Friday, August 29, 2014

Amsterdam Is Welcoming And Honest



Mom Is One In A Million



The Best Corporate Flow Chart Ever

This is incredibly accurate.

Now What Are You Going To Do?



Fat Arthur Is Also Kind Of Stupid



Just A Few Dollars Make Disturbing Things Disappear



I Missed This Golden Book

They must have handed it out in school when they split up the boys and girls for health class.

To Everyone Who Tries To Ruin My Friday

Monday, August 25, 2014

Too True

Fun Facts For Thoughtless People

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 126

The Time Mookie Didn't Understand What His Roommate Was Talking About

This week's theme is similar to last week's: Back To School.
In fact, writing last week's story helped remind me of this one. I hope you enjoy it.

During my junior year of college, I roomed in the dorms with a fine fellow we called "Philly.*" To this day, Philly is easily one of the most funniest people I have ever met. The best part of him being funny was that he wasn't trying to be funny.  That was just Philly. This kid was a little redneck but yet he was also one of the smartest little bastards I've ever come across. He and I were opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to everything - except for beer. Philly liked beer and so did I.  Our friendship pretty much grew from that point
This was not an uncommon thing
to see if Philly was watching TV.
"Look Mookie! Boobs!"

As I said before, Philly was funny without trying to be. I remember many nights coming home from my shift at Walmart to find him reading one of his engineering textbooks with the TV on. While this is not different that most dorms, in this case the TV picture was a scrambled mess and the sounds coming out were CERTAINLY that of a "adult" movie. The cable package available in the dorms was pretty basic, however if you went far enough into the upper channels - you came to what was determined to be the Spice Channel. The sound came through loud and clear, but the picture was distorted and a constantly changing scramble. However on a good night, the scramble wasn't as scrambled - and you could pretty much see the nudity and everything going on. I'd walk in and say "What the hell are you watching?" To which Philly would reply: "Check it out Mookie!  That guy is banging the HELL out of this chick! She's got some big T's too!"

It was always something like that with Philly, and it was always a situation that only HE could be in. I briefly mentioned Philly in last week's episode as the guy that passed out on the Mexican Blackbird on his way home from the bars. One night he attempted to top that story....

On this particular night my neighbor Lazer and I were in my room watching a movie or something, when Philly came bursting in the door drunk off his ass and swearing and ranting like nobody's business. It scared us at first because we thought he was hurt or had been in a fight or something, but it quickly became apparent he was fine - just very drunk and very angry.  Lazer and I were both "Philly. Calm the eff down. What is the problem?" Again and again, Philly would start his very slurred story and after 3 or 4 words he would stop and start incessantly swearing and yelling. All we could make out were the words "chick," and a lot of "f" words. I can still see him wobbling around the room, get quiet for a minute, and then started the ENTIRE sequence over again. Lazer and I were laughing our asses off at him because we just thought he was so drunk he couldn't talk. Eventually we figured out that there was more than that to his rant, but we still couldn't get him to tell us. Eventually Philly climbed into his loft and passed out. I still remember Lazer and I just looking at each other in disbelief over the emotional roller coaster Philly had just rode into the room and passed out on.

The next day, we finally got the answer to what had Philly all worked up.

Apparently Philly was out at the bars drinking and ended up actually dancing with some chick for awhile. During one particular song, the gal leaned into Philly and  - allegedly - whispered something in his ear about taking him back to her room and  - I quote - "sucking him off." Well, once they got back to her dorm and up to her room - Philly unfortunately decided that he needed to take a very ill-timed piss. As this girl lived in an all-girl dorm and there were no male restrooms, he ended up going down however-many floors he needed to go to get outside and ended up pissing in a bush outside the building. Being the "lucky guy" Philly is, in his haste to quickly pee and get back upstairs - he neglected to wedge something in the door which would automatically lock as it was after 10PM. So there he was - stuck outside the building and couldn't get in to get back to this girl who said she was going to "suck him off." Finally, some idiot came out the door he was trying to get in, so he entered as the other person exited - and made his way back to the girl's room. Or at least to where he thought she was. Philly quickly found out that he didn't remember WHICH ROOM this girl was in, let alone what floor or even what her name was. Philly said he wandered up and down the halls, floor by floor, trying to find this girl for over an hour. He was eventually forced to end his search for his pending suck-fest when an R.A. cornered him and asked him what he was doing in the building without an escort. Shortly thereafter, he retreated to our dorm where he unleashed his angry drunken hysterics on Lazer and I.

