Monday, February 13, 2012

Monday Morning Stories with Mookie - Episode 3

The Time When Mookie Watched as a Hot Chick Passed Judgement on a Group of Gay People

During my senior year of college, I was told by various people that I should take a class called “Human Relationships and Sexuality.”  The advice suggested that the class would be "easy," and "entertaining."  To which I said: "So's your mom."

Registration time comes around and I see that the class is only being offered at 8 AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Son of a bitch.....  It had BETTER be entertaining and easy if I have to roll off my couch for an 8 AM class.  So I sign up for the course and get in.  Booyah.

The class commences and it is unintentionally HILARIOUS.  Picture this:  a lecture hall full of 200 college kids being taught by this semi-unmanly professor, talking about anything and everything sexual.  Nothing is off limits as long as it’s a serious discussion.  Do you want to know if giving your boyfriend a BJ is going to get you pregnant?  Go ahead and ask (for the record, someone did)!  It was bizarre on many fronts, but mainly as to how STUPID some people are when it comes to basic sexual matters. 

One day, the topic turned to the matter of "self pleasure."  It obviously engages the audience as most of the present crowd are probably experts at it.  Dr. Pervo begins telling us some story about how one day he walked in on his wife masturbating (he made it sound like a regular thing).  He was very casual and simply asked if she needed any help.  I think he said they got it on after that, but I don’t really remember because I think I passed out.  

Another bizarre turn was the 3 or 4 classes where they would show “sexuality” videos.  Or as you and I call them: Porn.  This wasn’t your big boobed bimbo chick/pizza guy kind of porn.  It was instructional type stuff, how to consider your partner’s needs and other general “how-to” stuff.  This goes here….that goes there...Ooh that feels nice.  To this viewer, it was not titillating or erotic (although I'm sure several people went back to their dorm and j'd off).  It was F'N HI-LAR-IOUS.  Then, as if this stuff wasn't bizarre enough, Dr. Pervo topped it all off with a video about some woman getting it on with her husband who was paralyzed from the waist down.  You might be asking yourself: "Did they show 'everything' or was it insinuated?  Of course they showed it all:  Banging on a wheel chair in the shower, odd devices, and what I have to describe as a VERY patient and loving wife considering the "effort" involved.  It was surreal stuff, especially at 8am in the morning.

Then one day the professor had members of U.N.I.G.L.O. (University of Northern Iowa Gay and Lesbian Organization) come for a visit, and had them arranged like a panel in front of the class.  For the most part, they just discussed the organization, and essentially anything and everything that is gay.  Literally. 

Most of the stories and information presented during the hour was surprisingly pretty lame.  Then this one older gentleman told his “story” about how he had once been married and had kids, and then one day decided to stop living a lie, and came out as gay.  His story was a good five minutes long, and towards the end of it, the sounds of a girl sobbing are coming from the second row of the audience.  Everyone is looking over at this girl bawling, and MY GAWWWD IS SHE HHHHHOTTTTTTT.  Like wow hot.

The professor obviously is curious at the disturbance this girl is making, and asks what her deal is.  She proceeds to berate this gay gentleman for what he “did” to his family, and asked 2 or 3 times how he could “do something like that” to them.  He was honest and polite about it, because her question had a point to it.  She then unloaded about how this sort of thing happened to her.  A year prior she had been engaged to this “wonderful” man, who showered gifts upon her and they had traveled around the world.  He was the most beautiful and loving man.  Then one day he up and decided he was gay, and couldn’t marry her or be with her anymore.  Oh good lord it just went downhill from there. 

She blabbered on and on about her personal humiliation being ditched by this guy, and her family’s disgust over it all.  Oh, and then throw in the fact she was quite religious and didn’t believe in “that sort of lifestyle decision.”  She basically ripped all the gay people and said they have a choice, and she had no doubt God must hate them.
THAT was when the wheels came off and it was a train wreck of epic proportions.  The UNIGLO panel started getting feisty about her biased comments, and the professor had to raise his voice to restore order to the lecture hall. 

The class dismissed that day, and the UNIGLO panel was never brought up again in class.  I of course thought it was hilarious, as I enjoy watching people get personally bent over matters of religion and sexuality.  The rest of the course must not have been memorable because I can’t remember anything else.

But that HAAAWWT Jesus-freak chick bawling was classic due to her over-sharing and apparent need to share her personal anguish.

Plus, based on the details in her story, there is NO WAY anyone could have thought that fiancee was straight.  Her descriptions had "gay" all over it.

(*) Names have been changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

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