Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Do You Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Do you ever have one of those days where you want to just say "SCREW IT" and not do anything, but then when you ponder what you would do instead - you don't know what you'd do to make the day "worth" not doing all of your responsibilities? Of course you do - everyone does.

Then what do you do? In the end you probably just go and do what you are supposed to do anyway.

Why? Because you know that whatever you neglected today will be compounded the very next day, and that whole thought is even more exhausting in itself than just doing what you are supposed to do.

I hate that.

I'm pretty sure this is why alcohol exists.

What Would Jesus Do?

This is 100% what would happen if Jesus were around these days.


Monday, February 24, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 105

The Time Mookie And Friends Got Into It With Dollar Don And His Posse

As you may remember from previous episodes (click HERE and HERE for a refresher), the town I lived in when I was in high school had a resident that everyone called "Dollar Don*." Dollar Don lived in a sorry looking house, and spent his free time driving around town in a van all hours of the night with his wife and children in tow. The legend of Dollar Don and his unfortunate nickname came about because he allegedly had a hole in his gas tank, and because he was too cheap/poor to fix it - he only put in one dollar's worth of gas in at a time. I've heard people swear that it was a witnessed and confirmed event, and I've heard that the story was somewhat true, but may have only happened once. Either way, the legend grew and the name stuck.

In the weeks and months leading up to this story, Dollar Don and his Posse had endured endless amounts of harassment and slander from the high school community. The guy couldn't even drive down the street without someone yelling "F*CK YOU DOLLAR!" However, when all you do is drive around town 4 hours a day - you have to know you are exposing yourself quite a bit. This harassment would occasionally result in a skirmish of some sort, and physical fights between the Dollar Posse and his harassers were not uncommon. The situation usually ended with the police showing up to break up the fight, and members of the Dollar Posse going to jail for beating up minors. All-in-all family fun.

I personally remember one time where the Dollar Gang rolled up into the parking lot I was sitting in with a group of friends, and tried to start shit with us because they thought we yelled at them. We were hardly innocent when it came to yelling things at Dollar Don, however this time he was quite mistaken. I can still picture him leaning against his van with his arms crossed, while his ugly wife (Claude-Head) and kids peered out the window at us. He stood there and MONOLOGUED at us, saying things like "You guys aren't so tough when you aren't in your cars or on the C.B.'s are ya?" We just stood there and stared at him at first, but then we more-or-less ignored him and talked amongst ourselves. Eventually he got tired of being ignored and left.

During the first part of the summer where the "big event" happened, I can remember that the reports of violent confrontations between Dollar and his harassers were few and far between for some reason. This seemed odd even though it was summertime, and the verbal harassment was always ongoing and continual. That is of course until the night in question where things really went down.

For some reason that night, the harassment was at a fever pitch (if that is even measurable). I don't know what it was, but you could sense the tension in the air when the high school kids and the Posse exchanged curse words and veiled threats. You knew something was going to happen. The Dollar Posse must have sensed the tension too, because they all traveled in a caravan of sorts as they drove "the loop." It was as though they were a protective pack of wolves ready to attack if someone lashed out at one of their own. A large group of us who had assembled in the parking lot of one of the auto parts businesses that lined "the loop, "watched them each time they drove by. After the Dollar Posse made a particular pass by our group in the parking lot, someone came up with the idea that we all needed to pull out in front of - into - and behind the Posse with our cars as they drove by the next time - and drive reeeaalllly slllooooowww. We all agreed that it was a "great idea," and all ran to our cars to await Dollar's next pass. What was going to happen? I certainly didn't know but I was excited to be a part of it.

Finally, we spotted Dollar and the gang come around the corner up and were making their way towards us. We were ready. All told, I think there were four or five cars ready to swoop in out of the parking lot into Dollar's caravan. I was riding shotgun in my friend "Rick's*" Mustang, and somehow we were in position to pull out in front of the WHOLE caravan as they came down the street. Just as the Posse entered the beginning of our block, Rick and I pulled out in front. We were followed by the rest of our group - some of which pulled in behind us, but a few others lagged back and pulled right into the middle of the caravan. As planned, we reduced our speed to a crawl of probably five or ten miles an hour. We were literally holding up the entire crowd. All of a sudden one of our friends went FLYING out and around everyone and passed us all - with Dollar right on his tail. What happened next was kind of a blur....cars started turning and speeding down side-streets, all with a Dollar Posse member chasing them. Somehow Rick and I were not being engaged by anyone - yet.