I remember that there were some people who after hearing Philly's story, claimed that the situation Philly found himself in that night didn't even happen and that he at no time was invited to the alleged suck-fest at this girl's room. I can't say if it did or it didn't happen, but Philly was never one to make up stories like that so I'm more apt to believe it than not. Even if it didn't happen, the crazy freak-out he embarked on once he got to my room was all too real and totally did happen. It was by far one of the funniest things that kid ever did in my presence.

So, all you kids heading off to college - if you ever find yourself in a similar circumstance -  always remember the following:
1. Make sure you wedge the door open so you can get back in. and;
2. Make sure you remember what room and floor you need to get to.

Philly made these mistakes so that you don't have to.
Don't be a Philly.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You Have The Wrong Airline

Miss, this is Virgin Airlines. I think you want TNA Airlines....


Master Putter-Togetherer

I want to attain this title.


Ice Bucket Challege?



Best Store On The Planet

This store must be unbelievably awesome.

Doctor Fired For Forcing Others To Motorboat Her Breasts




I think this lady was unjustly fired.

Weight Loss Doc Forced Female Colleague To 'Motorboat' Her Breasts: Report

A weight loss doctor in Martinsburg, West Virginia, was canned after she repeatedly exposed herself at the office and forced a female co-worker to “motorboat” her surgically enlarged breasts.

According to a 31-page complaint released last month by the state's Board of Medicine, Dr. Tressie Montene Duffy, 44, is unqualified to continue practicing medicine for breaking a litany of medical and ethics laws and standards.

The report alleges that Duffy, the CEO and co-owner of West Virginia Weight and Wellness Inc. in Martinsburg, allegedly forced employees to fill out blank prescription slips for powerful painkillers and other drugs, when she was out of the office.

Employees also claim that after Duffy underwent breast augmentation surgery, she repeatedly showed off the new boobs to staff and patients at her clinic and reportedly rubbed them against staff. She also allegedly allowed drug salespeople to feel her breasts while staff and patients were present, Sunday World reports.

A woman identified in the report as Complainant R said Duffy "pulled Complainant R’s head between her breasts and asked Complainant R to ‘motorboat’ her,” the complaint states. The Charleston Daily Mail, which broke the story, felt obliged to define "motorboating" to its readers:
“Motor boating” is slang for a person moving his or her face back and forth between another person’s breasts and making a sound like a boat engine.

According to the complaint, Duffy grabbed Complainant R by the back of her head and kissed her on the lips that same day. When the victim told Duffy to stop, the doctor allegedly said the Complainant R was being a “titty baby.” Complainant R said the alleged sexual abuse and Duffy throwing a chair at her led her to quit her job. The complainant also alleges Duffy “engaged in a scheme with a drug salesperson to inflate sales in exchange for consideration from the salesperson, including paid parties and office staff.”

This isn't the first time the West Virginia Board of Medicine has tried to revoke Duffy's license.

In 2009, she was charged with felony prescription fraud and conspiracy to commit prescription fraud, according to the New York Daily News.

Duffy's attorney, Lisa Lilly, told the Charleston Daily Mail that Duffy was familiar with the complaint and “denies any and all wrongdoing.” She also said she was unaware of any criminal charges.
The board will meet on Nov. 17 for a three-day hearing to determine Duffy's future. It will decide whether to accept, reject or modify the report's findings.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/16/tressie-montene-duffy_n_5683100.html

Ron Swanson Has No Time For Puppy Blackmail



Monday, August 18, 2014

'Murica

I have to give her credit for her honesty though.

You Think You're The Pope?



