Monday, April 29, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 66

The Time Mookie Got Yelled At By An Old Man

I have to preface this story by saying that it came to me while I was actually writing a different story. After pondering it for a few minutes, I felt that it would be better to do this story first. If anything, it will help reaffirm my argument that a lot of old people are cranky as shit.

My story begins from a point in time many years ago. When I was a kid, my family moved into a house where one of the neighbors was one of the crankiest old men I have ever met. His name was “Winchester (*).”

Why do I say that Winchester was the crankiest old man ever? Well, like a lot of old people - he hated it when people went through his yard for anything. He was very protective of his yard for some reason, which in hindsight is a bit funny since it wasn't that nice to begin with. But if you touched his yard for ANY reason -AND- if he saw you do it...you could be certain that you had an ass-chewing coming your way. It didn't matter who you were either...young or old...male or female...you got your ass chewed. Then one day he decided to chew the ass of the wrong guy - My Dad.

My Dad and Winchester had a personal feud and general dislike for one another for over 20 years. From what I remember, the feud started not long after we moved into our house. The biggest thing that started it was when my Dad was mowing the lawn, and apparently he "crossed" the property line and went into Winchester's yard a bit. I guess Winchester didn't think much of this and chewed my Dad's ass. Not long after this, Winchester planted a long line of bushes down the property line - but yet he did it far enough inside his yard so that there was still a strip of grass between the bushes and the property line dividing our properties. Being the antagonistic old son-of-a-bitch he was - Winchester didn't always feel the need to mow this strip of grass along the property line. Sometimes he would, but most of the time he would not. Eventually the grass would grow to a length that looked totally shitty next to our yard, so naturally....my Dad would mow it. This of course usually earned my Dad another ass-chewing from the old man, which in turn my Dad probably told him where he could put his bushes, lawn mower, and anything else he was pissed about.

Looking back at it now, the pissing match between these two was just hilarious. You know Winchester didn't mow that strip on purpose just to aggravate my Dad. Meanwhile, you know my Dad would mow it just to get a rise out of Winchester. Just classic good stuff.

The a-hole games didn't stop there though. One time Winchester dug trenches in his yard from his gutter downspouts to the street by our driveway. He then ran tile hosing underground so that all the rainwater that came off his house emptied into the street right at the bottom of our driveway. He even crossed a section of our yard with his trench (without asking) to do it. Just a total asshole move. As a form of revenge, my dad lobbed soybeans up onto his roof. The beans would then go down into the gutters, down the downspouts and into his new drainage system. Soybeans of course swell when they get wet, and from what I've heard over the years...Dad put enough soybeans down those gutters to make sure it didn't drain into the street by our driveway. At all.

In a humorous side note to this feud, my Mom never understood why Winchester and my Dad were such a-holes to each other. Whenever the old guy and my Mom had a rare conversation - she claimed he was quite friendly to her. This of course only happened when he knew Dad was nowhere near the vicinity.

As luck would unfortunately have it, Winchester's kindness towards my Mom did not transfer to me as well. Like my Dad, I too felt the brunt of Winchester's ass-chewings over the years. I remember several instances where my basketball (or things like that) would roll into his yard and him coming out of his house yelling at me to get out of his yard. One time he came out and refused to let me retrieve my item. All that served to do was to have me go tell my Dad about it - which he gladly went and got for me. Oddly Winchester never came out when Dad went and got my ball though. However there was one time I was shooting hoops and my Dad was working in the garage. Winchester must not have known he was in there because he again yelled at me about the ball rolling over there. When my Dad heard him, he stepped out of the garage to see what was going on. Winchester turned heel and went back in the house as fast as I ever saw him.

I still laugh when I think about that.

When I was a bit older I got a paper route in the neighborhood, and sure enough old Winchester was one of my daily deliveries. I still remember the first time he caught me cutting across his yard on my bike going to the next house. He must have been waiting for me, as he kind of jumped out in front of me from his garage. He laid into me like he never had before, and I could not believe it. I was so shocked that I just stood there and didn't say anything while he barked at me. Unfortunately for him though, because I was my father's son - it didn't stop me from doing it again and again. I tell you, it didn't matter if I was on foot or on my bike, or if it was warm or snowy - if he saw me set one foot in his yard - he gave me hell for doing it. Needless to say I never got a Christmas gift from him for my delivery services either.

Ever since then, I've been a pretty good judge of when an old person is crazy as shit. I don't think they all are - most of them are sweethearts - but there are a lot of them that are. You can look into their eyes can just "tell" that they are going be nothing but a world of trouble for you.

