Monday, December 08, 2014

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 136

The Time Mookie Wondered What Would Happen If The Stuff In My Spam Folder Was Real

Are you like me and HAVE to check your spam folder every so often?  You know, just in case something legitimate got dumped there by mistake.  I’m a frequent victim of my company’s email server being extra protective, or my Hotmail account (yes I know how uncool it is to use Hotmail) thinking that some email my friend sent me has that nasty computer virus going around.  It is a tremendous pain since I still have several emails that are actual spam still landing in my inbox, but I deal as best I can.  Most days I have to laugh while deleting the ENDLESS advertisements and enticements that are ones you'd be embarrassed to talk about at church. You know the ones I’m talking about

That got me thinking one day:  What my life would be like if I responded to everything in my spam folder? Let's take a look at my spam folder today and see what could happen.

There are several emails in my junk folder right now that promise me that my "man parts" could be AT LEAST 4 INCHES LONGER if I use their product. Four G.D. inches. I honestly wouldn't know what to do with four more inches, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only guy who would feel that way.  However, if this was a legit deal I guaran-f'n-tee every dude in America would be mailing in for that one. That is a fact. Another similar ad mentions that not only will I attain a length that rivals a fence post, but I will also have bigger "girth." Can anyone even say that word without meaning a dude's junk? Does anyone even use that word for something besides a penis?  I don't think they do.  Even if you aren't meaning it, it's virtually impossible to keep the teenage pervert in your brain at bay and keep it from thinking "Heh heh. They said girth." I would wager that male enhancement products are probably 50 percent of all spam emails. I find this hilarious when it comes right down to it.

Hey look at this!  Lucky me! To go along with my new "growth spurt," it appears I can get an endless supply of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra delivered right to my door from a discreet courier from below the border! Best of all, I don't need a pesky prescription either. Hot damn! That's what they tell me anyway. I wonder how someone applies to become a "discreet courier" because that sounds like a job I want. "What do you do?" "Oh, I'm a discreet erectile dysfunction courier from below the border." "SWEET"  What they don't tell you is that the guy is only "discreet" until he crosses the border. After that he drives to your house with a truck that says DICK PILLS down the side and has flashing blue lights.
Then there is this email.  As luck would have it, it appears I have won a lottery in the U.K. (again) and all I need to do to claim my winnings is email them my bank account and routing number. Well sure!  I would bet that no harm could come from that.  I mean it's the U.K Lottery! I would love to collect my 50,000 units of some currency that probably doesn't exist or converts down to about 1 peso. The joke would really be on those idiots though if they try to scam money from my account. I'm married, have kids, and I drive a G.D. Kia. They are going to get a big fat zero.
Oh my, I just got an email from Carol.  Did you get one?  I don't know anyone named "Carol," but by God she is trying to contact me via Facebook and she wants to see me tonight!!!  Do you think she wants to meet my wife too?  Odds are good it's some fat hairy sissy-pants guy living in his dead mother's house. Yeah I said dead mother, and she's probably still in the house too.  Oh, and there is a pit in the basement. "It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again." OK - I'll stop.
Look at this! Apparently four people from my high school specifically looked me up today and want to reconnect! I don't know whether to feel honored or to hang myself over this. Not to say high school was bad or anything, but you know what I'm talking about. It's just so - high school.  I am betting that one of the people was Eddie, and he's still trying to collect that $2.00 he claimed I owed him for eating ONE of his nachos on the 9th grade field trip.  The joke's on you Eddie - you aren't getting $2.00 from me you stupid ass-clown.
Whoa, hold the phone! If I take this unemployment survey I get $500!!! Do I have to be unemployed? If I take the survey will I become unemployed? If I take the survey and get the $500, does that mean I was employed but am now unemployed again?  Do I need to notify the state unemployment people and tell them I took the paid survey about unemployment, and since I got paid I now lose my unemployment benefits? Too many questions and I am nowhere near drunk enough to even think on that level. I better delete that one and move on.
I can get an Amazon Kindle for $8.76? Great Oden's Raven that is a sweet deal!  But what they don't say is that the power button is a paperclip stuck in the button hole, the screen flickers when the wind blows two towns over, the letter S is missing, and the letter E makes a Q.  Not bad for under $9. Then again there is that place where you can read books for free - what is that called? Oh yeah. The library.
Check it out! Really sexy and single older people have sent me an invite. What have they invited me to?  An early bird buffet? The Lutheran Home Tuesday Sudoku Challenge?  Trust me, they want none of this action when it comes to buffets and Sudoku. I will kick their brittle asses, take their butterscotch pudding, and still fill in that ninth square before they even turn on their reading light. We'll see how sexy they think that is.  My real question is what is their definition of "older" and "sexy."  I would bet that these are some really old and ugly ass people, but then again really old and ugly ass need love too. Who am I to judge?
So that's what I've got. I'm happy to say though that I'm very content with what I have in life and I am not going to seek the help offered up in my spam mail today. Not to say I won't check it again tomorrow though.  Stay tuned because maybe I'll get ripping drunk some night and be back telling a different tale.
That tale just might be written on my brand new Amazon Kindle while I'm sitting here with my overgrown man parts, a vast supply of Viagra, a $500 unemployment survey windfall, $1.24 in lotto winnings, a few friends from high school that I reconnected with, and sharing stories about rippin’ and tearin’ on the sexy senior citizen scene every Tuesday night after the Early Bird.  
One thing is for certain though: Eddie still won't get his $2.00 back and he's not getting any of the butterscotch pudding I stole from the Early Bird either.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to see the library.

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