Monday, February 18, 2013

Monday Morning Stories With Mookie - Episode 56

The Time Mookie and Megan Got A Never-Ending
Playboy Subscription For Free

February is a memorable time of year for me.  No it's not because of Valentine's Day, President's Day, or even Black History Month.  February is memorable for the reason that follows in today's story.

When "Megan (*)" and I moved back to Iowa from Colorado Springs, we did the normal things a person does when they move: close accounts with the utilities, and leave a forwarding address with the post office.  As we had gotten married in the previous year, Megan set up forwards for our mail with our "married" names, as well as one for her maiden last name.  Again, standard protocol.

Fast-forward two months.

As Megan and I got home from work one day, we made a routine stop at the mailbox to see what sort of nonsense was waiting for us.  It was the usual random stack of crap, so we took it up to the apartment and figured we'd look at it once we got settled.  When Megan was going through the mail later, she came to a rectangle shaped item that was wrapped in black plastic.  She looked at the addressee's name, and it definitely wasn't one of us.  She said "Can you take this back down to the mailbox so the postman gets it. It isn't ours."

So I picked up the peculiar package and started walking it back downstairs.  As I was going down the stairs, I noticed the plastic that the item was enclosed in was clear at the ends.  From this I could easily tell that the item was a magazine.  Since I am curious by nature, I wanted to see what the magazine was without opening the plastic.  Very carefully I slid the plastic down a bit so that the clear part moved down onto the the cover and hopefully would reveal the title.  I was able to see the top part of the magazine title, but could not entirely make it out.  What I could tell was that it was a seven-lettered title made up of CAPITAL LETTERS.  I thought for a second about where I had seen something like that before.  OHHHHHHHH!!!  I pulled the plastic down again with a bit more force than before, and I was easily able to make out the title.  PLAYBOY. Hell. Yes.

I looked at the addressee again and noticed Megan was correct - it was not addressed to us.  HOWEVER the address it was FORWARDED from was the same as one we had in Colorado - minus the apartment number.  The person it was addressed to was a gentleman named "Kenneth."  We did not share the same last name, but the first four letters of his last name matched that of Megan's maiden name.  So that somewhat explained why we got it.  I told myself that the mailman was NOT getting this item and quickly turned around and headed back up the stairs.

I entered the apartment and exclaimed something to Megan along the lines of "HOLY SHIT.  This is a Playboy.  We are not returning this."  And do you know what?  To Megan's credit, she didn't make me.  All she said was "Hold on.  I get to look at it first."  Seriously...my wife is awesome.

Ahhh Miss Cindy
So when we got settled we sat down and perused the magazine together.  Much like the joke goes, we did enjoy it for "the articles," but we also critiqued the various pictorials and centerfold.  "Those are fake. Fake.  Airbrushed.  Who poses like that?  Ooh she's pretty."  After we finished our review of our free sample, we had a good laugh about it and figured it was a one-time thing.

Fast-forward another month, and you can guess what happened again.  That's right:  Another free Playboy....and it continued coming every month.  We wondered what sort of glitch happened here, and if Kenneth was getting snubbed on his subscription, or if they were simply mailing two.  I didn't care, because you know....free porn.

Then when Megan and I bought a house in a different town, obviously I was curious if our free nudity would follow us to our new address.  Again we set up forwards for our mail with our married names as well as Megan's maiden name, and I hoped this would do the trick.  Sure enough, our gravy train of Playboy followed us to our new home.  It was awesome.

I'm sure you are wondering what we did with all of these magazines.  We usually gave them away to a few people, or they would end up in the recycle bin.  I know...terrible right?

Then...this was horrible...there was a two-month stretch where we didn't get the magazine.  Megan and I were both crushed because it was the end of a very funny situation.  Plus we really did enjoy reading the articles.  Honestly, the Playboy Advisor and the normal celebrity interview were good reads.  In a weird coincidence, the Publishers Clearing House thing was going on around this time and Megan saw that their offer for Playboy was way cheap.  So she signed us up.  A month later, the Playboy returned to the mailbox and all was well with the world.

The "Tiffany" issue was an
anticipated one at our house
Well...except for the fact the addressee was not one of us.  It was for our old friend "Kenneth!"  Ohh noo.  Sure enough, when the Publishers Clearing House subscription kicked in we were receiving TWO of the same black plastic-wrapped magazine every month - one addressed to us, and one to Kenneth.  This continued for a whole year until the subscription in our name ran out.  The only benefit to this was that we had more porn to share with family and friends.

The subscription that continued to come in Kenneth's name always had whatever year was coming up next, and the month of February printed on the address label.  We figured out that this was when the end date of the subscription, and every year when February came around we wondered if that would be the end of our subscription.  For several years I was always overjoyed to see the March issue of Playboy show up, and how the subscription end date on the mailing address moved up another year.

Then finally one March, after approximately 10 to 12 years (that's right 10+ years of free porn), the end of an era finally arrived and the issues stopped coming.  A wise person once said that "all good things must come to an end."  I have to say that our decade of having free boobs delivered monthly to our mailbox was definitely a nice thing while it lasted, but when it ended I have to admit I didn't really care.  The novelty of free porn had certainly worn off, and it was no secret that I had become pretty disappointed in the magazine towards there end.  The interviews were lame, and the girls they showed were nothing spectacular.  Seriously, the idea of seeing Pam Anderson and Jenny McCarthy pose nude lost it's luster after their 2nd or 3rd pictorial.  It was like they did a new photo shoot every time they got a new boob job, which is just sad.


So while I am not missing the free subscription anymore, I do smile when I think back on that period in time, and think about the anticipation of wondering whether the subscription was going to be renewed or not when February came rolling around.

While I have thought about sending Kenneth a "thank you" of some sort over the years, I didn't know how to best go about it.  But since I have this blog, I suppose this will have to do.

Kenneth - Thank you for the endless subscription to Playboy you unknowingly sent to my home for many years.  Please know it was not only enjoyed by those in my household, but was passed on and shared with many others as well.  Having said that, I am also going to say that I hope our paths never cross again, because God knows what other perverse things you are into.  Why do I say this?  Because towards the end of the Playboy subscription I received correspondence addressed to you from the "Adam and Eve" website, and it said the Playboy subscription was a gift from "them to you" for being such a "good customer" of theirs.

Wow.
(*) - Names changed to protect the guilty/innocent


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