Sadly, I proved this theory true again a few years ago, and I will share that one with you next week. This one definitely gives Winchester a run for his money.....

One final note on Winchester:
My Dad always joked that the old guy would probably outlive him - just because that's how ornery old Winchester was. However, Winchester eventually passed away at the age of 150 or something (That’s not true..but it seemed that way). While I don't think he necessarily celebrated the man's demise, I do think that as the last man standing - my Dad quietly declared himself "victorious" in his battle with Mr. Winchester.

As he should have. Winchester was a jackass.

(*) Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to catch up!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Thoughts At 3 AM

Okay so, I just got my annual review at my third shift part-time job. You know, the one where I work at the retail store unloading the truck and stocking shelves? They tell me in one breath how great of a job I'm doing, and in the next breath they tell me I need to "step up" and be "a leader." And then....as a reward for me busting my balls for the last year...and to encourage me to "step up" in the coming year...they gave me a 37-cent an hour raise.

THIRTY SEVEN CENTS.

I'm sorry, but 37 cents is not enough to encourage me to step up and be a leader.  Shit, if it makes me want to do anything...it would be to NOT work as hard. If I didn't already have a full time job that paid me a decent salary, a 37 cent raise might encourage me to jump head first off the goddamn roof.
Plus I don't want to be a leader. I'm perfectly fine in my role as the simple worker bee I am. If I ever realized that I considered myself a leader in this band of dipshits...again...I would probably be up on the roof as I mentioned before.

While I jest about the dramatics of this situation, I have to say that I am fortunate I have the full time job I do have (my day job). Especially because the appreciation for my hard work is recognized by more than a 37 cent raise.

Its sad when you think about it, the people that really bust their humps in this world aren't making half the amount that those who get to sit on their butts do.

Life's a bitch.
Gotta get back and earn my raise. Phhfffff.

Third Shift Laugh

Well as a matter of fact I have.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Third Shift Laugh

I guess if you are cheating on your spouse and get the urge for some food....you need to call Quiznos. They will set you up.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Get Off Abbey Road NOW!!

These little One Direction f'ers should be shot for doing their own version of The Beatles "Abbey Road" album cover.

Thankfully Paul McCartney has a thought on the matter..


Monday, April 22, 2013

What Am I Not Allowed To Do?







Apparently this means you aren't allowed to let people ride on your shoulders.  At least that's what I hope that it means.

Because if it means "what I think it looks like it means," I would like to see them try and enforce THAT.

Your mom would be devastated.

Foodies Are Dumb

Have you seen people like this taking pictures of their food?  Apparently these people call themselves "foodies," and are self-described "lovers of food."  It normally happens when someone is on vacation, or trying something "new."  They feel the need to take pictures to of their food to document the experience and share it with others.

Please, I know what a goddamn burrito looks like and am certainly not jealous that you are having one.  Just eat it. If you feel like you have say something on Facebook or Twitter...just say it was delicious and that you recommend it.

That will suffice.

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 65

The Time Mookie Saw "Thomas And Friends - Live"

As most parents know, the moment you have a child is effectively when your basic wants/needs in life become a secondary thing  (They may even fall further down the list depending on your situation).  Sleep?  You wish.  Going to the bathroom?  Well, you probably can but don't expect to do it alone.  You should probably plan on the little boogers barging in without warning, especially if they didn't let you get 2 feet from their side to begin with.  Sex?  Good luck with that.  Its like they subconsciously "know" something is going to happen in Mom and Dad's bedroom, and they need to do something to mess that shit up.  "Wow I must not have done enough today to extinguish Mom and Dad's mood and libido.  I better go throw up on the dog."

Then of course you can forget about listening to the music you want to listen to while riding in your car.  Van Halen?  Kiss?  Yeah right.  Its going to be some crap-ass CD of eight-year-olds singing "The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round."  And you KNOW they will need to hear it all again as soon as it's over.  After about the third time, you are ready to swerve into oncoming traffic just to end the misery of it all.  "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THE WIPERS GO 'SWISH-SWISH-SWISH!!! AHHHHHH!"  The really sad part is that after awhile, you get to the point where you actually have a "favorite" song when listening to this crap.  Its hard to look at yourself in the mirror for a few days after you admit this fact.

The same goes for TV.  You never get to watch your shows because they are watching an endless loop of painful cartoons and character videos like Dora, Diego, Thomas, Clifford, Teletubbies, Care Bears, and that bald whiny-bitch Caillou.  While these shows supposedly serve to teach your kids good manners and how to care about one another, they also serve to take YOUR MONEY.