We drove through downtown and circled a particular block until we saw chaos straight ahead. Two or three cars were trying to trap one of our friends' car, and we inadvertently drove right into the mix. Suddenly we realized one of the cars included Dollar Don's vehicle. When we stopped at the stop sign (because we trying to be some-what law abiding kids), Dollar GOT OUT OF HIS CAR....AND STARTED RUNNING AT US! Rick freaked the shit out, stomped on the gas and somehow swerved around the portly Dollar - who unfortunately got a bad jump on us. Rick yelled out his window at Dollar "We didn't do anything!" as we sped away. In our efforts to get away from Dollar, our direction unintentionally took us towards the county jail. When we passed the jail, we saw that one of Dollar's Posse members had somehow cornered one of our friend's car and was trying to pound our friend through the window. This freaked us out big time because not only were these assholes chasing us, they were being violent about it. Rick and I decided that there was no shame in being extreme pussies....and got the hell out of there. Rick ended up dropping me off at home and he retreated to his house as well.

I spent the rest of the night TOTALLY expecting a knock on the door or a phone call from the local police about the incident. Even though Rick and I technically didn't do anything....I was freaked out. Thankfully the cops never showed up.

The next day I had to work at Hardee's, and as soon as I got to work all I heard about was people talking about was the big dust-up everyone had with Dollar the previous night (Its a small town - it didn't take much to get people fired up). It turned out that one of our friends who had pulled right into the caravan, did so with middle fingers extended and vulgarities being verbally exclaimed. That was what set off everything that resulted in everyone and Dollar accelerating past us. We also found out that the friend we saw getting pounded on by Dollar's thug was our friend "Thad.*" Dollar's thug found out pretty quick that this was a BIG mistake because Thad was a BIG MOFO. While Dollar's guy got a few punches in through the window, Thad grabbed the guy in a headlock and went to town on his face. As I said before, this was right in front of the county jail so naturally the cops showed up and broke up the melee. Dollar's thug (who turned out to be his brother) got sent to jail for beating on minors, while our friend just got a verbal "you guys need to leave Dollar alone" reprimand. The rest of my friends somehow avoided any physical harm (body and vehicular) from Dollar and his guys, and did not receive any entanglement or lecture from the police.

While there were still skirmishes here and there with Dollar after that night, there was nothing like the night we engaged his caravan and things got crazy.

Having said that....stay tuned for future episodes where I will tell you the stories of those skirmishes.


* - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to catch up!

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Witty Condom Opinions

The kids on the left side of the page think they are quite the jokesters.

Useful French 101

In the event you find yourself with a saucy French person, please use...or beware....of these statements.

Notices That I Don't Heed

Our ice machine at work in the break room got a little noisy here awhile back.  Most of us paid it no mind, and learned to deal with it. Well, we had some "newer" people move into our area of the cube-farm and apparently one of them decided they didn't like the noise. So much so, they took it upon themselves to put this sign on the machine.

They wanted everyone to go to the cafeteria. Are you kidding me? The cafeteria is clear across the building. Where does this person get the nerve to inconvenience EVERYONE because they don't like the noise? We all learned to deal with it. Shut up and put your headphones on.

Needless to say, I made sure that I got my ice out of this machine.....and I giggled my fat ass off every time I did it. The entire time it went "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR," I had the biggest smile on my face. I also made sure I paid a visit to the machine at least 3 times a day.  The best part was that the machine wasn't the best at keeping up with the demand for ice, so people would stand there and hold the button for 20-30 seconds to get the amount of ice they needed for their beverages. I went the "extra mile" and made sure I did it for at least 40-50 seconds. It was my way of saying "F You" to whoever this self-righteous SOB was.
I mean really.

