Monday, December 30, 2013

Whale Tail? How About Shark Fin



Monday Morning Stories With Mookie

Hey folks, due to the holiday I have to take a "vacation day" this week as I haven't had time to get a story together.

I hope you and your loved ones had a jolly and happy holiday.

The Monday Morning Story will return next week for its 99th Episode.

Thanks!
Mookie - and the staff at Breathtaking and Inappropriate

Friday, December 27, 2013

Christmas News Hilarity

Ohio Wife Torches Husband’s Truck After Getting Crock Pot and Cheap Lingerie for Xmas

Ohiowoman4
DAYTON — Police arrested 34-year old Tracy Waters yesterday morning after she allegedly set fire to her husband Dave’s 2013 Chevy Silverado Crew Cab in a rage over her Christmas gifts.
“He gave me a slow-cooker and these red nylon crotchless panties with a push-up bra,” Mrs. Waters told police.
“The bra had tassels for fuck sake. Tassels.”
Police have charged Mrs. Waters with arson, assault with a weapon (“a 4-gallon ceramic crock pot with corn-on-the-cob pattern”) and using foul language in public.
Mr. Waters told the Dayton Daily News that he was excited about his gifts for his wife and doesn’t understand why she became angry and turned violent.
“Good food, good lovin’, and a good truck were all I wanted for Christmas,” said the 37-year-old warehouse worker sporting a swollen-shut right eye.
“Now the truck’s gone, the wife’s gone, and she even broke the crock pot.”
Police and fire responded to a duplex in the city’s southeast after neighbors called emergency saying there was a vehicle on fire and a woman was observed throwing armfuls of what appeared to be men’s clothing onto the flames.
Sarah Palin told FOX News that this is another example of the attack of Christmas.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas!

From everyone here at the offices of Breathtaking and Inappropriate, we wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 98

The Time Mookie Made Fun Of His Friend's Christmas Present

This one goes back to my youth, and one I have always thought was pretty funny.

When I was a kid, my friend "Rick*" and I would often call each other late Christmas afternoon or evening and see what each other got. One particular year, the phone call took a rather ugly turn when I tried to make a joke during our conversation and it was NOT well received.
The exchange went pretty close to this:

Mookie: I got a SWEET remote control dune buggy.  It's pretty awesome.
Rick:  Nice. I got a remote control car too.
Mookie:  Oh yeah? You probably got one of those cars that has the cord attached to the remote and you have to follow it around.

This was followed by silence on the other end of the phone. In quickly realizing that he DID get a car that has the cord attached to the remote - I started laughing.
There is nothing "remote control"
about this shit.

Needless to say - Rick hung up on me.

When I called him back, I apologized but he wasn't terribly happy about it. He said he received the gift from his grandmother, and probably cost like $5.00. I again apologized and I think all was forgiven, but I'm sure he hated me for it.

Years later when I was "best man" at Rick's wedding, I actually revisited this story during my speech after dinner. I said how I had laughed at the gift he received all those years ago, and felt really bad about it. I then said that he had received a gift that day - a new wife who pledged to love him forever - and that was something I would never laugh at. It was corny but hey - it worked.

So this Christmas season folks, remember two things:
1. Don't laugh at anyone's gift; and
2. Don't give your kids shitty remote control cars where there is a cord connecting the car and the remote. Some people out there may not follow rule number one.

Happy Holidays everyone.

(*) Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Never Too Young For Metal

That girl is SO going backstage.


Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 97

The Time Mookie And Friends Wore Matching Shirts To School
And Freaked Everyone Out

This is by far one of the stupidest stories ever, and for some reason it created quite a stir in our little town high school when we did it. Enjoy.
You must watch
this movie.

Back when we were in high school, my friends and I went through a "phase" where we thought we were totally awesome billiard players. My friend "Rick*" had a pool table in his basement, and we spend endless hours shooting pool and practicing trick shots we'd seen on TV. In addition to being barely competent pool players, we were AVID fans of the movie "The Color of Money." If you have not seen this movie, I'm telling you right now that you really should because it is awesome. Even though Tom Cruise is a total crackpot these days, there is no disputing that the guy is AWESOME on the big screen. Paul Newman also gives an unforgettable performance, and was rewarded with an Academy Award for it.