They do this by creating 101 different products with the characters on them so the kids will HAVE to have them.  All of these videos, toothbrushes, clothing, and endless amount of toys will fill your home and empty your wallet before you even know it.  Then if you really are glutton for punishment, there are the LIVE-ACTION shows your kids will want you to take them to.

You know what I'm talking about.  Things like Sesame Street Live, Dora the Explorer Live, The Wiggles, and all that other kind of shtick.  My wife and I are guilty of taking our own kids to see this crap.  While we do so in the name of trying to be good parents and bringing joy and happiness to the kid's life, it has been at the sake of our sanity and self-respect.  Having said that, I admit that not all of them have been terrible (much like the terrible kid-songs you like more than the others).  HOWEVER.  There was one that was SO BAD, and SO TERRIBLE that it was torture.  That show was "Thomas and Friends - Live."

When we went to see this shit-storm of a performance, we already had several live-action kid shows under our belts so we sort of knew how these things worked.  Here is a sample of what we have seen:

Care Bears Live - Tolerable but stupid.

Dora the Explorer Live - It wasn't bad, but it was painful watching an adult dressed as Dora doing the loud "Dora-talk," and asking all of her patronizing questions.  I couldn't help but picture her drunk after the show, still in her costume, and talking like Dora to other cast members: "Do you know what I'll do for $50?"

ElastiGirl's other superpower:
Dat Ass
Sesame Street Live - You can't beat Cookie Monster live.

Disney on Ice - The show we saw featured "The Incredibles," so I had high hopes. Sadly it was just "okay," but I do have to say that "ElastiGirl" sure can fill out a pair of tights though.  Daaamn.

The Doodlebops - This one was "okay" as far as kid shows go, but I remember sitting in approximately the same spot in the same venue where I saw Kiss.  I had gone from seeing fire-spitting demons and topless female fans to 3 weirdos dressed in bright colors and face paint.  It was sad how far I had fallen.

When my wife told me about the "Thomas" show, I begrudging said I would go.  My son was a huge Thomas the Tank Engine fan so I knew he would enjoy it.  I just hoped his enjoyment would be enough to make the show worthwhile and enjoyable for myself.  As it turned out, nothing could have made this show worthwhile.

We arrived at the venue and quickly found our way through all the other families  to our seats.  My wife had scored us some primo seats to this gig - we were like fourth-row on the floor right in front of the stage.  These were the kind of seats you would kill for if you were seeing your favorite musical artist or band.  As we are sitting there waiting for the show to start, I remember having an overwhelming sense of dread of what was going to happen, but wasn't totally sure why.  Finally the show started, and immediately you could tell it was just a pile of SHIT.  I can't even tell you what it was.  Seriously.  All I know is I looked over at my wife less than a minute after it started and we both exchanged looks of horror and confusion.

The main character of course was Thomas the Tank Engine, but HOW do you make a TRAIN entertaining in a live-action setting?  The answer:  You don't.  The problem here is that Thomas and his other train buddies were PROPS.  They were essentially half-assed looking trains that interacted with the crowd and the actors on-stage with a voice-over track.  The trains would occasionally move - as they were pushed around the stage by hidden people - but that was all they did.  The actors that were on stage were horrible.  In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised by this because really - what kind of actors would sign up for this crap?  Not good ones, that's for sure.
"Settle down everyone!  This is going TO SUCK!"

The show was divided into two-parts and had an intermission between the two.  We wanted to leave at the intermission but knew our son would not want to miss the rest of the show.  Somehow, he was entertained but I don't know why.

When we took our seats for the 2nd part, I had a minor hope for some reason that maybe the 2nd part wouldn't be as bad as the first.  I shouldn't have to tell you that it was just as horrible and painful.  Truthfully, I can't tell you anything about the show at all.  I don't remember it except for the fact it was horrible, stupid, and a goddamn waste of money.  Perhaps my subconscious has blocked it out for my own sanity - I don't know.

What I do know is this:  DO NOT GO SEE THIS SHOW. No matter how much your kids beg.  No matter how much your spouse may tell you how good of an idea it is.  Avoid this show at all costs.  Please listen to me.  This show is STILL OUT THERE.  It will harm you.

I've suffered so you don't have to.

You're welcome.

Miss a previous story??  Click HERE to catch up!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Sign of Hope In The Middle of Chaos


Amidst the horrific pictures and stories surrounding the bombings at the Boston Marathon on Monday, I came across this little gem of a story.  As a 3-time marathoner myself, I'm a sucker for feel-good marathon stories and this one pulled me right in.  It brought a smile to my face, and I felt the need to share it so that maybe you could have one too.