In further hilarity, someone took the sign down the very same day it went up, so I figured the company was saying "screw you" to the complainer(s) as well. I continued my droning ice machine procedure for a few weeks more until sadly, our maintenance guys replaced it with a quieter one.

So now we have a quiet ice machine.
I still giggle when I get ice though.

Never Hook Up With The Bass Player



How Did You Learn About The YMCA?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Olympic Curling Should Be More Popular

Tell me again why I didn't watch this?


The Fedora Flow Chart

My son can pull off a fedora for some reason, however when I put it on I just look like a big ol' douche.
I need to follow this chart.


Monday, February 17, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie

I gotta take a break today. I haven't been able to finish the story I was working on....so I will have it for you next week. Sorry.

Have a good one...
Mookie

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Deep Thoughts From The Third Shift

One of my duties (haha doodies) at my third shift retail store gig is helping to set the ad signage for the weekly ad. Last week's ad naturally had a lot of Valentine related stuff...candy, flowers...and yes....even condoms.
I have to admit I was disappointed and surprised there wasn't a sale on Plan B in this ad following the Valentine festivities. Then again...if you need Plan B....the odds are good that you'll pay face value for it.

Good call retail big-wigs.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Great Olympic Snapshot


This girl rocks....I love it.

[Women's 500-meter short track speedskating silver medalist Arianna Fontana of Italy, right, gestures as bronze medalist Park Seung-hi of South Korea, left, and gold medalist Li Jianrou of China pose with their medals at the 2014 Winter Olympics. AP Photo/David Goldman.]

Story courtesy of Deadspin

Happy Valentine's Day!

In case you are still looking for just the right Valentine for your loved one....look no further!
Please let your old pal Mookie help you out with this one.  Feel free to use either one of these (or both if the occasion calls for it) if so you desire.

Either one is a sure-fire ticket to "pound town."



Your Mom

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Greatest Picture On The Internet

This falls into the "going to hell for laughing" category, but I lost it.
Radical Larry is my favorite.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Sarah Palin Watching The Olympics

We haven't had a good Sarah Palin joke in awhile.

Olympic Pride

After training a lifetime to be the best in the world...the guy in orange would totally be me if I lost.
(ed.this isn't from the Sochi Olympics...but still)

Monday, February 10, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 104

The Time Mookie Thought His Kids Asked About Boobs

This one happened last week, and is too good not to share.

I was driving the kids to school one morning, and they were asking questions about anything and everything like they always do. The oldest boy is eleven, and brother is six. One of the kids mentioned that they had seen a car somewhere that looked like a dog.  I started laughing, and said that when they are older they will need to see the movie "Dumb and Dumber" because one of the characters in the movie drives a van that looks like a dog.
One of the best vans ever

My youngest son said that's probably what it was from because he said his Mom briefly had it on while flipping channels one day. When I mentioned we had the DVD at home, both of the kids asked if they could watch it when we got home. While I personally would have liked to watch it (as I haven't seen it in awhile), I replied that it probably wasn't "appropriate" for kids their age. Luckily we were sitting at a stop light while the conversation continued.

That was when my youngest son asked:
"Does it have a lot of boops in it?"

That is NOT what I heard him say. I heard "Does it have a lot of boobs in it?"

My brain had a flurry of thoughts and responses as to what I heard him say. One thought was "No, there isn't any boobs but you briefly see part of Lauren Holly's ass." Then I remembered I was talking to a six-year-old, and why would a six-year-old be asking if a movie had boobs in it? I turned around and looked at my eleven-year-old - who looked back at me quizzically as to why I was looking at him so funny. I turned to the six-year-old and shockingly said:

"Did you say boobs?"

His reply was: "No. Boops. Like when they boop out the bad words."

"Yeah. There are boops in it."

I turned back to the steering wheel and it was all I could do not to laugh us into the other lane of traffic.

Hopefully it will be quite a few more years before he is asking me any sort of question that wonders if a movie has "boobs" in it. However, when that appropriate time comes, I will proudly say to him "No that movie didn't have any boobs but it would been awesome if it did."

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to catch up!