The movie was released in 1986, and stars Tom Cruise, Paul Newman, and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (she's HAWT). Newman reprised his character "Fast Eddie" that he had previously played in the 1961 movie "The Hustler." "The Color of Money" tells the story of how a retired professional billiard player (Fast Eddie Felson) hears/sees Cruise's character (Vincent) shooting pool against some other fellow in a bar. He immediately becomes engrossed in Vincent's game, and sees a lot of himself in Vincent. Eddie decides to take Vincent under his wing, and take he and Vincent's girlfriend "Carmen" on a cross-country pool hustle to make a boat-load of money. When he goes to Vincent's place of business to pitch him the idea, he finds Vincent in a retail toy store (similar to Toys R' Us) where his "uniform is jeans and a black t-shirt with his name "VINCE" in white letters across the chest. Eddie encourages Vincent to wear the "Vince shirt" on a few pool hustling excursions to display his cockiness and throw off his opponents.
Best shirt ever.

Needless to say..my friends and I took inspiration from this - and after a trip to the t-shirt shop at the mall - the four of us ended up with our own version of the "Vince shirt" - only with our nicknames instead of the name "Vince."

My shirt of course said "MOOKIE." 
Rick's said "SLIM" because he was losing weight at the time (plus it was a cool pool name).
"Russ's*" shirt said "RUSS." and
"Devin*" had "SHARK" (because he saw himself as the best stick in the group, which he may have been - but we never let him think that).

These shirts were so cool (at least we thought they were) that we decided that we needed to all wear them on the same day to school...because that would be even cooler. So the following Monday morning we all wore our shirts to school, and for some reason EVERYONE took notice. We fielded questions all day from our friends as to what the point of the shirts were, why we were wearing them, and either received a "COOL!" exclamation or a dismissive eye-roll because they thought we were idiots. I still remember standing up in Speech Class giving an assigned 5-minute "introduction-type" speech about Jim Morrison - while wearing my MOOKIE shirt, black pinstripe Z Cavaricci dress pants, and black boots. I was classy.

After attending a few classes, it wasn't long before word got around the teaching staff that there were four of us rolling around the school in matching dark shirts - that were clearly not part of a school-sponsored activity. As a result of such, by lunch each of us had received some sort of third-degree questioning from a school administrator. I want to say one or two of us were even pulled out of class and into the hallway to see what the attire was all about. I remember most teachers being good-humored about it - especially since they knew we were all "good boys," but it seemed they didn't want to take any chances that there may be a "gang" on the premises. Yeah..we were a gang alright...a gang of silly d-bags with an over-active appreciation for Tom Cruise characters. This was way before Columbine, 9/11, or any of the scary school shootings - so the idea they were so up-tight about the shirts was sort of odd at that point in time. Its still a little odd now, but I can see where they'd be concerned these days.

I don't remember if we ever all wore them in "unison" again, but I know we randomly wore them throughout the rest of that school year, and they continued to get quality responses when we did. I only wish we'd have taken a group picture with them, because that's one thing I don't think we did.
That would have been a nice keepsake.

I have to report that I still have the shirt in a box of my belongings. It would be a little tight, but I should pull that bad-boy out.

(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent.



Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Monday, December 09, 2013

Is Google A Boy Or A Girl?

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 96

The Time Mookie Turned 40 Years Old

I don't really have much for you today, but I thought that I should share that later this week -

I'm turning 40 years old.
40! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahhh!

Up until now I hadn't thought about it too much, mainly because I don't make a big deal out of birthdays. I don't mind people wishing me Happy Birthday, but I don't like it when people make a production out of it. I have to admit that I'm a little concerned about what some of the people I work with are going to do because they know its my 40th. My wife is also rather devious sometimes, and is liable to do something to rattle my cage. She mentioned something once upon a time about "hijacking" my website here, but I don't know if she's still planning that. Its not like I leave the "keys in the ignition" here, but if she wanted to do it I'm sure she could figure it out. Hopefully she isn't planning a "surprise" party like she did for my 30th. I will tell that story some day, as it is both funny and made me look like a jackass.

But as the day approaches here this week - I have found myself thinking about my birthday more and more for some reason. Not in a "Oh woe is me I'm getting old" sort of way though (even though it feels that way a lot of days). Its been more like a "Wow I've seen and done a lot of stuff in 40 years."