Someone close the windows...its getting a little dusty in here....

Credit goes out to websites Deadspin and Huffington Post who have reported the story as well.

I was 1/2 mile from the finish line when the explosion went off. I had no idea what was going on until I finally stopped and asked someone. Knowing that my family was at the finish line waiting for me, I started panicking, trying to call them. Diverted away from the finish line, I started walking down Mass Ave towards Symphony Hall still not knowing where my family was. Right before the intersection of Huntington, I was able to get in touch with my boyfriend and found out he was with my family and they were safe. I was just so happy to hear his voice that I sat down and started crying. Just couldn't hold it back.

At that moment, a couple walking by stopped. The woman took the space tent off her husband, who had finished the marathon, and wrapped it around me. She asked me if I was okay, if I knew where my family was. I reassured her I knew where they were and I would be ok. The man then asked me if I finished to which I nodded "no." He then proceeded to take the medal off from around his neck and placed it around mine. He told me "you are a finisher in my eyes." I was barely able to choke out a "thank you" between my tears.
Odds are I will never see this couple again, but I'm reaching out with the slim chance that I will be able to express to them just what this gesture meant to me. I was so in need of a familiar face at that point in time. This couple reassured me that even though such a terrible thing had happened, everything was going to be ok.

Can You Find The Surfer?

I'm told there is someone surfing in this picture.  But I'll be damned if I can find them.



Monday, April 15, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 64

The Time Mookie Went To A Lesbian Wedding

As we all go through our lives, a lot of people come up with a list of things they want to do in life before they die.  In many circles this is commonly known as a “Bucket List.” The idea being that they want to do these things before they “kick the bucket.”  

On the flip-side of that, as someone gets older they might create a list of things they have already done in their life.  I don’t know what you call this list, so for the sake of this story we’ll call it the “Been There-Done That List.” This list hopefully includes most of the things you planned on doing in your life, but odds are good it includes lots of things that you DID NOT expect.  Obviously one would hope that in the end that this list has more good unexpected things than bad ones!

Naturally over the years my own “Been There-Done That” list has grown considerably, and includes its share of good/bad/expected/unexpected things as well.  However I have to admit there is one thing that I don't know if I ever would have predicted in a million years to make the list:
Attending a lesbian wedding. 

Yep. I did.  To take the situation one step further in the “never predicted” scenario:
My spouse served as the “officiant” of the lesbian ceremony.  Yep....shit just got wild.

So how did this situation come about you ask?  Well, a few years back my wife "Megan(*)" became friends with her masseuse "Amy (*)." As the friendship progressed, Amy felt comfortable enough to tell my wife that she was a lesbian.  This news did not really bother my wife because she is cool, and what I would call a "forward-thinking" individual. When my wife told me what Amy had told her, I have to admit it surprised me a little bit, but in the end it did not change what I thought of her at all.  I had already thought she was pretty cool, and if anything it made me think she was "cooler" somehow.  Perhaps it was because she knew who and what she was - and wasn't afraid to say it.  There are tons of straight people who can't even say that.

I have to also admit that I could not resist the rare opportunity this situation created and make "pervo jokes" to my wife about getting rub downs from a lesbian (Bow Chicka Bow Boww).  Based on what I know, in reality -  nothing of the "girl on girl" nature has happened between Amy and my wife, but boy...my subconscious could sure tell you some stories....Heh Heh...

For the record:  When it comes to the whole gay/straight/bi thing, my standing is that "if it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone - go for it."  Whatever floats your boat.  While I understand a large part of the religious and conservative right-wing establishment does not share my thinking on this matter, and in fact view this whole thing as a "sin" - I have to politely disagree.  Its hard enough to be happy in this life without people pressing their ideals on one another.  There are more important things to look down upon than matters such as this.

Anyway.

Not long after this, there arose a point in time where the laws concerning "gay marriage" were changed in my area of the world, and the law no longer stated that marriage was an institution between "a man and a woman" only.  It now included anyone - as long as they were of legal age of course. Naturally this caused an outcry towards our judicial members, a push to get rid of the judges that made the change, and to revert these law back to those saying "marriage" was an institution only between a "man and woman."  In order to beat any attempts by the lawmakers to change the laws back, many gay and lesbian couples ran to their nearest Justice Of The Peace and made their status as a "married" couple valid in the eyes of the law.  One of these couples was the aforementioned Amy, and her partner "Sara(*)."

After getting "legally married," they told everyone that they would be having an "official" wedding ceremony at a later point in time so that they could celebrate and share the joyous occasion with all of their family and friends.

