Friday, May 22, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
After 33 years, David Letterman signs off for the last time tonight. During the last month of the show, celebrity after celebrity and friend after friend have been guests on the show and have let him know he will be missed. I for one will miss him too.
Even though I have not been the fervent viewer I used to be, I could always count on Dave for a laugh when I needed it. As a high schooler, I taped his show every night and watched it the next morning before school. To this day, I STILL break out a quote or two I learned from Letterman's late night shtick when the social occaision calls for it.
Donde esta la playa nudista?
Dave, thank you for making me laugh.
I can't wait to see what you do next.
Monday, May 18, 2015
I've learned recently that when two geese hook up and mate, they mate for life. This struck me as odd because I figured they were greasy bastards and their goal would be to make as many little honkers as they could. You are probably saying "aww that's sweet." which it sort of is. But these things are tremendous bastards, so it negates any sweetness involved.
When Momma Goose gets herself in the "family way" (GOOSE SEX) and is ready to pop out some eggs, she starts making a nest where ever the EFF she wants - and I mean anywhere. It could be out in the prairie grass, next to a tree in the parking lot, or it could be RIGHT along a paved walking trail. Once she gets settled and pops her eggs: that's it - she's not going ANYWHERE until those little fuggers hatch. Daddy Goose has the job of being as bad ass as he can and protect the Momma Goose at all costs. He struts around the perimeter of the Mom's nest and keeps look-out for any incoming trouble. If trouble comes-a-knocking, Daddy Goose does not eff around. He'll start hissing and making nasty noises, then if that doesn't work he'll start on the dead run towards his enemy. If that doesn't work, you better say your prayers mister because IT IS ON. Daddy Goose will open his wings and attack - honking, pecking, and flapping his wings at the enemy until they are deterred or possibly dead. I'm not joking when I say this: it is frightening to watch and even more so to be on the receiving end of this shit.
My co-worker has been attacked twice now. The first time she didn't even know there was a nesting goose in the vicinity to where she was walking into work from the parking lot. Daddy Goose came at her full blast and knocked her down to the ground. Ever since then she has been terrified of these things. She swears that they can "smell" her fear. The second time she was accosted the goose just flew at her out of no where. Luckily she was able to duck and run and was no worse for the wear. Every spring time at work, its only a matter of time before our HR sends out email notices about hostile geese on the property and to give the animals some space. This year they went as far as to put orange cones in the areas where the nests are so you know to avoid them. They did this only after they knocked down some poor bastard who hit their head on the pavement and got a concussion. Even with the cones, the Daddy Goose likes to make his protective perimeter bigger every so often, so no matter how careful you are that son of a bitch comes honking and hissing at you until you run away.
As the weather got nicer this spring, I opted to stay inside and run on the treadmills instead of fending off the geese around the trail outside. From the comfort of my treadmill, I watched others run a little too close to the orange-coned areas and then saw them hauling ass while the greasy Daddy goose went flapping in their direction. It was scary to watch and a little funny too, because it was like watching a horror movie where you know the bad guy is behind the door with the axe, but the girl is walking in anyway without a clue.
|The gauntlet of geese|
Eventually it looked the the attacks were subsiding, so I got brave and decided to take my chances outside. I watched others walking around the pond with no issue, so I thought I would follow their path and hoped for the best. As I set out, I quickly noticed nothing short of about 50 geese milling about the immediate area and wondered if they were ALL going to ambush me. For the most part they stayed out of the way and were no trouble. I knew that the real trouble lie in wait out by the coned areas, so I made sure I hustled past the outskirts of that area and was well on my way. I did a full lap around the property and was just finishing up my short lap around the pond when I decided that I had enough energy to make another short lap. So I started the second lap by continuing on past the building and through the gaggle of geese milling around again. That was when I saw trouble up ahead: one lone goose sitting RIGHT in the middle of the path. Shit. So I did what any sensible person would do, detour off onto another trail leading away from the pond and towards another building on campus. It was somewhat near a coned area, but not too close. Well, apparently the Daddy Goose in that area was on a large perimeter patrol because the next thing I saw was this goose running at me and honking like nobody's business. "HOLY SHIT" I said out loud and I sprinted off the sidewalk out into the yard thinking that would be enough, but no. I turned around to see this shithead still coming at me and I could tell he was ready to get his wings involved. Needless to say I got the hell out of there. As soon as I got away from him and up towards my building I realized I had two feelings in mind: 1. I did not feel like running anymore; and 2. I was PISSED.
|I came up behind these assholes and had to stop running.|
That one on the left is hissing at me and letting me know he does not
like me. The feeling is mutual there Chet.
I know we are supposed to let nature be and we are living in their world too, but still. I don't know why they have to be such butt-munches and have to park right next to where people are. I'm pretty sure they do it on purpose.
Seriously though, I am thankful my encounters have only been verbal warnings and have not been full-scale attacks where I've been knocked down (yet). However, mark my words: If they come looking for trouble - they will find it. We'll see how far I can throw one of those honkers by their necks.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
Tuesday, May 05, 2015
Chlamydia Outbreak Hits Texas High School With No Sex Ed
A Texas high school is in the middle of a chlamydia outbreak, officials say. But according to the school district's student handbook, it does not offer sexual education.
Several students in one Crane, Texas, school district contracted chlamydia, a sexually transmitted disease, according to a letter obtained by ABC News that went home to parents Monday. According to the letter, the surrounding counties were also in the middle of an outbreak.
"Crane Independent School District would like to make our parents aware or more aware of a problem that has been identified in our teenagers and young adults of our community," the letter reads.
Crane County has had three reported chlamydia cases in the last two weeks, but health workers have seven days to report them to the state, according to the Texas State Department of Health.
Monday, May 04, 2015
It's two people on their hands and knees rubbing their butt on the heart.