t care for it.  Let me tell you my story.

The building where I work is located on the edge of the city on rather large campus setting.  The campus has 4 or 5 buildings (two of which are large companies), a huge 1.7 mile paved trail that essentially runs the perimeter of the property, and smack dab in the middle is a rather large man-made pond.   This pond also has a paved half-mile trail around it that links to the bigger trail and goes right past the back door of my building.  Naturally, many people find it enjoyable to walk the pond trail over their lunch and take in the view that extends over the pond and the surrounding prairie area.  Due to property’s outlying area and the pond, geese of course are naturally drawn to this setting.  For the most part of the year, the geese who visit the property mind their own business as do the humans that navigate the outdoor settings.  However the spring time is another story.  These sons-of-bitches start showing up just as the ice begins to melt and they proceed to take over the entire pond area.  Not only do they take over, they shit all over it like there is no tomorrow.  If you have aspirations of taking a walk right after the snow melts and the temps rise a bit – think again there Skippy.  There is absolutely no way to walk the loop without having to walk through goose poop.  It can’t be done and it is utterly gross.  Eventually they bring in someone to clean off the crap, and all is well again.  That is of course until the geese start nesting and planning a family.  That's when all hell breaks loose.

I've learned recently that when two geese hook up and mate, they mate for life.  This struck me as odd because I figured they were greasy bastards and their goal would be to make as many little honkers as they could.  You are probably saying "aww that's sweet." which it sort of is.  But these things are tremendous bastards, so it negates any sweetness involved.

When Momma Goose gets herself in the "family way" (GOOSE SEX) and is ready to pop out some eggs, she starts making a nest where ever the EFF she wants - and I mean anywhere.  It could be out in the prairie grass, next to a tree in the parking lot, or it could be RIGHT along a paved walking trail.  Once she gets settled and pops her eggs: that's it - she's not going ANYWHERE until those little fuggers hatch.  Daddy Goose has the job of being as bad ass as he can and protect the Momma Goose at all costs.  He struts around the perimeter of the Mom's nest and keeps look-out for any incoming trouble.  If trouble comes-a-knocking, Daddy Goose does not eff around.  He'll start hissing and making nasty noises, then if that doesn't work he'll start on the dead run towards his enemy.  If that doesn't work, you better say your prayers mister because IT IS ON.  Daddy Goose will open his wings and attack - honking, pecking, and flapping his wings at the enemy until they are deterred or possibly dead.  I'm not joking when I say this: it is frightening to watch and even more so to be on the receiving end of this shit.

My co-worker has been attacked twice now.  The first time she didn't even know there was a nesting goose in the vicinity to where she was walking into work from the parking lot.  Daddy Goose came at her full blast  and knocked her down to the ground.  Ever since then she has been terrified of these things.  She swears that they can "smell" her fear.  The second time she was accosted the goose just flew at her out of no where.  Luckily she was able to duck and run and was no worse for the wear.  Every spring time at work, its only a matter of time before our HR sends out email notices about hostile geese on the property and to give the animals some space.  This year they went as far as to put orange cones in the areas where the nests are so you know to avoid them.  They did this only after they knocked down some poor bastard who hit their head on the pavement and got a concussion.  Even with the cones, the Daddy Goose likes to make his protective perimeter bigger every so often, so no matter how careful you are that son of a bitch comes honking and hissing at you until you run away.

As the weather got nicer this spring, I opted to stay inside and run on the treadmills instead of fending off the geese around the trail outside.  From the comfort of my treadmill,  I watched others run a little too close to the orange-coned areas and then saw them hauling ass while the greasy Daddy goose went flapping in their direction.  It was scary to watch and a little funny too, because it was like watching a horror movie where you know the bad guy is behind the door with the axe, but the girl is walking in anyway without a clue.
The gauntlet of geese

Eventually it looked the the attacks were subsiding, so I got brave and decided to take my chances outside.  I watched others walking around the pond with no issue, so I thought I would follow their path and hoped for the best.  As I set out, I quickly noticed nothing short of about 50 geese milling about the immediate area and wondered if they were ALL going to ambush me.  For the most part they stayed out of the way and were no trouble.  I knew that the real trouble lie in wait out by the coned areas, so I made sure I hustled past the outskirts of that area and was well on my way.  I did a full lap around the property and was just finishing up my short lap around the pond when I decided that I had enough energy to make another short lap.  So I started the second lap by continuing on past the building and through the gaggle of geese milling around again.  That was when I saw trouble up ahead:  one lone goose sitting RIGHT in the middle of the path.  Shit.  So I did what any sensible person would do, detour off onto another trail leading away from the pond and towards another building on campus.  It was somewhat near a coned area, but not too close.  Well, apparently the Daddy Goose in that area was on a large perimeter patrol because the next thing I saw was this goose running at me and honking like nobody's business.  "HOLY SHIT" I said out loud and I sprinted off the sidewalk out into the yard thinking that would be enough, but no.  I turned around to see this shithead still coming at me and I could tell he was ready to get his wings involved.  Needless to say I got the hell out of there.  As soon as I got away from him and up towards my building I realized I had two feelings in mind: 1. I did not feel like running anymore; and 2. I was PISSED.

I came up behind these assholes and had to stop running.
That one on the left is hissing at me and letting me know he does not
like me.  The feeling is mutual there Chet.
For the next several weeks if I wanted to run outside I made sure I avoided these areas at all costs and went no where NEAR anything that had an orange cone.  For the most part this meant I had to leave campus and run on city trails near my work.  If the weather was bad, I stayed inside and used the treadmill.  These outings went off without a hitch and it was nice to not have to run in fear.  About a week ago though, they took down the cones so it looked like the nesting season (and any trouble) was over. I again decided that I would try my luck around the trails at work and headed out around the pond.  Well, do you know what is worse than a Daddy goose protecting his lady-goose sitting on her nest?  A Momma and Daddy goose protecting their little baby geese while out for a family walk.  Holy cow they do NOT screw around.  I rounded a corner to find two pissed off geese walking in a threatening manner in my direction, while their bastard goslings were chirping and wandering around like a bunch of idiots.  I quickly did an about-face and got the hell out of there.  Then just the other day, I came upon not one, but TWO families out taking up the whole God-Damn sidewalk.  They immediately started hissing at me and moving their necks in threatening manner.  I came to a halt and waited for their clan of assholes to continue past before I was able to take off again.  It pissed me off to no end.

I know we are supposed to let nature be and we are living in their world too, but still.  I don't know why they have to be such butt-munches and have to park right next to where people are.  I'm pretty sure they do it on purpose.

Seriously though, I am thankful my encounters have only been verbal warnings and have not been full-scale attacks where I've been knocked down (yet).  However, mark my words:  If they come looking for trouble - they will find it.  We'll see how far I can throw one of those honkers by their necks.

Damn geese.

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