Once Amy and Sara had decided on a wedding date, Amy of course shared the good news with my wife Megan...only...there was a little more to the news than just "getting married."  Amy asked my wife if she would officiate the wedding.  While I think my wife was taken aback at the thought of being a minister for A WEDDING - let alone a lesbian wedding, she of course told Amy "yes" and that she would be quite honored to do so. My response to the news was all over the place.  I have to say it was probably some of the weirdest - but yet - coolest news I had heard in awhile.  MY WIFE IS GOING TO OFFICIATE A LESBIAN WEDDING!!! With REAL lesbians!   AND there will probably be other lesbians at this wedding!!  Lesbians.  Goddamn that's hot!

Yeah, I don't get out much.

In order to do the best job she could, my wife researched the whole marriage ceremony thing (gay and straight), got some ideas on what to say during the ceremony, and then set out to create the best damn wedding for Amy and Sara she could.  I must add that just in case there was any discrepancy along the way about her being the minister for the ceremony, she went out and became an "ordained minister" via the Internet too.  In case you are wondering - yes, its real ... and YES you can too!

The day of the wedding arrived, and I have to admit I had no idea what I was going see. In the end, what I witnessed that night was both really beautiful, and really....pretty normal.  The wedding and reception were held in the same banquet room, as it was not a large affair -  mostly close friends and family attending.  Amy - wearing a traditional white wedding gown - looked absolutely beautiful, while Sara - who wore a tux - likewise also looked beautiful.  I will add that my wife of course looked stunning, but that goes without saying.

I am not going to go into all the details surrounding the ceremony (because its none of your business), but what I will say is this:
 - My wife did an outstanding job officiating the ceremony (and received 101 compliments all night about it).
 - Amy and Sara - even though they were already legally married - both visibly still had "nerves" like most other people that get married - which I thought was neat and cute.

And most importantly
 - It showed that two people can love each other, no matter their race/sexual preference, and that is a beautiful thing in this world.

As with most weddings - after the ceremony was over everyone had a bite to eat, a DJ cranked up the tunes, and everyone in attendance danced the night away.  While I admit I still felt "out of my element" at times as I was knowingly surrounded by predominantly gay/lesbian crowd, but for the most part I have to say it was also "refreshing."  I use this word because it probably best describes how I felt as I stood there stood there with my wife watching everyone have a good time and enjoying themselves - regardless of whatever "labels" society may pin on them.  It just further proved the thought of "Why can't people just let people just be "people"...and leave it at that?"

So yeah, I went to a lesbian wedding.  And yeah, my wife even officiated it.  And yeah we survived.  Contrary to what some religious folks may say, at no time did I see anyone there trying to pass any sort of gay agenda on to anyone, or try to "convert" someone.  Likewise, I didn't feel the need to press my "straight" agenda on them.  It does not work that way.  As Lady Gaga says, they were "born this way."  They are.  Who am I to say they are wrong?  

If two dudes want to be married to each other, I say go for it.  It’s not like 2 gay guys living next door is going to make me gay.  Plus you know they are going to keep their house and yard pristinely decorated and clean.  Win-win there! The same goes for women marrying women.  If that’s what they want to do, I’m totally cool with that.  Plus you can totally guarantee one of them will be cool to hang out with. Its like a fact

And seriously, you are insane if you don't think the idea of two women together - naked - is totally HOT! 
Because IT IS.

I understand that doesn't really help my whole argument at all, but I had to throw that in there because dammit it's true.

(*) -  Names changed to protect the guilty / innocent.

Furthermore: If you are looking to hire someone to officiate your gay/lesbian wedding, hit me up at breathtakingandinappropriate@gmail.com.  I'll see if I can hook you up.




Miss a previous story??  Click HERE to catch up!

Monday, April 08, 2013

To People That Ride Scooters


Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 63


The Time Mookie Pondered A Lawsuit Against All Of His Previous Coaches

If you have been reading the news this past week, you may have come across the story about the newly-fired men’s basketball coach for Rutgers University.  ESPN aired a video this past Tuesday that showed Coach Rice verbally and physically abusing his players.  “What sort of abuse?”  Well Well! Things like:

·         Throwing basketballs at the heads and bodies of various players.
·         Pushing and shoving them around.
·         Endlessly screaming at them.
·         Calling them unnecessary and hurtful names like “motherf*ckers,” “f*cking faggots,” “c*nts,” and
      my personal favorite – “sissy bitches.”

Naturally this upset everyone, and they fired the guy.  To make matters worse, it came out that the University already knew about the video over six months ago and tried to handle the situation “in-house.”  That of course has blown up in their faces, and now they are trying to cover their butts by apologizing for not firing the guy sooner.  Whatever.  Let the lawsuits begin!