I've been lots of places, and seen/done so many things that I never imagined I'd get to do in life. The scary part is (hopefully) my life is only about half over - so the idea that another 40 years of memories and events probably lies in store is a little overwhelming when I think about it. Obviously not all of it will be great - because not everything is - but I hope I can make the most of what I have and continue to learn from the things that do not go well.

But then there are the things that make it great. I have a beautiful and wonderful wife, two great kids, wonderfully awesome parents, two bad ass sisters (and their huge families), and a batch of great friends that keep me laughing, keep me humble, and most of all...they love me. Some days I don't know why....but they do - and I am grateful and thankful they are all in my life.

So today's Monday Morning Story story isn't really a story, but I guess its more of a "40-Year victory lap." Needless to say a lot of people have helped me "make it" to 40, and I want to thank them all.

However, in classic Monday Morning Story fashion - I will "give" you something to think about, and leave you with a few nuggets of wisdom some wise people have told me over the years.  They make me smile, and help me get through each and every day. They are definitely words to live by - or maybe not. Maybe they are just words.  But perhaps you can find something of value in them too.

My friend Rick handed me this nugget when I was complaining of being financially poor:
Me:  "I’m worth more dead that I am alive."
Rick: "Now Mookie, don't say that. You can't put a price on being a father, a life-companion, or even sex.  Because truth be told Mookie - I've been told you are worth a lot in the bedroom. If you know what I mean."

My father explaining the finer points of household spices:
"Sugar is sweet. Pepper is not."

And finally the thing my grandfather always said to me whenever I left his house, and was even the last thing he said to me before he died:
"Be careful." 

There you go.  Have a good one ladies and gentlemen. I know I will.


Thursday, December 05, 2013

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Best Spam E-Mail Of The Day

I just found this in my Spam folder.

-----Original Message-----
From: Andrew Huth [mailto:capt.andrewhuth@usmilitary.org]
Sent: Monday, December 02, 2013 4:54 PM
Subject: Urgent Assistance need


I am Capt. Andrew Huth presently in Afghanistan  for peace keeping mission,
i need your urgent help to move $8,600,000.00 million,
please note this is not a stolen money.

Get back to me Via:(capt.andrewhut@qq.com) for details

I totally love how they try to make it sound "legit" with the "please note this is not stolen money" comment. 

"Yeah sure. I'll help you total stranger. Do you want my SSN, bank account#, and my high school locker combination too??

Jackass.

My All-Time Favorite Joke Ever

That Is One Hell Of A Storm

Its the hip movements that really sell it.

Monday, December 02, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 95

The Time Mookie Learned To Hate "The Little Drummer Boy"

Due to the fact I am short on time in part because of the holiday, AND because I was reminded of this hatred this past Saturday night...I felt the need to revisit this topic. My previous (and somewhat mysteriously similar) rant about this song can be found HERE.

I'm going to share something that my family and a few close friends know: 

I HATE the Christmas song "Little Drummer Boy." 

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Of all the terrible Christmas songs out there - and there are many (I'm looking right at you "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer) - "Little Drummer Boy" is by far the worst one ever made.

Now you are probably thinking to yourself, "Mookie, how can you hate such a wonderful song? It is beautiful and carries the joyous story about the birth of Jesus."

My reply is: That's great, but the song sucks and it is the most annoying thing ever. I shall explain my reasoning.

First, a little history on the song itself.
According to my friends at Wikipedia, the song "Little Drummer Boy" (originally titled "Carol of the Drum") was composed in 1941 by Katherine K. Davis. It became popular in 1958 after the Harry Simeone Chorale recorded it and released it again, and again and again.  The current version is credited to Davis, Simeone and Henry Onorati. As of now it has been recorded by anyone and everyone that has contributed to a Christmas compilation album.  There is allegedly over 220 versions of this song in at least 7 different languages and different genres of music. GOOD GOD.

As you know, the basis of the song is that a poor drummer boy was summoned to the nativity scene to see the new King and he had no gift for the baby Jesus. So with the old Virgin Mary's approval, the drummer boy played the best little drum solo he had ever played for the new King. The end result of course was that the little drummer boy's drum solo was so awesome that the infant/baby Jesus smiled at the drummer boy. Oh, and his drum.

