Monday, August 05, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 80

The Time Mookie Saw "Stifler's Mom"

I had to travel to the Dallas area last week for work, and I have to tell you - Texas is kind of like your high school girlfriend: sweaty, flat, and boring.  Initially, the only thing I was looking forward to about the entire trip was being able to do the old "Are you going to Dallas?" joke with my wife and select friends again. If you don't know this joke...click HERE to see it.  Its one of my favorites.

Anyway.....The trip was fairly uneventful, and I have to say that pretty much everyone I encountered was very delightful.  For me...that's saying something - because I normally hate everyone.  We ate nice meals every night and even took in a Texas Rangers game, so I can't complain too much.  I just can't understand how they put up with that heat everyday.  It was 103 degrees one day - That's just not right.

The day I returned home I had to get up early, gas up and return the rental car, and then take a bus from the car rental place to the airport.  Once I got to the airport, I got checked in fairly quickly, checked my bag, and then assumed my place in what looked to be a MILE LONG line for the security checkpoint.  Since I was early for my flight and had no concerns about missing it, I sucked it up and patiently stood in line like all of the other sheep that were herded there.  As I was standing there, I heard this "CLOP CLOP CLOP" noise coming from behind me.  I turned around to see a very colorful looking woman, dressed to the nines in a very fashionable outfit, big chunky heels (the source of the CLOP CLOP CLOP), and a very familiar look walking towards me.  She walked past me a ways as though she was looking for someone, and then came back to the end of the line and stood in line behind me.  It was when she was walking back towards me I figured out who this woman was:

HOLY SHIT IT'S "STIFLER'S MOM!"
Stifler's Mom and Finch in American Pie.  He was a lucky boy.

If you have seen any of the "American Pie" movies, you know who I'm talking about.  If you haven't seen these movies....why not??  The actress's real name is Jennifer Coolidge, and she is a hilarious and wonderfully talented person.  She has also been in several other movies ("Legally Blonde," "A Cinderella Story,"), plus she has been on several TV shows over the years ("Joey," "Nip/Tuck," "Sex and the City").  She is currently starring as a recurring character on the CBS show "2 Broke Girls."  I hear its a funny show.

So I turn around and smile at her, but quickly notice she is very preoccupied in finding whoever she was apparently looking for a few seconds ago.  I face-forward again and begin to think about what I should do here.  Do I turn around and tell her I recognize her and think she's very funny?  Do I ask her if I can get a picture with her?  It was then that one of the evil voices in my brain comes forth and says "You should do the "MILF" chant like in the movie "American Pie!"  Needless to say my common-sense was running at full-steam that morning, so there was no chance I was going to "let myself" do that.

Jennifer Coolidge - Not a bad looking broad
Just as I was about to turn around and ask the lady if she was "Jennifer Coolidge," some lady came walking around the security line, got Ms. Coolidge's attention and hustled my celebrity target out of the security line.  I watched as she escorted her up to another gate of the TSA screening area, and what appeared to be "first class" security area - and she was gone.

I suddenly knew what Finch felt like in American Pie 2 when he went the whole summer anticipating the appearance of Stifler's Mom, only to be denied that pleasure.  Of course the movie ended with Finch banging her in her car, but that is beside the point here.

This little event essentially confirmed two things for me - one of which I already knew:
1.  This was more than likely her, especially due to the first class treatment she was getting; and
2.  I will never ever be lucky enough to be first class anything.

In hindsight - I wish I would have been drunk, threw caution to the wind and actually did the "MILF" chant.  Yeah sure it would have caused a scene, caused the TSA to detain me, and probably arrest me on some bullshit terrorism charge...but man it would be have been AWESOME.

Miss a previous episode?  Click HERE to check out the past events to get caught up!

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