The Rutgers story got me thinking back to when I played sports in school, and how I was not immune from having coaches yelling at me from time to time.  Who is to say I wasn’t “wronged” or “harmed” in some way from all of that?  I would like to know where “the line” is when it comes to deciding what is abusive and what isn’t?  Do I need to sue somebody?  I want to know!

When it comes down to it, coaching is a difficult and stressful gig.  Its like intensive parenting, especially since a lot of players act worse than most children.  Coaches have lots of people depending on them, and they are paid to do their best in respect to a lot of different interests.  They have the school, the administration, the boosters, the fans, the parents, the players, and themselves to think about.  So when I hear stories about coaches freaking out on their players, I am not surprised by it.  Trust me - I don’t condone it, but I get it. 

To be honest, I don’t know if I’ve ever met a coach that didn’t yell at their players at one time or another.  Part of it is just so that they are heard over the noise of the game or the crowd.  Other times you can tell they are yelling because there is a passion and intensity there, they are invested in the team’s success and they truly care.  That’s the kind of coach you want.  The right coach can pass that passion on to the players and inspire them to
bigger things. 

Then there are the ones that yell because they are insufficient, or just because they are dicks.  They serve to bring down a situation, and do no good for anybody.

An example of “insufficient:”
There was one basketball game when I was a kid where the coach YELLED my name like five times consecutively during the game because he wanted me to do something I wasn’t doing.  Then he called "time out," yelled at me some more about having my "head up my ass," and then benched me for the rest of the game.  I know what “constructive criticism” is, but I don’t think it is supposed to include the coach verbally handing you your ass in front of your team, the other team, and in front of a gym full of spectators that included your parents.   That’s what I think anyway.   Did I screw up some play during the game?  Absolutely.  I admit that the coach had reason to be frustrated and the right to let me know this, but his method of public shaming certainly did not create any sort of inspiration or passion of any kind about the game.   It did quite the opposite.

Likewise, I've had the pleasure of having coaches that were total dicks in every sense of the word.  For example:
When I played football, we had a particular coach who took perverse pleasure in making fun of people.  He would pick on the lesser-talented players, and look for laughs from the players.  I admit sometimes I laughed, but still felt bad for those kids.  One instance he acted "buddy-buddy" to a particular not-so-coordinated player, and said "Hey J.D!  Go long!"  The coach mimicked like he was going to throw a long pass to J.D, so he took off running deep.  When he turned to catch the pass, he saw the coach throw the ball maybe 10 yards and then howl with laughter.  Dick.  This coach only lasted a few years.  However, as a farewell performance of sorts - At the season ending awards banquet, the coach stood up and with all seriousness told the audience of players and family that the team effectively sucked, and that all the players were "losers."  It was an awe-inspiring speech that people still talk about today.

I had another coach that had...well an intensity for sure...but I don't know if it was the result of having a passion for what he was doing -  or just had a poor way of handling his emotions.  I had him as a coach for a few sports, and he never failed to deliver a "memorable" tirade of some kind during a season.  During a half-time during a basketball game at an away game, he managed to kick the shit out of a garbage can and damaged a toilet stall door in frustration to our level of play.  During a baseball game, he got into it with the other team's coach and started referring to his coaching technique as "bush league," and called him a "dick with ears."  That one still makes me giggle.
Insufficient or Inspiring?

Then there are the coaches that somehow inspire through threats and verbal harm.  I'm not sure how and why it works, but in some cases it does.  I think that's what the aforementioned Rutgers coach was trying to do, and maybe even took a few pages out of the Bobby Knight book of coaching techniques for his own benefit.  It is safe to say that its a good thing Bobby Knight did not do the stuff he did in this day and age.  He would have been fired and probably jailed for his antics.  It never failed to entertain though.

So I guess the point of my whole story here is that being a coach is a difficult job, and its hard to judge them unless you have been in their shoes.  I understand how someone in that profession may think that by crossing "the line" that they might get their point across, but it is nice to see that they are starting to learn more and more that you can't do that.  One truly has to thank technology and social media for helping make these instances become fewer and fewer.  Let's hope that trend continues and hope that coaches stop abusing their power, and instead - they embrace it and use it to be the positive experience it could be.

I do have to say though that if a kid is acting like a sissy bitch, I think a coach SHOULD be able to call out the player for this.  I would allow this.  "Sissy bitch" is just awesome.