Yeah sure. The baby Jesus smiled at you because you went "pa rum pum pum pum" on your drum. Wait...I'm sorry...you didn't do it just once....If you count the number of times "pa rum pum pum pum" is uttered in the song, it counts up to TWENTY ONE *%#ing times. I'm not much for repeating something that much.  Do you know what I would do if my 6 year old played that on his little drum set more than 5 times? Smile? Hardly.

For whatever the reason, I can trace my deep dislike of that song as far back as the age of 5. I remember sitting in a music class in Kindergarten and singing that song every day for weeks. I'm not sure if it was all the "pa rum pum pum pum"-ming or if it was the seemingly absurdity of the lyrics like the line "the ox and lamb kept time - pa rum pum pum pum."  All I know is that I did not like the song and my utter hatred of it has only grown since then.

I think the song finally became a true Hell for me at the tender age of 20 when I was an "Associate" working at Wal-Mart. While that store is a Hell in itself, throw in the fact that during the Christmas Season (typically Thanksgiving until December 27th) the overhead PA played Christmas music ALL day and ALL night. I worked at Wal-Mart for 6 straight Christmas seasons. In reflecting on that time, I can honestly say that I probably heard at least some version of EVERY Christmas song ever made up until that time.

Most Christmas songs as you know are cheery and up-tempo. "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," "Jingle Bells," and "Deck The Halls" are prime examples of this. Even some of the low-tempo songs like "Silent Night," "White Christmas," and even "The Christmas Song(Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)" are tolerable. The song "Little Drummer Boy" is dreary as hell. The long drawn out syllables in short sentences ("IIIIIIIMMMMMM a poor boy tooooo") and of course the repeated "pa rum pum pum pum" 21 times is more than I can handle.

As I said before, there are over 220 versions in the world of this song. I'm pretty certain I heard all of them in my 6 years at Wal-Mart.  In an 8-hour shift, I bet it was played in some fashion at least 8 times. I have yet to hear someone I like sing it and change my view on it.  Johnny Cash, Chicago, Bob Seger, and even the Brady Bunch have all tried and failed to make the song listenable to me. To make matters worse, when I heard that Justin Bieber has also released a version of it on his Christmas album - I almost drove my car off a bridge. As you know, Bieber is the worst. Add "The Little Drummer Boy" to the equation and you are talking cruel and unusual punishment.

So you are probably thinking, "Mookie, you are just being silly" or possibly "Mookie, you need serious help." I whole-heartedly agree.  I do need help. I need people to help me get that song banned. It is awful. Someone needs to put a hole in the Little Drummer Boy's drum and break his sticks.  NOW.


Sadly, that song and the 6-year term at Wal-Mart caused me to dislike most Christmas music for many years thereafter. However in recent years I have somewhat recovered from the post-traumatic-stress syndrome caused by the Wal-Mart/Drummer Boy Hell years and do enjoy Christmas music in moderation.  "The 12 Days of Christmas" is a somewhat horrible song but when I hear the versions done by John Denver with the Muppets, and Bob and Doug McKenzie, it gets me in the Christmas mood. Throw in Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with Clarence Clemons on the sax and it is great. It makes me like Christmas again.  

So these days if I get an inkling that the next song I hear is going to be "Little Drummer Boy, you can be sure I will do everything in my power not hear that God-forsaken song. It is a horrible and traumatizing song and it ruins whats left of my Christmas spirit. 

Just the other night I was working my third-shift gig and some wise guy decided to play the Christmas music station over the P.A. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened....and sure enough...they played it. Naturally, the lady I was working with goes "Oh this is my favorite Christmas song." I just looked at her with a face like someone just shat their pants. She goes "What, you don't like this song?" With as much respect and consideration as I could muster for 3:30 in the morning, I went:
"No. This song sucks."
She asked why, so I told her this very same story. Afterwards she said she could understand why I felt the way I did, but I think she was just being nice. 

So it goes without saying that my fight to end the broadcast of "The Little Drummer Boy" is one I probably won't win due to the fact that so many people love it.  BUT..if I should succeed some day, please know that "Do You Hear What I Hear" (by everyone) and that horrible 80's song by Band Aid - "Do They Know Its Christmas" are next on my list of songs to eradicate. You're welcome.

Thank you for time. I now have to go back to listening to my kid on his drum set.
Pa rum pum pum pum.



Miss a previous episode of Monday Morning Stories?  CLICK HERE!