The Clown Motel

Check out time?  NEVER

I Don't Think That's A Gummy Worm



That's What She Said

Monday Morning Stories - Episode 125

The Time Mookie Traveled "The Mexican Blackbird"

As school is starting to get underway, I am reminded of this dumb tale...because...well...it's dumb.  This story comes from my college days on the campus of the small state university I attended.

When everyone on campus would go out on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night, most people made their way to a place affectionately known as "The Hill." Why was it called The Hill? Well, it was a big hill on the edge of campus that had a lot of bars on it. Within a one-block span, The Hill boasted at least 5 or 6 bars where the college kids would all hang out and create a general disturbance. To get to The Hill from our dorm, it was a fairly long jaunt across campus. It was far enough that during the winter time, the distance caused some to even consider walking to their cars and driving there. Plus it didn't help that most of the sidewalks going in the direction of The Hill didn't go STRAIGHT there. They curved and meandered though certain parts campus as though the person who designed the sidewalks had a thing against straight and direct sidewalks. This caused most people to leave the sidewalk and cut across the grass on the section of campus near The Hill. This section of campus had lots of established pine and oak trees....so actually that may have been why there was not a straight-shot sidewalk through to The Hill.

Anyways.
The purple line is the path we took to the bars from the dorm.
The large purple path is "The Mexican Blackbird."

During one outing to The Hill, someone came up with the idea of calling this shortcut through the trees "The Mexican Blackbird." The original source for this moniker has been lost over the years, but it is believed to have originated with two gentlemen affectionately known as "Oaf*" and "Gopher.*" In researching the name "Mexican Blackbird," odds are high that Oaf and Gopher obtained this name from the movie "Young Guns II" as they were avid viewers. In the movie, Billy the Kid refers to The Mexican Blackbird as a trail to Mexico that only he and a few others know about, so it would make sense for Oaf and Gopher to designate the trail to The Hill as such.

I also learned that "Mexican Blackbird" is a song by ZZ Top that tells the story about a Mexican prostitute, and Urbandictionary.com says that a Mexican Blackbird is female who has a Hispanic mother and a African-American father. Whether this is derogatory or not I do not know because I am neither Hispanic or African-American. If it is, I apologize.

Nevertheless. The name "Mexican Blackbird" stuck and everyone in the circle of people I went to the bars with called it that. It was sort of exciting going through the Blackbird on our way to the bars because it had that feeling like you shouldn't be there. Plus when you are intoxicated and add a name like "Mexican Blackbird" to something, it sounds like you are on a secret mission. Cutting across campus like that was somewhat frowned upon back in the day as it had no lighting and it was quite secluded due to all the trees. Because of the seclusion, it was not uncommon to hear someone say something like: "You won't believe what I saw on The Blackbird last night." I heard stories of couples getting "friendly" behind trees, random fights, people vomiting next to trees, and even people passing out and sleeping there overnight. Sadly, I know two people who were guilty of the latter two offenses.

One night, our dorm-mate "Lazer*" puked his guts out next to a tree along the Blackbird after a night of over-consumption. Another time, our friend "Philly" stayed too long at the bar by himself and didn't quite make it home. For some reason he chose to lay down and pass out under a pine tree in the Mexican Blackbird. He laid there until morning when he finally woke up and stumbled home to the dorm. None of us could believe the fact that nobody saw him or that Public Safety didn't find him. It has been suggested that Lazer and Philly's events happened the same night and next to the same tree, but this has neither been confirmed or denied. However it was noted that Philly did smell like hell when he came back the next morning after spending the night on the Blackbird.

To this day, I often wonder if the kids still call this shortcut "The Mexican Blackbird" but I'm going to bet they don't. I know that in the years since my attendance at the college, the area has been closed from time to time due to campus construction and the ability to access it was totally cut off. I'm willing to bet that when this was done, the name received a sad lonely death.

I for one think the tradition should be re-started, and a plaque should be put in place officially designating the location as The Mexican Blackbird. Yes it's stupid, but so is half the stuff they build on college campuses. Everyone knows that if you have enough money, a college will build anything and name it whatever you want to get your money.

I might have to get something going on Kickstarter for that.


(*) -  Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

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