I must add that while I joked about needing to sue my coaches, I am kidding and am not suing anybody. In all those years I can't say I had a coach throw balls at any of our heads and call us “mother*cking c*nt sissy bitches.”

I bet they would have loved to though.


Miss an episode?  Click HERE you Sissy-Bitches!

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Friday, April 05, 2013

Anderson Cooper's Face Says It All

I love this one.  Anderson's face is like "Are you f'n serious with this shit?"  The people that believe this sort of thing are as crazy as the North Koreans are...


Thursday, April 04, 2013

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Monday, April 01, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 62

The Time Mookie Worked Third Shift Stocking Shelves (Part II)

First of all, I hope everyone had a lovely Easter holiday, which of course is hilariously followed by today...April Fool's Day.  That makes me laugh for some reason.  But anyway.  I was going to do a silly "April Fool's" type story, but opted not to because that's stupid.  The only April Fools element this one has is the fact that it is a bit late.  Consider it a "Monday Afternoon Story."

If you remember back several months ago, I shared a story (Episode 25) about where I had been working third-shift at a local retail store.  I thought today would be an appropriate time to provide you with an "update" of sorts, and let you know how that situation is going.

The situation itself in a nutshell is pretty much "the same."  I have been there a little over a year now, and I am pretty much doing the same thing.  I unload trucks, stock shelves, and basically handle anything else related to those activities.  The one thing I mentioned in the previous story that has changed is the "characters" I am involved with on a day-to-day basis.  There is usually a new face amongst the night crew at least every week, and it always seems like they never last more than a few weeks.  I never hear if they up and quit or if management relieved them of their duties because they suck.  I just know that I don't get too chummy with people because they may not be there tomorrow.  Its kind of sad when you think about it, but that's retail.

In addition to some of the new people that have come and gone, I must share with you the details about a few of the "long-term people" I have met since Episode 25.  Just so you know....if it weren't for these people...I could not write this story....I swear to God.  I'm not even sure where I should start when describing the truck-load of insanity these people bring to the table.  But as a service to you, and because I love you....dammit I'm going to try.

As I have said before, people who work third shift are a bit "off."  I'm not sure if they are this way because they work third shift, or if they work third shift because they are this way.  It is probably a bit of both.  I've dealt with third shift people before, but when it comes to watching and listening to the people who work the third shift at this store, it enters another whole new realm of "weird" I have never seen before.  I have to admit that most of them are super nice people, but then there are a few that scare the b'jesus out of me.  At the top of the list is "Kyle.(*)

Kyle has been working at this store for a good five years now or so - at least that is what he tells me.  But that isn't all that Kyle has told me though.  In addition to working third shift here at this store, he has also told me (or I have over-heard him telling others) that he: has been training to be a cage fighter, has a degree in business and culinary arts, is training to become a pilot, is training to become a certified parachute jump-master, has ongoing training in various martial arts, can speak 15-different-languages, is a trained firearm marksman and enjoys taking vacations where he can shoot off random rare firearms, has had his back and leg broken in pursuit of the above-mentioned cage fighting expertise, has over $400,000 in the bank so he doesn't really have to worry about money, runs over 15 miles at least 3 times a week, and because of this exercise regimen - has to eat between 5000 and 7000 calories a day.  I'm pretty sure that isn't all he has mentioned, but its what I recall in this sitting.  I must add that he is supposedly in training to become a "team lead" at the store because he is "sick of telling all the store managers and other team leads how to do their jobs."  This guy is a piece of work.  He is the epitome of the lady Kristen Wiig played on SNL that had to one-up everyone's story or achievement.  I don't know if he has low-self-esteem and is trying to sound impressive, or if he is just a total crack-pot.  At first it was interesting hearing these things, but then it started getting really weird.  I don't even know if this guy is 30 years old, so for him to have done all of the above stuff he has mentioned... he must lead quite the charmed life.  Especially since...you know...he works at a flippin' retail store on third shift  And if he HAS done all this stuff, that is just WEIRD.

One reason I started to think he was full of shit was the day he brought up the running 15 miles a day thing.  He is a dorky looking kid who does not have the appearance of a terribly fit individual - let alone a cage fighter / martial arts trainee / long distance runner.  In addition to the 15 mile run, he mentioned how he also did a bunch of other physical stuff that day as well.  It was by far the fullest day in achievements I've ever heard someone do - never mind the fact he supposedly did it all AFTER running 15 miles.  I mentioned to him that I have trained for - and - ran three marathons, so I could relate to running that much.  I explained that my training regimen took me on runs upward of 20 miles sometimes over 15-18 weeks.  So not only is there the difficulty of DOING the distance, but the immense amount of TIME it actually took to do it as well.  It was odd because he quickly shut up about the running stuff after that and I haven't heard him bragging about it since.  Of course he's back to training for the cage fighting thing so I'm sure he doesn't have time to run.

Our next third shift weirdo is a guy named "Trevor (*)." God bless him, Trevor was one of THE most annoying people I have ever had the pleasure of working with.  He didn't work too hard, and when he did work - he was slow as hell.  Plus he had one of those personalities that made you wonder if he was a serial killer or not.  He was just odd.  He talked constantly about anything and everything, but mostly it was the minutia about dork stuff like Magic Cards, Dr. Who, and Star Trek. I have no problem with people being fans of this stuff, and I can usually carry on a "topical" conversation about these things, but I am certainly not a super fan about this stuff - nor do I want to be.  Sadly poor Trevor was more about talking and less about working, and it wasn't long before he started pissing me off.  If he would have been working it might have been easier to take, but he was NOT.  I have to add that when it's 3AM and I'm trying to get shit done, I don't have a lot of patience for someone discussing why a particular guy who played Dr. Who was "better" than someone else.  One day I was being moderately nice (albeit stupid) and engaged him in conversation while we stocked the granola bar aisle.  He let me know that during his days off that he likes to write.  As I enjoy writing myself, I stupidly asked him what he wrote.  He told me he likes to write "science fiction short stories" that he hoped to get published one day, and various other things.  It was then that a little voice in the back of my head goes "you like to write stupid stories too!"  I have to admit that I briefly had a small panic attack and wondered if I was more like Trevor than I cared to admit.  "I like to write, and I work third shift at a retail store stocking shelves.  OH MY GOD I'M LIKE TREVOR!!!"  I quickly shook off this thought and came to my senses that I was not like Trevor.   At least I hope not.  Poor Trevor was thankfully let go not long after he started due to his sorry work ethic.  I fully expected to find him waiting outside some morning, ready to mow down everyone with a gun.  Thankfully he has never re-surfaced and I haven't seen his face in the papers for some horrific act.

Then there is a lady named "Pam" (*) who also scares me.  She allegedly worked at a chain store in California, and then moved here for some reason I haven't heard.  She reportedly worked the "day shift" at her previous store in CA, so the rules and regulations of the third shift situation immediately chapped her ass.  The biggest one was the fact that the doors are locked and you can't go outside and smoke on break.  If you have ever heard a smoker bitch about how they can't smoke...you know what sort of travesty this was.  She's always complaining about the tasks she has to do, and how she doesn't need to be told how to do them.  "I know what I'm doing."  In the end she always does them they way they tell her though, so I think that's why they haven't let her go yet.

Pam's physical appearance also gives you a heads up to her level of "crazy" as well. She is always changing her hair color to something scary and odd looking, so much so that my mind screams "HOLY HELL!" when I see her on a given night.  The sad part is that she could probably be "OK" looking if she tried, but apparently she enjoys her trashy clothes that look like she paints them on before she comes to work.  One day as I left work, I saw that she was sitting on a bench just outside the front door - smoking - and presumably waiting for a ride.  To be nice I said "goodbye" to her and told her to "have a good day" (Standard remark to everyone when leaving).  The "nice guy" in me thought "I wonder if she needs a ride?"  The "common sense guy" in me IMMEDIATELY kicked me in the balls for thinking such a thing and said "ARE YOU CRAZY?  Do you know what she might do to you if you gave her a ride?"  The nightmares and nasty thoughts were horrific (death/sexual assault).  I walked briskly to my car and left.

Then of course there is "Larry.(*)"  I didn't mention Larry by name in my last story, but I did bring him up in the fact he is the deaf guy that inadvertently makes me look like a jackass from time to time.  I have to share the fact he got me again the other night.  We were unloading the truck, and the pallets of merchandise behind me were piling up pretty good.  Normally there are people assigned to move the pallets out to the floor as they fill up, that way the people on the line unloading the truck can focus on that instead of scrambling around full pallets and falling behind on the unload.  We were all scrambling because no one was coming in a timely manner to pick up pallets.  I got frustrated and asked the team lead on duty: "Dude, do we have anyone pulling f'n pallets?  Where they hell are they???  Can you page them?" The team lead said "Yeah we have someone, but it's Larry.  I can't page him because HE CAN'T HEAR.  He's deaf you know"

GOD DAMMMMMMMIT!!!!
I'm sure it won't be the last time Larry gets me either.

Stay tuned, as I'm sure I will be back again in the near future with another update to the crazy people I see on third shift.  It's almost a definite.

(*)  Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to catch up!!